Would You Date Someone if They Were Moving Away Soon? (girl, therapy)
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[Snip.]
Personally I've gone out for fun times that we kind of jokingly referred to as "dates" just...for the sake of having good times with a person I liked. A "date" can be a planned excursion with a platonic friend, for all I care, as long as the people doing it know what it means or it doesn't.
Like there are people HERE that I enjoy talking to enough that if the opportunity presented (and it has actually, a couple of times) I'd get together with them to sit, eat, talk, put a face to the name. I guess the "I would not even waste my time with you unless I was trying to lock you down for life"...to me, that "cheapens" the value of human connection somewhat. If I like a person, I'd spend time in their company without it having to relate to fulfilling a goal. A few hours of good conversation (or whatever we're doing) IS the goal.
I like this very much!
There is a wonderful serendipity to life, and I enjoy that element of connecting with people, and enjoying the interaction, even if it's a funny conversation with someone, standing in line at Walmart. Or making a best friend for the afternoon...never to be seen again afterwards... Or conversing with the mail lady who comes everyday at 3:00ish...I feel like my life is richer for those interactions.
Personally I've gone out for fun times that we kind of jokingly referred to as "dates" just...for the sake of having good times with a person I liked. A "date" can be a planned excursion with a platonic friend, for all I care, as long as the people doing it know what it means or it doesn't.
Like there are people HERE that I enjoy talking to enough that if the opportunity presented (and it has actually, a couple of times) I'd get together with them to sit, eat, talk, put a face to the name. I guess the "I would not even waste my time with you unless I was trying to lock you down for life"...to me, that "cheapens" the value of human connection somewhat. If I like a person, I'd spend time in their company without it having to relate to fulfilling a goal. A few hours of good conversation (or whatever we're doing) IS the goal.
Mod cut: Orphaned (reply to comments which have been deleted).
I think the issue here is semantics: for me, a 'date' is something I engage in to see if there is romantic compatibility and so forth. I do not view the other person as merely a 'friend', but as someone more.
If I am INTERESTED in the person, to answer the OP, then it is absolutely not. I will not invest any time, money, effort, etc. over something that, from a romantic standpoint, is dead. Any I certainly will not share my... ummm, 'assets' with that person.
So I think that the answer that we are zeroing in on here to the OP's query is...it depends. On your purpose and mindset and expectations and preferences and all.
I can tell ya what I would NOT do, though. I would NOT date someone for a few months knowing that they were leaving the country, with the hope or the expectation that such a bond would form that the relationship would have a long term future, as a long distance relationship or one where I hoped they'd come back to me, or help me join them in the other place.
But I don't personally see those kinds of arrangements...long distance, hoping that someone will wait or invest big after a few months...as being very practical.
So in other words, I'd ONLY do this if I felt I could accept not ever seeing them again when they left. That means either trying to keep it casual enough that you don't feel heartbroken when it ends, or else being emotionally resilient enough as a person to believe that even if it hurts, you can get over it and get on with life, and the connection (even fleeting) is worth it. My own proclivities would put me in the final camp...I don't believe that I can control my feelings, so I would feel that I'm taking a risk of feeling hurt, but I don't let fear of that pain stop me from enjoying what I can. I believe in my own ability to recover and go on.
Sure. Sometimes a date is just for some nice company so you don't have to sit alone in a restaurant or so you have someone to talk to about the concert or play you just saw. Not every date is a preamble to a marriage prospect.
People who are moving away in two months aren't required to isolate themselves and not talk to anyone for fear that there might be some sort of relationship between them. Just be honest about moving away and the time line.
Sure. Sometimes a date is just for some nice company so you don't have to sit alone in a restaurant or so you have someone to talk to about the concert or play you just saw. Not every date is a preamble to a marriage prospect.
People who are moving away in two months aren't required to isolate themselves and not talk to anyone for fear that there might be some sort of relationship between them. Just be honest about moving away and the time line.
But this is not DATING, this is just making blah blah conversation to pass time and beat boredpm.
I just went thru this EXACT scenario about 60 days ago.
We had a great first date, I thought she was cute, great kisser, personable, positive attitude about life. She was willing to date, in these Covid times - that right there, makes her one in a million.
