Feelings for the FWB of 2 years (movies, loyalty, cheating, jealous)
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Who told you this was an FWB relationship? It's totally missing the friendship. You are F Buddies, the most empty and hollow of all relationships. Your expectations are way, way out of line.
Feels more like a situationship with all of the time involved plus all of the open and honest communication over the years. Or all the times she invited me to sleepover there without having sex because she was exhausted or vice versa. On top of neither of us wanting it to actually end. I've never had a F buddy that lasted anywhere close to 2 years. With all of that being said. I know what the right move is. So does everyone else reading this. It's just another learning experience for me. Maybe its karma. In the beginning she was crazy about me, always wanting to talk always wanting me to see her or visit her at her job ect. I brushed it off in the beginning because I wasnt ready for anything and always kept it at sex. We were comfortable, consistent and convenient and that's how it remained. 2 years later funny how things turn out. Truth is, It also feels like she only agreed to the dinner because I suggested taking my shot with her. She knows I want more and she may think I'll leave if she doesnt give me that opportunity. In my opinion.
Last edited by peconicporter89; 01-03-2022 at 05:51 PM..
You have to do you, but I would cancel the date and say I had a change of mind about trying to change to relationship status. If she asks if things will continue on as before tell her you will get back to her about it after you have some time to think about it. Or, flat out tell her no if you are up to it. She could fuss about it so know what you want to do ahead of time.
Feels more like a situationship with all of the time involved plus all of the open and honest communication over the years. Or all the times she invited me to sleepover there without having sex because she was exhausted or vice versa. On top of neither of us wanting it to actually end. I've never had a F buddy that lasted anywhere close to 2 years. With all of that being said. I know what the right move is. So does everyone else reading this. It's just another learning experience for me. Maybe its karma. In the beginning she was crazy about me, always wanting to talk always wanting me to see her or visit her at her job ect. I brushed it off in the beginning because I wasnt ready for anything and always kept it at sex. We were comfortable, consistent and convenient and that's how it remained. 2 years later funny how things turn out. Truth is, It also feels like she only agreed to the dinner because I suggested taking my shot with her. She knows I want more and she may think I'll leave if she doesnt give me that opportunity. In my opinion.
Your history is more complicated than FWB or even FB. She probably feels the karma too. Old feelings of hurt possibly.
Rather than make then break a date, use it to call it off in person. That's the kindest thing to do.
It really sounds like you all need a break from each other, as it's really going nowhere currently.
You have to do you, but I would cancel the date and say I had a change of mind about trying to change to relationship status. If she asks if things will continue on as before tell her you will get back to her about it after you have some time to think about it. Or, flat out tell her no if you are up to it. She could fuss about it so know what you want to do ahead of time.
This is great advice, but also I need to be clear of what I actually asked for. I never asked to immediately change the relationship status. I never asked to be an exclusive never once said I want to change any boundaries. In fact I said I with no obligations or commitment I want to try and know eachother more as human beings. To be more open with eachother (a lot of times in person she puts this wall up when I talk to her) which is totally understandable. I asked for a deeper connection than sex and ultimately the POSSIBILITY of being together one day. I'm basically asking let's try and build. She agreed I just wanted to really make this part clear. I'm going to pursue the dinner with confidence. And without any expectations and use the face to face to my advantage of finding a better understanding FOR MYSELF. Even if theres no "romantic connection". The change of scenery in public completely removes my anxiety. And honestly I'm not giving any one sex until I feel better mentally. The last 2 months have been a roller coaster.
Last edited by peconicporter89; 01-03-2022 at 07:35 PM..
And THIS, boys and girls, is why we old farts constantly point out that sex is NOT a casual matter. It is deeply wired into our deepest emotional circuits. Heck, after eating, it's our second biggest drive as a species.
You may THINK that 100 years of easy access to divorce and 50 years of easy access to birth control have re-wired the human species so that people can have extended sexual affairs without falling in love, but the 100,000 years or so of human history before that indicate it just ain't so.
This is powerful stuff. Don't make the mistake of thinking it's like deciding whether to have a chocolate bar for lunch.
Casual sex existed even before the time of "old farts". For many it is fine with them and their lives. I think the whole matter of casual sex is a personal matter.... one should know oneself and needs/wants before deciding whether or not it is for them or not. Really no different from deciding if marriage is something they want for themselves.
I've had many of similar types of relationships but later became platonic. Most are still friendships that I cherish in my life and there wasn't any of the messiness involved. In part because all parties involved knew and accepted the expectations and boundaries. They were keenly aware of their needs/wants..... not all of my friends would accept it and avoided. My wife was one of those hence why I stopped having these types of relationships once I committed to her in marriage.
