Am I out of the human league? (dating, long-term, marry)
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I am a 24-year guy. I have trouble talking to girls. I try to show care to the girl I like, but it seems she doesn't even try to understand how much I care. I cannot flatter girls or make conversations interesting. But I try as much as I can but nothing seems to be working. So if I cannot flatter or make conversations interesting, no matter how much I want to care, it's meaningless.... isn't it?
Kinda in agreement with the Rover here.... as I reflect on myself when I dated.
I'm the quiet reserved type. Pretty much suck at being the "player" type and I wouldn't want to be that guy anyways. Most of those who know me say that my greatest asset is the ability to listen very well to people. Most of those that I had great relationships with evolved out of me just listening and eventually having nice deep conversations without the intention of dating. Just kinda happens for me. Sure.... most of the time it just stops there and probably the reason why I have mostly female friends. Once in a while, it evolves to something more... they become comfortable with me and they end up being interested in spending more time. So we do... sometimes in the context of an actual date.
Just to set the stage - where are you at in life? Did you go to college? Did you engage with women in school? Has this always been a concern or recently when out in the workforce?
I am a 24-year guy. I have trouble talking to girls. I try to show care to the girl I like, but it seems she doesn't even try to understand how much I care. I cannot flatter girls or make conversations interesting. But I try as much as I can but nothing seems to be working. So if I cannot flatter or make conversations interesting, no matter how much I want to care, it's meaningless.... isn't it?
At 24 years old, what do you think that "should" be "working"? Sorry, but there's no "magic formula" to get a woman's attention.
I am a 24-year guy. I have trouble talking to girls. I try to show care to the girl I like, but it seems she doesn't even try to understand how much I care. I cannot flatter girls or make conversations interesting. But I try as much as I can but nothing seems to be working. So if I cannot flatter or make conversations interesting, no matter how much I want to care, it's meaningless.... isn't it?
Without knowing your specific situation, I can provide some general input. Also, I'm very aware that it's much easier for me from the outside to give you advice than it is for you from the inside to recognize that it's true or to follow it. It's very difficult to be objective when you're in the mix. Don't underestimate that.
The first thing is to recognize that there are billions of women in the world. You might find one that you think is particularly attractive, particularly compatible, particularly special. And that may be true, but what will happen is this will cause you to get into a scarcity mindset. You'll think "I have to make it work with this one woman, because the chances of me finding another one as good as her is unlikely." And so you'll be extra careful, overanalyzing everything. "What if I say the wrong thing, is my shirt buttoned properly, do I have any hairs out of place, how are my teeth, am I too short, is my deodorant still working, what if I'm not funny enough, etc?" These thoughts will make you not only self-conscious on the inside, but that will come out in your personality. You'll engage in "analysis paralysis". Because you can't think of what to do, you'll do nothing (i.e. not think of anything to say, because nothing is "quite right").
I'm 43, and I still do this. Not always, but it happens. I was dating someone for a few weeks that I thought was perfect. It made me come across to her as very comfortable. It also made me ignore the red flags. She ended up breaking up with me. It was painful at first, but then I realized that I dodged a bullet. I should have broken up with her because of the red flags, had I not been so smitten that I ignored them. So I got lucky that she broke up with me. But she shouldn't have.. she broke up with me because I was uncomfortable and she could see it, thinking that she was "the one and only", and it came through in my attitude.
I don't always do this. I was on a flight on Tuesday out of town and a really good looking girl sat next to me. We chatted it up, and I asked her out to dinner that night, and we had a lot of fun. I'm not into long-distance relationships, so there's likely nothing there, but I'll go out with someone without any expectations if it seems like it'll be fun. Turns out she's 16 years younger than me, and very good looking. Like "I can't believe she talked to me, let alone agreed to go out" good looking. And I think it's because I was completely natural and didn't have a plan. It wasn't like "Oh look, a good looking girl. I'll talk with her, I'll say this and that, and then after she's comfortable I'll ask her out." None of that happened. We just talked, it was natural, and it seemed like a good idea. When things flow naturally without an agenda, then they either happen or they don't as they should, rather than you trying to "steer" something in a direction the way you want it to go. In fact, until you actually do spend some time with a woman, you have no idea what direction you want it to go, so stop trying to control the situation by being so particular about how you are or present yourself.
On my return flight on Thursday, the same thing happened again with someone else. I had no agenda (other than, perhaps, "let's see if last time was a fluke"). We chatted for a bit and hit it off. She lives where I was traveling to on Tuesday, and I'm going back there in a few weeks. So we're going out when I get back. She's also young (I would guess mid-20s.. remember that I'm 43), just graduated law school last year (well, 2020) and is a lawyer.
If either of these girls had sat next to me and I thought "I'm going to ask this girl out" or worse "I'm going to marry this girl", then there's no way. I would have been weird, and they would have sensed that weirdness and nothing good would have happened. If you're going somewhere to pick up women, then of course you have a general agenda of wanting to connect with someone. But don't make it specific. Don't make it "this girl or bust", because that will always end in "bust".
The advice "be yourself" is cliche, but it's valid. You have to do what's comfortable to you. Wear the clothes that you like to wear, keep yourself groomed the way you like, wear whatever cologne you like, talk about whatever you want to talk about. If she's into it, then great. If not, then move on. If you try to change something about you because "I think girls will like this" and not because you like it, then it will make you uncomfortable, and that will show in your attitude. But more than that, if you do end up in a long-term relationship, you'll never be able to keep up the charade.
