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I survived a narc relationship last year and dated another covert years back. Now that I'm getting back into the dating game, I have a hard time trusting people and my own judgement. There's a guy I've been seeing for a month, truth be told I felt like some of his words/actions can be considered as red flags, but I don't feel that "danger" gut feeling that I felt with my exes. In a way, he is too good to be true, we're so similar because we share the same personality group (INFJ). We think similarly and share the same life goals and perspective.
Should I trust myself and my gut feeling? But I'm still scared of falling for the same trick again. Any tips to differentiate narc love bombing versus genuine affection? So far, what I can differentiate between this guy and my exes is that he seems like an empath. Has good relationship with his exes and doesn't trash talk about them. He doesn't talk about himself all the time. He cares about my emotional wellbeing (I have anxiety, so if we're outside he'd always check how I'm doing). The concerning part is, it does feels a bit rushed. He admitted that it's very rare to find and feel connected emotionally and intellectually with someone (I feel the same way tho). He admitted that tbh he feels like fast-tracking things (make it official) but he understands that I need time to trust him. Admitted that he has OCD, said if it's up to him, he'd wanna spend time with me every day. Showers me with compliments.
”Love bombing” has to do with too much, too fast. Compliments...flattery...right away. Telling you how wonderful you are...how 'special'...how you're ”not like other women”...all love-bombing.
In all honesty, the difference between ”love bombing” and genuine feelings of
affection is TIME.
I survived a narc relationship last year and dated another covert years back. Now that I'm getting back into the dating game, I have a hard time trusting people and my own judgement. There's a guy I've been seeing for a month, truth be told I felt like some of his words/actions can be considered as red flags, but I don't feel that "danger" gut feeling that I felt with my exes. In a way, he is too good to be true, we're so similar because we share the same personality group (INFJ). We think similarly and share the same life goals and perspective.
Should I trust myself and my gut feeling? But I'm still scared of falling for the same trick again. Any tips to differentiate narc love bombing versus genuine affection? So far, what I can differentiate between this guy and my exes is that he seems like an empath. Has good relationship with his exes and doesn't trash talk about them. He doesn't talk about himself all the time. He cares about my emotional wellbeing (I have anxiety, so if we're outside he'd always check how I'm doing). The concerning part is, it does feels a bit rushed. He admitted that it's very rare to find and feel connected emotionally and intellectually with someone (I feel the same way tho). He admitted that tbh he feels like fast-tracking things (make it official) but he understands that I need time to trust him. Admitted that he has OCD, said if it's up to him, he'd wanna spend time with me every day. Showers me with compliments.
Thoughts?
If you feel rushed, you feel rushed. If you see red flags, you see red flags. Those are the signs to heed, regardless of prior trauma from narcissistic abuse. If anything, that you can feel rushed and see red flags objectively, without that "danger" gut feeling, suggests that you're reacting from emotional intelligence and not having a trauma response. That would be a good thing because it means you're probably healing pretty well!
You say there are red flags, then in the next breath you say he's too good to be true. Which is it?
Trust your gut on this one. Keep looking. Look for guys who are low key, don't shower you with compliments in the first weeks, and don't confess they want to see you every day because they're OCD. That sounds like it could become stifling very quickly, maybe even controlling.
Look for mellow, balanced individuals. If you met this guy (and the others) on an app, get off the apps. Meet people the old-fashioned way; by joining groups, activities, hobby groups, Meetups, etc., so you can get to know people gradually over time and size them up as you go along. This takes patience, though.
I get the feeling a lot of people don't have the patience to spend months, a year, trying a few regularly-scheduled activities, so they go on the apps thinking it will be more "efficient". Then they complain about how all the men/women on the apps are neurotic or jerks or whatever, and they end up expending a lot of energy and getting frustrated with a process that goes nowhere and only causes them grief. That doesn't sound more efficient to me. There's no way to rush the process of finding a good match.
Anyway, the one you're seeing now doesn't sound "too good to be true". There's more to partnering than matching cognitive styles or matching horoscopes, or whatever. A LOT more. Look for people who are mentally and emotionally healthy.
This is one of the reasons why you will often read or hear that the wisest thing to do is to take it slow when you begin a new romance. All too often people will do things like jump into bed together by the third date (if they already didn't have sex on date one or two) and agree to only date one another by the 4th date. By date 5 they are living together, and in 6 months or even less, they have a bitter break-up and are each staring at their computer screens, going over the pictures of the fresh meat on Tinder and wondering if that appealing grin belongs to their REAL soulmate at long last. Hint: It doesn't.
Too much, too soon, too fast almost always leads to a less than perfect outcome.
