BF of a year said he wanted to marry then ghosted me on Christmas (advice, living together)
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I agree! He's just itching & hoping that OP comes back to him...even a 5-min talk gives him hope & he's laughing inside if she does that. He just hopes he can hook her back in like a fish on a hook.
needtoknow0099, don't do it. I don't care if he's crying his eyes out, on his bloody knees, & sending you flowers everyday for a MONTH. He's no good & trying to reel you back in, so he can laugh (inside) & treat you just as horrendously if not worse than before.
Yes. What I learned being involved with someone like that is that i ended up on a yo-yo string. It was a game to him. It was all about reeling me back in after kicking me out. Kick out, reel in, kick out, reel in, kick out. This went on for 15 months. It wasn't about love, it wasn't about a healthy relationship, it was about him WINNING. Nothing more.
Yes. What I learned being involved with someone like that is that i ended up on a yo-yo string. It was a game to him. It was all about reeling me back in after kicking me out. Kick out, reel in, kick out, reel in, kick out. This went on for 15 months. It wasn't about love, it wasn't about a healthy relationship, it was about him WINNING. Nothing more.
I ghosted him. He is history as of 18 months ago.
Congratulations for getting out and STAYING away! it's not easy.. I know and I'm sorry that you went through that. But your experience is helping me, so I appreciate your insight.
I think he just believes things will be different and I think he truly thinks HE can change. I saw him attempting to change the last time we were together, but the problem is I don't believe that person to be real anymore.
I've seen so much ugliness from him that while I WANTED to applaud his efforts and take comfort in them.. I just knew that it wouldn't last.
And his drinking only causes it to get worse. He's just a venomous person... I wish he wasn't..
But, he must think I'm stupid.. REALLY stupid. As much as it hurts.. I just can't get over the NERVE of him coming back AGAIN.
Why would you "send a good-bye text"? What would you hope that would accomplish? The guy is a rude waffler and not worth your time... so don't give any more of it to him. Block him, leave him blocked, and move on.
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Originally Posted by needtoknow0099
It's just really sad that it's ending like this... I feel overwhelmed and emotionally unstable.
I know I just need some time.. but it's hard. I just want to understand how someone could do this to me.
It just seems so COLD.
I'll tell you what I tell multiple people around here: you will never "understand." You will never know "why." The sooner you understand this, come to terms with it, and accept it and then move on, the sooner you'll stop making yourself neurotic over not being able to get over it without a detailed explanation of exactly what he was thinking and why he is the way he is and how this situation turned out like X and why he said or did Y, etc. And, will it really make any of this better even if you were given a 50-page report microanalyzing every little thing? Nope. He'd still be a jerk, you'd still be without him, and you'd still feel hurt.
Quote:
Originally Posted by needtoknow0099
Yes, he def just wanted to hurt me and punish me. He emailed from another email today and said he realized that he was blocked on my text...and that he loves me. Doesn't want to live without me... and he did want to marry me and still does.
He said that the was waiting for ME to contact him on Christmas because my last text seemed angry.
WHATEVER!!!!!!!!
Why are you even reading these emails?
I could see one last reply to him, telling him that he is not to ever contact you again in any way, shape, or form. (So far this guy has created three new email accounts to write to you to subvert you blocking him? This is beginning to border on stalking, so yes, tell him unequivocally to leave you alone, once, document that, and then document each contact he attempts to make.) And then stop reading these sob stories of his. Just delete them as soon as they arrive.
Congratulations for getting out and STAYING away! it's not easy.. I know and I'm sorry that you went through that. But your experience is helping me, so I appreciate your insight.
I think he just believes things will be different and I think he truly thinks HE can change. I saw him attempting to change the last time we were together, but the problem is I don't believe that person to be real anymore.
I've seen so much ugliness from him that while I WANTED to applaud his efforts and take comfort in them.. I just knew that it wouldn't last.
And his drinking only causes it to get worse. He's just a venomous person... I wish he wasn't..
But, he must think I'm stupid.. REALLY stupid. As much as it hurts.. I just can't get over the NERVE of him coming back AGAIN.
Thank you. I think when someone is messed up like that (sex addiction, alcohol addiction) they think they are on top of things. The dopamine high they get from the alcohol and sex becomes an addiction. This guy you've been involved with needs serious help. The narcissism has gotten out of control. Everything going on with this guy is a coverup and a desperate panacea for his inner chaos.
The issue about being stupid... that might be true, I doubt it. He just needs to keep you roped in, not because he looks down on you. He will keep coming back until you put a stop to it. Pursuing you is simply yet another addiction (obsession) to relieve inner stress. Don't forget about "narcissistic supply" -- you can read up on that if you haven't already. To tell you the truth, he may not even really realize he's grasping for the narcissistic supply. That's how chaotic the thoughts and emotions and physical impulses are when he needs that dopamine high.
I do wonder what has happened with that guy I was involved with, especially his animals who I fell in love with and that's actually why I stayed for so long (it was a rural ranch). I also stayed because I saw so much potential in the ranch. Just like you saw the potential in your business partnership/collaboration. It's hard to let go of dreams because someone else isn't up to the challenge.
At first it felt very strange to ghost someone I was so intensely involved with on an emotional level (the sex went out the window because I fell out of love with him in the process of all that madness). But after a while I realized I was going to have to be content to not know what's going on. I know he won't get help. He has very serious mental issues and while basically a good person, cannot help himself. A lot of it is the co-morbidity of schizophrenia (which was formally diagnosed, I found out) and very possibly Borderline Personality Disorder. Both of those are very difficult to get the person into treatment and it is not our responsibility.
He used another email account to tell me that he loves me and I'm his "one and only" love.. and how he wanted to talk.
I haven't replied but it truly has been hard. I know that's insane.. completely insane. But it is the way an addiction works, right? I was addicted to his toxic love... if you can call it that.
thanks for letting me post here instead of respond to him.
Remember, deeds, not words. You know that old saying, "Talk is cheap". It's an old saying for a reason.
I understand, but as I mentioned in my most recent post, we are in the same industry and we share a client.
Fortunately, I don't have to be on calls with him or any direct contact, but we are involved on that level with the client.
That client will phase out of my work/business in about 30 days. Then, it will no longer be an issue..
You can deal with him in a purely professional manner and expect that he do the same for you. That means you communicate with him the bare minimum necessary, keep it solely to the exact business at hand, no chit-chat, no pleasantries, no straying into personal subjects. "Hello, Douchebag Doug; did you send the quote to the client? Thank you and goodbye." If he tries to say anything else, take it straight back to business. Him: "You know, I really miss--" You: "...so I will contact the help desk about the client's issue and then get back to them. I have to go now; goodbye."
I was watching a video once and it talked about how women will often fall for a man’s potential and not the current status. Most people don’t make drastic changes. If someone keeps repeating the same behavior and it’s ongoing for a year really what are the chances this person will change completely?
Upthread she did say she was moving on. I hope it sticks.
When I was in that other relationship described above (done for 2 yrs now) I gave it until September. That was one year to the day we started living together. When things didn't improve, I was out of there. I was actually already making plans because I knew there wouldn't be any improvement. I needed time to get things in place.
When there is this level of dysfunction, the person will only tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you dangling and hooked in. There will never be any real progress. If he somehow does get treatment, you will have moved on for years already.
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