Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm 43 dating a 35-year-old woman for the last three weeks. Things are generally going well, but they seemed to be going better last week than this week.
This past weekend, she was at my house where I made dinner, and we hung out, cuddled, and watched a movie. We started making out (this wasn't the plan, it just happened naturally). It started getting a bit heavier, and she said that she didn't want to have sex because she was ovulating and didn't want to risk anything (even with protection). I was fine with that, I'm not in a rush.
Her and I are both on the same page with what we want. We're looking for our forever partners. So we don't have to do everything now. We're trying to balance "don't move too quickly that we ruin what we're working toward" with "don't move so slowly that the other person thinks we're not interested."
So during this make-out on my couch, if it had ended there, it would have been fine. If the idea that she didn't want to go all the way wouldn't have been brought up, and we did, it would have been good too. The problem is that after she told me that it wasn't going to happen, she kept pulling me in. So I was interpreting mixed signals. I continued, a little hesitantly because I didn't know what she wanted. I would do some things that she would lean into, and I would do other things that she would physically stop me from doing. She kept saying she had to leave (and she did have work early in the morning), but then she kept pulling me back in.
Needless to say I was very confused about what I should have been doing. This lead to many mistakes on my part. I would start something, then hesitate. She said some things to me that were super hot that I didn't respond to verbally that I should have, and normally I would have (so from her perspective I ignored her). She said she was getting too horny and wanted to stop, because she would end up with a headache if she "didn't finish" (and since we weren't going to have sex, she wouldn't). I told her there are other ways I can take care of that for her, and she said "No, I know me, when we do it, I want it all".
I felt like I was getting a lot of mixed signals, so I didn't know how to read the situation. Because of that, I came across as hesitant, shy, and insecure, all of which would be turn-offs for her. That's how she interpreted it.
We're very open and comfortable talking with each other about things, including this (I won't date someone if they aren't comfortable with openness). So we've talked about this quite a bit the last few days. I told her my perception of the situation (as I described it above). She told me that she was worried that I'm too shy (I'm definitely not). We've both reiterated to each other that we're interested in this relationship working because, outside of this, we're very compatible so far. It's my belief that we're very sexually compatible too, but this passed weekend was a bit of a false start because of the circumstances.
To back up, I'm fairly physically reserved with someone when I start dating (I'm not big on kissing on the first date, for instance), and then open up physically as my comfort level with the person goes up and the emotional connection increases, all the way up to kinky once I really get into someone. So most of what she's seen up to this point is more "reserved" me. I was on vacation out of town last week, so our interactions last week (prior to the weekend) were primarily through chat and video calls. The most "explicit" talk last week was along the lines of "I can't wait to get home so I can kiss you" and such. This week, I'm comfortable with much more (like telling her that I want to taste her), and she's not (but she would have been had this past weekend not happened the way it did). While we were making out, she asked me if I was kinky, I told her I was, and I asked her if she was, and she said yes.
So as her and I are talking about everything, I told her that I'm concerned we're in a bit of a catch-22. If I continue to be "reserved" even though I think we've progressed beyond that (so that's not how I'm going to be naturally going forward), I'm going to confirm to her the fears that she has about me being too shy. If I act the way I want to act, she's going to think that it's not natural, and just me "forcing" a different personality because it's what I think she wants. I told her that I have no desire to be a "relationship chameleon" simply adapting to what someone else wants and erasing my own identity, because that would be a terrible existence.
Her suggestion to this whole thing is to just wait and see what happens. Not to force anything, let's not "schedule" intimacy, etc, and then see how things progress. I think that's a good call, and I'm fine with that, and I think in general it's the right approach. That is, I don't want to be like "let's get together at my house this weekend and give it another chance".. that's not natural. I just want to hang out with her like we were before, and see where things go. If it works, then great. And if it doesn't, then oh well. Being sexually incompatible is a deal-breaker for both of us. So what I don't want is for us to continue on and she thinks we're incompatible based on this past weekend because she's created an immutable impression of me.
I already know I have to get better at reading her (she's much more difficult in this sense than anyone else I've dated), which means that maybe this past weekend happened too soon in the relationship for me to recognize her signs so that I know if she wants me to stop or go. I'm perfectly fine with that. What I'm looking for is general advice on how to proceed in this "just wait and see what happens" phase. I'm sure it'll come down to "just be yourself". The best way I can resolve the catch-22, I think, is to be genuinely me consistently (which is just how I am anyway) so that she sees that it's not just me acting how I think she wants me to act. And maybe that's all there is to it.
Mostly I think I want to make sure that I don't become "friend zoned" during this time. I think we're going to get along just fine, that's not the concern. So I'm grateful for any input that anyone having experienced something similar might have.
