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Let your son's relationship with your friend, if indeed he ever has one, develop organically. Stay away from planned outings. Very few 18 year olds want to hang with their father and his new squeeze.
Also pay zero attention to his assessment of her. He's not mature enough to be a perceptive judge of character. He's met her once and he's already "annoyed"? He's probably got a mental image of his father having sex and it's grossing him out.
That's what's really annoying him.
If you haven't already explain to her your son's personality issues the way you have here. If she suggests things to do to get to know him deflect or delay the idea in some way that won't hurt her feelings.
Then go on with life, enjoying each other's company and seeing where it leads. Six months isn't a long time. Anything could happen.
Nope. My life. Not going to let someone else, much less my children, dictate my life. Mistakes happen, but they are my mistakes to make. I certainly will listen to people's intuition on things but I reserve the right to ignore.
Your son is too young to realize that you would like a partner in your life. That we are more fulfilled if we have someone to share our lives with.
He is at an age of being self centered. He's going to be more interested in people his own age. He's too old to bond with your gf. He's too young to comfortably socialize with adults, even of he is legally one himself.
As for him thinking her job isn't impressive - why should that matter? Unless he thinks she is looking at you like a cash cow. If her job provides for her what she needs in life it doesn't need to impress anyone. Honestly and integrity are what is important. If you are happy doing things together, another important thing.
You haven't exactly made your son look like prince charming. I think she should be thinking about whether or not you are worth putting up with if it's going to include him. Until he gets through school and establishes himself there's always the chance he could return to live with you. Eeeek!
As it stands she's only been your gf for six months. I assume there is no reason the two of you have to rush into co-habitating. You have time to further explore your relationship with her. Your son will adjust or not. You can choose between them later if necessary or perhaps they will eventually get used to each other.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I was in your sons shoes at 18. My mother was dating someone who wasn’t a bad guy but I knew perfectly well was not right for her because of differences in lifestyle. Me and dude got along fine for the most part but I kept telling my mother this ain’t it. Yes, I was a typical 18 year old that thought he knew everything, but seeing this mismatch would be something Stevie Wonder could even see. They broke up by my 19th birthday predictably.
While your son should not determine the ultimate fate of your relationship, I would not totally disregard any readings he has on her. Just for full disclosure, I happen to be on his side as a quiet person who cannot tolerate overly social people myself.
I don’t know why you need your 18 year old’s “ honest opinion”. He knows nothing about life and relationships or himself.
Use your own good judgement on the gf, or if you need another opinion, get a mature adult you respect and introduce this gf.
As for son, you can do short intros to gf, if it is still going well. Don’t force both to spend hours together. The kid should be focussed elsewhere. The gf shouldn't be at 6 months in campaigning for the kid to like her.
He isn't dating her so his approval is not the point . Who knows if you stay together. If you do, all he has to do is be polite, accepting and observe that she treats you decently.
Introducing too intensely might appear as you looking for a mom surrogate. He would reasonably be nauseated at a mom substitute.
Your son is too young to realize that you would like a partner in your life. That we are more fulfilled if we have someone to share our lives with.
He is at an age of being self centered. He's going to be more interested in people his own age. He's too old to bond with your gf. He's too young to comfortably socialize with adults, even of he is legally one himself.
As for him thinking her job isn't impressive - why should that matter? Unless he thinks she is looking at you like a cash cow. If her job provides for her what she needs in life it doesn't need to impress anyone. Honestly and integrity are what is important. If you are happy doing things together, another important thing.
You haven't exactly made your son look like prince charming. I think she should be thinking about whether or not you are worth putting up with if it's going to include him. Until he gets through school and establishes himself there's always the chance he could return to live with you. Eeeek!
As it stands she's only been your gf for six months. I assume there is no reason the two of you have to rush into co-habitating. You have time to further explore your relationship with her. Your son will adjust or not. You can choose between them later if necessary or perhaps they will eventually get used to each other.
This is my thoughts exactly. He has little experiance to go on and all that he does have is through moms relationships which have been very toxic and our marriage which wasn’t exactly toxic but not something to look at as a positive influence either. Dont get me wrong he is a super sweet kid with a great head on his shoulders but as someone mentioned previously, has a little bit of that teenager I know everything and have figured out life thing that kicks in from time to time. He also has that jaded view about life that everything has to and will be perfect so not sure he’s onboard with the idea of people meeting someone in thier 40s, getting married, dating woman with kids from other people etc. He just doesn’t understand the reality of life.
Honestly I think he is just in his feelings about someone new coming around after all of these years and picking her apart. She is such a sweetheart and a great mom to her own kids that I think she would be a positive presence for him. We have such a great, loving relationship that I would love for him to see because he has never seen anything negative examples of relationships. Not forcing any of this or even suggesting it but would be a great if it organically went that direction.
I love my son and nothing will ever change that. I also love this woman. It’s never going to come to her or me or anything like that but could be just the disappointing thought that it’s all a shared just for me which I can live with but of course would prefer otherwise.
I’m just going to ride it out and see how things progress organically. I’m a firm believer in connection and how hard they are to come by and I have one with this woman and want to keep her in my life.
I was in your sons shoes at 18. My mother was dating someone who wasn’t a bad guy but I knew perfectly well was not right for her because of differences in lifestyle. Me and dude got along fine for the most part but I kept telling my mother this ain’t it. Yes, I was a typical 18 year old that thought he knew everything, but seeing this mismatch would be something Stevie Wonder could even see. They broke up by my 19th birthday predictably.
While your son should not determine the ultimate fate of your relationship, I would not totally disregard any readings he has on her. Just for full disclosure, I happen to be on his side as a quiet person who cannot tolerate overly social people myself.
i agree. I am open to feedback as things progress but just expect him to at least be friendly to her when she is around. He would never be mean, thats just not him but at worst he would just not engage to an awkward point.
to be honest I even make him uncomfortable! I’m an extrovert and so is she where he is the complete opposite so I get it.
it was do you want to got to the game, cool can she come along. Instant eye roll and That’s when the conversation occurred I mentioned at the start of the post. I did let him know that she really wanted to get to know him and asked if we could include him in something so that they would have that opportunity.
You couldn't tell he was disappointed that it wouldn't be just the two of you? You tried to manipulate him into an outing with her at her urging.
You have only known her for 6 months which means that you don't really know her.
Why is she pressing the issue so early in the relationship? Does she have a problem with you spending time with your son without her?
There is plenty of time for them to get to know each other. Maintain a relationship with him regardless. Don't try to manipulate or force getting them together. Let it happen organically. Let him adapt at his own pace.
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