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Back off and give it some time. Maybe one day he will open up and be receptive to it.
Just ditch the back and forth with the friend as a conduit. Nothing good ever comes out of things like these. Approach and converse yourself and go from there.
Back away and let him go. He will never be able to comply with your ethical values. He probably lost all respect for you. What about him? Is he married too? What is this? Sodom and Gomorrha?
So, looking for some advice as I have gotten myself into a little bit of situation and please no judgement, as we are all human and we’re not perfect. I’m just looking for an honest perspective. I am a married woman, been with my husband for ten years. I am in an open marriage. My husband and I are non monogamous and free to pursue extra marital relationships, but I never felt that connection with anyone…except one man. I have been lusting after a man at work for several years now. Our relationship started off flirtatious but then became something more meaningful as time went on. We didn’t work in the same department, so there were times when we didn’t even get to talk or see each other much, but I felt a closeness to him I couldn’t explain. We would talk in each other’s offices about deeply personal things, and our relationship just felt very intimate. Our sexual tension was almost explosive to me, although at times I felt as if I was was maybe imagining it because I wanted it to be true so badly. We didn’t have a relationship outside of work as I was too afraid to
Cross a line with him.
I was just recently laid off from my job and I had a tearful goodbye with him and a female coworker who is my best girlfriend and a friend of his as well. Him and I hugged and exchanged phone numbers with a promise to keep in touch and hang out.
My friend later called me that night and asked me what was going on between me and him that she felt something between us that was so intense that she felt like she needed to leave the room. She knows I’m in an open marriage. I confessed to her that yeah, I was attracted to him and had some kind of feelings for him. She then decided she wanted to play matchmaker. I realized after a week how much I missed him when I didn’t get to see him every day. In realized how much he came to mean to me. She had talked to him at work and told him I missed him and wanted him to text me. She said he would and that he missed me as well. She also mentioned to him then that I was in an open marriage(one of the things I never shared with him) she said he was very intrigued by that. She felt that he had the same feelings for me and encouraged me to make a move first, because she felt he may not have the nerve.
Her and I went out to a bar a few days later. We both got pretty tipsy and I told her to tell him I wanted to have sex with him. She ended up telling him at work a few days after that, even though I didn’t necessarily mean for her to say that to him. She called me to tell me that he didn’t believe her, that I wanted sex with him. He replied But she’s married. So my friend again reminded him that I’m in an open marriage. He exact words were, “yeah you mentioned that. I feel like my simple little life would break open. I do miss her”. Any ideas what that statement might have meant? My friend is convinced he feels the same way and is scared. She encouraged me to text him to make the first move. I took the initiative and texted him a very generic message simply asking him how he was doing. Its been a few days and have not gotten a response. My friend is off work and has not gotten to speak to him.
This man does suffer from cripplingly low self esteem and has terrible self image. He was hurt deeply by an ex he was with for years. He doesn’t have much in his life and has not been with a woman in years since his ex left him. He is convinced that no women wants his and claims he gets no attention from women. It’s quite sad really as he is quite attractive. If only he had known how badly I lusted after him over the years. My friend is positive he reciprocates my feelings, but is petrified because he is not used to being looked at in that way.
So in trying to get speculative opinions on the matter, does think it sounds like he truly reciprocates my feelings and is scared? Is the fact that I am married keeping him away? Or does it sound like he is ignoring me because he doesn’t want to have an awkward conversation about how he doesn’t feel the same? As a friend, I think he would at least owe it to me to be honest about his feelings.
The fact that he has not texted me hurts because I thought we had a special connection and he would like to at least touch base with me to see how I am doing? Should I just let this go? I find it very hard to do so because I already miss him badly and just want him in my life in any capacity. I don’t want to not see him again. He has come to mean a lot to me. Or do I owe it to myself to keep exploring what it is that is between us? I know it could get messy. Honestly, I have no expectations of where I want things to go with him, I just miss him badly and want to spend time with him. Also, I don’t want to pressure him of course into something he doesn’t want or isn’t ready for. What should be my next move here?
Just because you are "OK" with an open marriage does not mean that guys are going to take that with a grain of salt. All you have to offer the is FWB and that's a terrible thing to do to a guy that already suffers from self esteem issues. Involving him in "your" idea of fun which includes having sex with someone that you are physically attracted to but not really emotionally. He will only be hurt in the long run so you shouldn't pursue anything with him.
I personally have never understood the "open marriage" thing because it defies all that "marriage" is about. Why would you get married to someone that you aren't willing to be faithful to? There will come a time in your marriage where all of this is going to backfire on both of you and it's not going to be pretty. In all honesty, any time that you "hook up" with someone else, they, too are committing adultery. It's wrong all the way around and you will wish you hadn't participated in it.
What is the reason that you are in an open marriage? Is an open marriage even a marriage?
Can your husband not perform what would be the only acceptable reason, divorce would be a more ethical solution, but it seems that you want your cake and eat it too.
This guy showed you clearly that he does not want to get involved with you.
I stop now bc elaborating more might get me an infraction.
Like most here I know nothing of polygamy(or whatever the kids are calling it these days) and find it distasteful in all honestly but I suspect for people who are interested in that sort of arrangement, they would need more emotional maturity than I've seen displayed in this scenario. Generally the advice I would give for this sort of thing would be for you to reach under your bed for your box of interesting things and take your sexual frustrations out on what you find there, and leave the other fellow alone. It'll be simpler for everyone.
. He exact words were, “yeah you mentioned that. I feel like my simple little life would break open. I do miss her”. Any ideas what that statement might have meant?
of course. He does not want to get involved with a married woman. Open marriage or not. He doesn't just want sex, he has feelings. Which - as you already mentioned - could turn out to be messy. He seems to value your marriage more than you do.
It sounds like he is monogamy-minded, so this is a case of different lifestyles, needs, and preferences that are mutually exclusive.
This is not judging you on your polyamory and open marriage. I think however a couple wants to approach their marriage is up to them and I think people need to knock off with projecting their definitions of marriage onto the whole world as though only their way is the right way. That said, OP, you are on a very vanilla forum with a lot of older and/or ignorant people who don't even know the terminology and cannot be bothered to learn, much less have any real knowledge of polyamory (not polygamy, which is having more than one wife, come on, English is not my first language and even I know that, look it up before you judge people), so in your shoes I would look for feedback in forums more geared toward your lifestyle.
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