I'm also interested in any thoughts on how I could have handled this weekend's situation differently, because if it happens like this again I don't want to make the same mistakes. One thought is that I could have put the brakes on the whole thing. But I didn't know if she was just okay with making out, and I certainly am. And I wouldn't have wanted that to come across as "if you won't have sex with me, then don't bother". So it might have avoided this situation, but it could have created another one. Even after this all happened, if the situation were to occur again, I'm still not confident that that would be the right move. She also said that she likes to be very submissive in this regard. So despite our general openness, I think the last thing she wants is for me to ask her. I'm supposed to "just know".
In any case, if you've stuck with my "essay" for this long, much appreciated! And thanks in advance for any input.
When she said she should go home because she had to work the next day you should have stood up, pulled her up for a hug, suggested setting a time for another date and walked her to the door.
Maybe your next date should be at a restaurant or golfing or a museum, whatever it is you both are interested in. And if you find yourself getting confused by her again just tell her you are getting mixed signals and ask what she wants. Then believe what she tells you.
When she said she should go home because she had to work the next day you should have stood up, pulled her up for a hug, suggested setting a time for another date and walked her to the door.
Maybe your next date should be at a restaurant or golfing or a museum, whatever it is you both are interested in. And if you find yourself getting confused by her again just tell her you are getting mixed signals and ask what she wants. Then believe what she tells you.
Very level-headed advice, and appreciated.. thank you! We're both "foodies" and enjoy showing each other our favorite dining spots, that's worked well for us so far.
Way too much open discussion about how you feel and your insecurities, shyness, etc. Women like men with some air of mystery about them, one that is confident, not one that pours out their heart and soul and what they perceive to be their faults. That's a sure fire way to eventually turn off a lady.
I know communication is important in courtship/relationship. But to be having those types of discussions within only 3 weeks of dating is not something that should be done, in my opinion. Those are the kinds of things people discuss when they've been in a relationship for a while and there's been some issues popping up. That could be a reason why the lady seems to be losing interest, why there isn't that same level of 'magic' as the previous weeks. One just never knows what they say or do that can turn a lady off especially early in the dating game.
I would say stop overthinking about every little details, and obsessing over not making her feel uncomfortable or offended in any way. More self confidence is important. Go with the flow if you want, but no need to keep asking her how she feels, how she thinks things are going, etc., during the date.
She sounds like too much work. (I'm female by the way)
I don't see how you could be friend zoned at this point. If she was getting hot and heavy and wanting more, she doesn't see you as only a friend.
For Pete's sake, when did dating get so complicated? And is sexual compatibility so fragile these days that there is a real concern that couples will be sexually incompatible from the start? In all my years of dating, my number isn't too high but I can't recall one person who I would say that was a problem.
She sounds like too much work. (I'm female by the way)
I don't see how you could be friend zoned at this point. If she was getting hot and heavy and wanting more, she doesn't see you as only a friend.
For Pete's sake, when did dating get so complicated? And is sexual compatibility so fragile these days that there is a real concern that couples will be sexually incompatible from the start? In all my years of dating, my number isn't too high but I can't recall one person who I would say that was a problem.
I agree with this. Way too much naval gazing and second guessing here. I'm exhausted just reading about it.
Way too much open discussion about how you feel and your insecurities, shyness, etc.
That's information that I've put into my message for the sake of getting advice.. these aren't things I've talked to her about. She's the one that mentioned that she thinks I'm shy.. I don't think I am, nor did I suggest to her that I am. What we talked about were the events that occurred and how I received them, not how I felt about it. Perhaps I didn't communicate that properly in my OP.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suburban_Guy
I would say stop overthinking about every little details, and obsessing over not making her feel uncomfortable or offended in any way. More self confidence is important. Go with the flow if you want, but no need to keep asking her how she feels, how she thinks things are going, etc., during the date.
This is generally what I have been doing, so will keep at that. Thanks!
She sounds like too much work. (I'm female by the way)
Maybe it's just my personal preference, but I enjoy a relationship that requires a lot of effort. :-)
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel
I don't see how you could be friend zoned at this point. If she was getting hot and heavy and wanting more, she doesn't see you as only a friend.
Yes, I think you're right. I wouldn't say that I'm there now. I guess I'm just bring proactive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel
For Pete's sake, when did dating get so complicated? And is sexual compatibility so fragile these days that there is a real concern that couples will be sexually incompatible from the start? In all my years of dating, my number isn't too high but I can't recall one person who I would say that was a problem.
I was surprised a bit when she mentioned that. I chalk up something like this to "we're still getting to know each other and our preferences, so we'll course-correct."
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel
And is sexual compatibility so fragile these days that there is a real concern that couples will be sexually incompatible from the start? .
Yes, but it's not only sexual compatibility (on which middle ground can be found), but sexual chemistry which is entirely out of one's control.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