Just keep in mind that there are many women on the planet. Try talking to some, in the most comfortable way possible for you, without an agenda and see what happens. Don't put any pressure on yourself for "something" to happen, and you'll feel a lot better about yourself.
To others in this forum, I know there's technically a distinction between "woman" and "girl". I'm using the terms interchangeably, and no use of one term vs. the other should be construed to think that I'm making any actual distinctions. Focus on the topic, not the irrelevant nuances. :-)
I try to show care to the girl I like, but it seems she doesn't even try to understand how much I care.
Exactly how much do you care (about women whom I assume you do not know very well), how do you "show" it, and what is there for them to understand? Are you coming across too strong? That's what this sentence suggests to me. How exactly are they reacting to your "advances"?
Without knowing your specific situation, I can provide some general input. Also, I'm very aware that it's much easier for me from the outside to give you advice than it is for you from the inside to recognize that it's true or to follow it. It's very difficult to be objective when you're in the mix. Don't underestimate that.
The first thing is to recognize that there are billions of women in the world. You might find one that you think is particularly attractive, particularly compatible, particularly special. And that may be true, but what will happen is this will cause you to get into a scarcity mindset. You'll think "I have to make it work with this one woman, because the chances of me finding another one as good as her is unlikely." And so you'll be extra careful, overanalyzing everything. "What if I say the wrong thing, is my shirt buttoned properly, do I have any hairs out of place, how are my teeth, am I too short, is my deodorant still working, what if I'm not funny enough, etc?" These thoughts will make you not only self-conscious on the inside, but that will come out in your personality. You'll engage in "analysis paralysis". Because you can't think of what to do, you'll do nothing (i.e. not think of anything to say, because nothing is "quite right").
I'm 43, and I still do this. Not always, but it happens. I was dating someone for a few weeks that I thought was perfect. It made me come across to her as very comfortable. It also made me ignore the red flags. She ended up breaking up with me. It was painful at first, but then I realized that I dodged a bullet. I should have broken up with her because of the red flags, had I not been so smitten that I ignored them. So I got lucky that she broke up with me. But she shouldn't have.. she broke up with me because I was uncomfortable and she could see it, thinking that she was "the one and only", and it came through in my attitude.
I don't always do this. I was on a flight on Tuesday out of town and a really good looking girl sat next to me. We chatted it up, and I asked her out to dinner that night, and we had a lot of fun. I'm not into long-distance relationships, so there's likely nothing there, but I'll go out with someone without any expectations if it seems like it'll be fun. Turns out she's 16 years younger than me, and very good looking. Like "I can't believe she talked to me, let alone agreed to go out" good looking. And I think it's because I was completely natural and didn't have a plan. It wasn't like "Oh look, a good looking girl. I'll talk with her, I'll say this and that, and then after she's comfortable I'll ask her out." None of that happened. We just talked, it was natural, and it seemed like a good idea. When things flow naturally without an agenda, then they either happen or they don't as they should, rather than you trying to "steer" something in a direction the way you want it to go. In fact, until you actually do spend some time with a woman, you have no idea what direction you want it to go, so stop trying to control the situation by being so particular about how you are or present yourself.
On my return flight on Thursday, the same thing happened again with someone else. I had no agenda (other than, perhaps, "let's see if last time was a fluke"). We chatted for a bit and hit it off. She lives where I was traveling to on Tuesday, and I'm going back there in a few weeks. So we're going out when I get back. She's also young (I would guess mid-20s.. remember that I'm 43), just graduated law school last year (well, 2020) and is a lawyer.
If either of these girls had sat next to me and I thought "I'm going to ask this girl out" or worse "I'm going to marry this girl", then there's no way. I would have been weird, and they would have sensed that weirdness and nothing good would have happened. If you're going somewhere to pick up women, then of course you have a general agenda of wanting to connect with someone. But don't make it specific. Don't make it "this girl or bust", because that will always end in "bust".
The advice "be yourself" is cliche, but it's valid. You have to do what's comfortable to you. Wear the clothes that you like to wear, keep yourself groomed the way you like, wear whatever cologne you like, talk about whatever you want to talk about. If she's into it, then great. If not, then move on. If you try to change something about you because "I think girls will like this" and not because you like it, then it will make you uncomfortable, and that will show in your attitude. But more than that, if you do end up in a long-term relationship, you'll never be able to keep up the charade.
Just keep in mind that there are many women on the planet. Try talking to some, in the most comfortable way possible for you, without an agenda and see what happens. Don't put any pressure on yourself for "something" to happen, and you'll feel a lot better about yourself.
To others in this forum, I know there's technically a distinction between "woman" and "girl". I'm using the terms interchangeably, and no use of one term vs. the other should be construed to think that I'm making any actual distinctions. Focus on the topic, not the irrelevant nuances. :-)
That's ok, you sound like a nice boy. And my DH was 25 years older than me. Neither of us expected for our fun conversations to turn into a romance.
That's ok, you sound like a nice boy. And my DH was 25 years older than me. Neither of us expected for our fun conversations to turn into a romance.
I'm confused by your response.. was it intended to be for me?
What is "DH"? The only time I've seen that is in the context of a Disney forum (meaning "Disney Husband").. not sure if that's what you meant? :-)
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