Crazy thing is that's all I wanted. I had it under control too. just lost all control recently. A break for me is over due. After this face to face i'm going to fall back. You know that old saying if you love some thing let it go. Well I've just got to completely remove and let my feelings go from this equation. Maybe down the road, when I'm better I can accept it for what it is or not even want to get involved.
I'm a male in my early 30s. I'm overly falling for my FWB of 2 years. the past 2 months have been so difficult. I told her I had developed feelings and she said she did not because we never tried. She said it wouldnt hurt to try but it also could possibly not work out. I said I cant do this anymore and she said "wait what!! you don't want to see me anymore???" "I dont want to stop talking and seeing you" "I didnt mean i dont want that but we never tried" I cared too much to just walk away after 2 years. it would have hurt me more. I really like this woman. So I just continued with what we had as if I was able to just erase my feelings. Man was I wrong. I felt vulnerable for opening up. but at the same time I respected her boundaries and never demanded anything at all, I never became clingy I never over texted, I kept the same amount of contact and visits. after I told her I had feelings I actually backed off and she texted me less than a week later just to talk. We both openly see other people. Ive tried dating more women recently to shake my feelings but no matter who I was seeing I just couldn't stop thinking about her. Im at the point now where its giving me so much anxiety that I feel affraid to even text her and just wait for her to reach out to me. She knows I have feelings she seems to respect them. the last few times we saw eachother were more passionate as far as the cuddling, kissing, and sweeter texts. Our communication is always on point and extremely honest. I dont know what to do. I went over there the other day and my anxiety was so bad to the point I was almost shaking. I knew I couldnt have sex. I brushed it off and told her I was exhausted and just gave her head for a half hour. I dont know what the hell to do I dont want to force anything or mess anything up or lose it. But at the same time its difficult to deal with and I feel affraid to open up and talk to her about it because I dont want to come across as being weak.
So here we are again in the same scenario which I'm sure a hundred people warned you about when this first started. There is no such thing as Friends With Benefits. A person that will use you for an emotional thing such as sex is NOT your friend. A friend will not keep you on a chain while they look for something better. A friend will not date someone else and come over after a booty call and give themselves to you. A friend cares for you and your welfare. A friend will support you and advise you in an issue just as this one. Friends have your back. They love you for you and enjoy your company. Any woman that is actively in a similar FWB relationship has severe emotional issues and cannot figure things out. FWB is always going to hurt someone. Always. Maybe you should tell her you're interested in someone else and break it off. Give her a piece of her own medicine. Never get into a FWB you will always lose. No win situation.
So here we are again in the same scenario which I'm sure a hundred people warned you about when this first started. There is no such thing as Friends With Benefits. A person that will use you for an emotional thing such as sex is NOT your friend. A friend will not keep you on a chain while they look for something better. A friend will not date someone else and come over after a booty call and give themselves to you. A friend cares for you and your welfare. A friend will support you and advise you in an issue just as this one. Friends have your back. They love you for you and enjoy your company. Any woman that is actively in a similar FWB relationship has severe emotional issues and cannot figure things out. FWB is always going to hurt someone. Always. Maybe you should tell her you're interested in someone else and break it off. Give her a piece of her own medicine. Never get into a FWB you will always lose. No win situation.
This is simply not true for everyone. I have several long-term friends in my life with whom at times I have also enjoyed a sexual relationship (when both of us were between romantic relationships). I mean, these are people I have known for 15, 20, even 40 years for one. The friendship hasn't changed one bit, except maybe bringing us closer.
So here we are again in the same scenario which I'm sure a hundred people warned you about when this first started. There is no such thing as Friends With Benefits. A person that will use you for an emotional thing such as sex is NOT your friend. A friend will not keep you on a chain while they look for something better. A friend will not date someone else and come over after a booty call and give themselves to you. A friend cares for you and your welfare. A friend will support you and advise you in an issue just as this one. Friends have your back. They love you for you and enjoy your company. Any woman that is actively in a similar FWB relationship has severe emotional issues and cannot figure things out. FWB is always going to hurt someone. Always. Maybe you should tell her you're interested in someone else and break it off. Give her a piece of her own medicine. Never get into a FWB you will always lose. No win situation.
I APPRECIATE this!! I needed to hear this! Reading this gives me STRENGTH! Thank you! I Like how you went back to the OP. Because it's a circle!! You're so right about all your FRIEND definitions! I thought I was the crazy one for trying to rationalize her doing all of these exact things is okay because "she's not mine" I think it turns out I'm just the crazy one for even allowing a person to do this because this is exactly how it is! Nail on the head!!!!! Yes she has severe issues, we spoke about them in the past. I have my issues too, no where as severe but I'm aware of them and have them under control to not hurt those in my life that I care about.
Last edited by peconicporter89; 01-04-2022 at 10:41 AM..
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