We all want to find someone who will fall madly in love with us - and we with them. Am I correct in my understanding that your new beau is the first guy who has made your poor, bruised heart go pitter-pat since you parted ways with that narc a year ago? If so, you may not realize how vulnerable you still are. Your gut feeling tells you that your new guy is more than just a nice person - he is a nice person who just so happens to be darn near perfect as far as you can tell. Don't believe your gut. No one is THAT perfect. It's easy to get swept away by someone who says and does all the romantic stuff we dream about - and in your case, he's even an INF just like you! Or not. People who behave this way are sometimes less sincere than they are smooth and practiced.
Be realistic, practical and wary as you approach your new relationship with this man. Set some boundaries and make sure you stick to them. It doesn't just feel a bit rushed, it IS a bit rushed. Slow it down. One month is not enough time to get to know someone no matter how well you seem to click on however many levels. If it's real, he won't mind waiting for you. Don't let him make you feel rushed into anything. You'll have plenty of time to spend everyday together once you are an old couple married for fifty years, sitting together on your porch swing.
If you agree to "fast track it" and spend every single day together after only a month, you are headed for uncharted waters that could well prove dangerous. Take a deep breath and slow down. As that old song by Diana Ross goes,
You can't hurry love
You just have to wait
Love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take
You can't hurry love
You just have to wait
Trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes.
If it's real and you take it slow, your feelings for one another are not going to evaporate. If it's not real, you'll find out soon enough because those red flags you mentioned are just going to accumulate. And I know whereof I speak. When it comes to falling for narcissists, I've been there, done that, wiped my endless tears on the T-shirt. I hope it all works out for you. Take care of yourself.
Because to me, someone who tells me a bunch of their exes were clinically flawed tends to be a red flag on its own. I figure there's as much chance this person actually was with "narcissists" as there is that this person is reflexively demonizing their exes to avoid dealing with their own responsibility for the failure of the relationship.
That being said I think you're already aware that you're being overly defensive. The best way to get your confidence back is to get back on the horse after falling. If you hesitate too long your fear will only compound.
The problem with the whole "narc" red flags spotting is that everyone, every now and then, will exhibit behaviors that could, ro the hyperaware, be construed as a narcissistic trait. I think it's a very counterproductive thing to dedicate too much thinking to putting people in little boxes.
You like this guy? He seems genuine? He seems empathic? Go with your feelings and just enjoy it.
The worst that can happen is the relationship won't work out to your satisfaction. Then you'll get over it. But if you waste all your time afraid of getting your feet wet you will never get anywhere with anyone.
Changing Woman has some great advice for you. Take. Things. Slow. Do not jump into bed with him; hopefully you haven't already. Set boundaries (in other words, don't let him twist your arm into intimacy or demanding that you have feelings for him or demanding other things from you that you aren't ready to give. For an example, like the first month after I started dating my neighbor he confesses that he "loves" with me. Yeah, right. I told him I wasn't there yet, that he needs to give me time. He'd always part ways with me saying, "I love you." I wouldn't say that in return because I didn't feel that way. He was alright with that. And I ended the relationship with him; those feelings never developed but grew more distant).
Because of your prior failed relationships, you need to take things extra slow. Take note of how he acts with your boundary setting. If a guy can stick with you for like six months at least without getting into bed, that is a good sign (waiting until marriage is better, but there's not many that do that anymore outside of conservative Christians that is).
It's good that he says he understands that you need to take time to trust him, but then anyone can say that and as CW says a month is not taking any time. Six months with no heavy commitment (like intimacy) seems good to me (from a non-believer's perspective; as I said for me it's not until marriage). See how he goes with that. If you already slept with him, well; you may really have a much tougher time finding out if he has true feelings for you. May have already "screwed the pooch" as my husband would say; next time don't do that (that is if you're having trouble with lasting relationships and your partner not treating you right. I understand a lot of women want to jump into bed and that's all they want out of a relationship; if that's it go for it). But take it slow, slow, slow; excruciatingly slow. And set boundaries. Only time will tell in regards to how he respects you. Best wishes.
If he has red flags, it would have been revealed at the very beginning. Us guys are not that good at hiding things about ourselves. Based on what you're saying about him, though, he sounds pretty considerate because you go through moments of anxiety, and his compliments are a way to keep you feeling like you're worth it. I think, too, he's being genuine by saying good things about you. If you really want to know if he has major red flags, this is what, I think, you should do: observe how he treats OTHER PEOPLE. He might treat you well, but if he's treating others like crap, it's a matter of time until he starts doing it to you. Keep that in mind.
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