But she's here in the US on a work visa, she travels back and forth between her home country and SoCal every other year, like some kind of migrating bird.
She made it clear that she "did not love the United States", and was only here to make money and send it back home.
She claimed that she owned beachfront property back home, and that was her end-game plan. [ implied: will you follow me? ]
That whole "I dont love the US or American culture" is what really rankled me. Why would I invest my time or heart or money on someone holding a rip cord and promising to jump out of the plane?
For a man who pays for the dates, counting gas and meals for two, parking and a pair of beverages down by a unremarkable beachfront bar, I was out $100 for the night.
Bagging a random on an idle Tuesday, I can say I've been there done that enough times that the thrill is gone. I want something I can count on. So never called her back. Must've been mutual because never got a txt or call from her either, just to say "hi, or thinking about you, or look at this funny meme".
In the words of Rosanne Cash: "there's a fool on every corner when you're trying to get home"
If you did only coffee and movies during these 2 months would you go "backpacking" later to his place to crash on his couch?.....":-))))
Would you if you had sex?
I might, either way, though knowing myself I don't really see me doing any backpacking around anyplace ever, I'm too much the control freak and planner to travel without having every detail researched and booked in advance. But I'll try and imagine myself in that situation... Maybe. If we connected well and it felt like a sweet, easygoing thing and I felt that they were trustworthy and safe to be alone with and around, and they felt the same about me. Sex doesn't change anything there, if it happens or it doesn't, that is a separate negotiation entirely.
But I wouldn't take it for granted either way.
Because I would assume that it's within the other person's freedom and rights to arrive at their new home, meet someone, and form a relationship, and that if that happened, their new partner might not want some random person that they had dated coming around, especially if they had moved in together. That dude might trust me and even consider me a good friend, but to his new person, I am a complete stranger from another country!
I know a woman who wanders the earth as her lifestyle, she works the Renaissance fairs and plays music and she's had this traveling life for ages, she's done it in Australia and Europe and all over North America. She's made probably thousands of friends, casual lovers, and connections of various types everywhere over the years, and when she's heading to a new place, she'll put out the call on Facebook if she hasn't already got a plan, and contact people she knows where she's going, and she can always find somewhere to stay. Her life isn't for me, but I sure enjoy being her friend and following her stories of a more adventurous path. And I know that there are places she stays where the owner is not someone she's had sex with.
Though I suspect that often it's more a matter of renting a room on the cheap when that happens, but I don't ask for the particulars, it's none of my business. She even befriended some Amish people and lodged in a small cabin they owned over a winter once!
I might, either way, though knowing myself I don't really see me doing any backpacking around anyplace ever, I'm too much the control freak and planner to travel without having every detail researched and booked in advance. But I'll try and imagine myself in that situation... Maybe. If we connected well and it felt like a sweet, easygoing thing and I felt that they were trustworthy and safe to be alone with and around, and they felt the same about me. Sex doesn't change anything there, if it happens or it doesn't, that is a separate negotiation entirely.
But I wouldn't take it for granted either way.
Because I would assume that it's within the other person's freedom and rights to arrive at their new home, meet someone, and form a relationship, and that if that happened, their new partner might not want some random person that they had dated coming around, especially if they had moved in together. That dude might trust me and even consider me a good friend, but to his new person, I am a complete stranger from another country!
I know a woman who wanders the earth as her lifestyle, she works the Renaissance fairs and plays music and she's had this traveling life for ages, she's done it in Australia and Europe and all over North America. She's made probably thousands of friends, casual lovers, and connections of various types everywhere over the years, and when she's heading to a new place, she'll put out the call on Facebook if she hasn't already got a plan, and contact people she knows where she's going, and she can always find somewhere to stay. Her life isn't for me, but I sure enjoy being her friend and following her stories of a more adventurous path. And I know that there are places she stays where the owner is not someone she's had sex with.
Though I suspect that often it's more a matter of renting a room on the cheap when that happens, but I don't ask for the particulars, it's none of my business. She even befriended some Amish people and lodged in a small cabin they owned over a winter once!
Thanks, Sonic, for your reply
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