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After not hearing from him a few days I texted, and we briefly talked about my daughter. I realized I hadn’t asked him to meet her whereas I’d spent a bunch of time w his son already, so I texted “you can hang out with us at some point… I’d just want to be able to be clear to her about who you are & not introduce ambiguously like as a friend.” He completely blew me off!!!! I followed up “hey, so when we were talking about my daughter I just mentioned why I prefer to wait longer to introduce her even though I appreciated meeting your son, but didn’t hear back from you about what page you’re on.” His response? “Not sure, thinking we should just remain friends for now, bc with all that’s happening I don’t think I can’t provide everything necessary for you to be in a relationship right now. That can definitely change but I think you need more than I can give right now.”
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kansasbbq10
why wouldn’t he “let me go” saying he can’t give me what I need right now? Even if I’m super selfless, he literally has almost nothing to give.
I guess the only way to figure out whether it was just a blowoff or he really did like me is… time? I haven’t made any attempt to contact him, figuring maybe I could reach out to see how he was and that I miss seeing him in another week or two, maybe?
He already let you go. You are the one that needs to move on now.
You are old enough to have a daughter but you write like you haven't the vaguest idea of cancer and cancer treatments. Regardless, you are certainly old enough to use Google and learn about cancer and cancer treatments, what they do to the body, and how they affect mental health, as well as how to interact with people who have cancer, what to say to them, what not to say to them, and how to be supportive.
You clearly have not done that, instead choosing to selfishly put your own needs and wants first.
The more I think, regardless of how much he might like me or otherwise want a romantic/sexual relationship, if he can’t work (was supposed to go back next month and now has cold feet), can barely give attention to his kids (describing snapping at them and his son saying “are you just going to sleep again all day?!), and can’t even get hard let alone actually sustain anything for sex, why wouldn’t he “let me go” saying he can’t give me what I need right now? Even if I’m super selfless, he literally has almost nothing to give.
I guess the only way to figure out whether it was just a blowoff or he really did like me is… time? I haven’t made any attempt to contact him, figuring maybe I could reach out to see how he was and that I miss seeing him in another week or two, maybe?
OP, you still don't get it. And neither does his son. Chemo takes a LOT out of people. It's so stressful to the body, that it drains people. That's dangerous. I've known people who, after a complete course of chemo, developed adrenal fatigue, which is potentially fatal if left untreated. When adrenal fatigue is advanced enough. people literally can't pick themselves up out of bed, or they have to wait until the afternoon to gather enough strength. The medical system doesn't seem to be wise to this side effect.
You have no idea how he feels; no idea what it's like to have gone through what he's experienced. Of course he has nothing to give; he needs to recover his strength, and that could take months.
It's not a rejection of you, personally. He has a more important priority right now; recovering his health and saving his life, basically.
It sounds like you’ve been overly selfless and too available, considering you haven’t been dating very long. Do you feel like you get something out of watching over him while he sleeps for twelve hours? That’s a bit much.
I think you’ve smothered him. Give him a break and do not contact him first. It’s not your job.
He already let you go. You are the one that needs to move on now.
This is sorta what I’m asking.. so given his current situation is it reasonable to tell me he can’t be in any relationship for now but that can totally change (what he said), or am I supposed to treat him as equivalent to a guy not totally beaten down by chemo / with no sexual abilities whatsoever, and assume he’s just blowing me off/rejecting me personally?
This is sorta what I’m asking.. so given his current situation is it reasonable to tell me he can’t be in any relationship for now but that can totally change (what he said), or am I supposed to treat him as equivalent to a guy not totally beaten down by chemo / with no sexual abilities whatsoever, and assume he’s just blowing me off/rejecting me personally?
I think so but it would have to be up to him, not you, IMO.
This is sorta what I’m asking.. so given his current situation is it reasonable to tell me he can’t be in any relationship for now but that can totally change (what he said), or am I supposed to treat him as equivalent to a guy not totally beaten down by chemo / with no sexual abilities whatsoever, and assume he’s just blowing me off/rejecting me personally?
Please don't make any assumptions about him.
Even physically healthy people have been known to say that they "can't be in a relationship right now" shortly after they enter one. For example, some people may jump right back into dating as soon as the ink is dry on their divorce decree. They may want a relationship, but realize that they're not emotionally ready.
I'd take him at face value. If he says he can't be in a relationship right now, then he can't. Yes, his situation may improve enough later on to where he can be in a relationship. But right now is probably not the best time for him. He already has enough on his plate.
I wouldn't take his 'rejection' of you personally. Sure, it may sting for a bit. But I would simply bow out gracefully. No harm, no foul.
I was the one that said get off his ass. That said, in a few weeks drop him a simple note asking him how he is doing. Let him respond and if he des not, get over it.
When he first asked me out, he’d already had surgery to remove his cancer & radiation therapy, just a few more chemo rounds to go. I’d spend the night at his place but we only PG-cuddled, barely even kissed- he said he’d lost all sex drive w the cancer but would be ?back to normal soon. In all the times we cuddled, it was obvi he never once even got hard. In the midst of this, he invited me to a monster truck rally w/his son & son’s friend (he’s divorced), it was on New Year’s Day and then I stayed the whole next day, he cooked for us.
Then his last chemo started. I visited him almost every single day he was hospitalized, even when I had my daughter (I’m also divorced) & had to get a friend to watch her for an hour. I’d just hold his hand and do whatever he needed. Since he came home from the hospital this last time, he’s been so frail, nauseous, in a fog. Told me he’d snapped at his son and felt bad, and then his son was like “you gonna just go home and lay in bed which is all you ever do?” He’d sleep 12 hours straight when I was over, with night sweats. If I had a bad day at work he would brush me off, not really listen or even say a single empathic thing like “sorry about your day,” but I never once criticized bc I figured I can’t expect anything from someone who’s sick. He’d also routinely disappear for a few days, not even texting me once; again I would never act bothered.
After not hearing from him a few days I texted, and we briefly talked about my daughter. I realized I hadn’t asked him to meet her whereas I’d spent a bunch of time w his son already, so I texted “you can hang out with us at some point… I’d just want to be able to be clear to her about who you are & not introduce ambiguously like as a friend.” He completely blew me off!!!! I followed up “hey, so when we were talking about my daughter I just mentioned why I prefer to wait longer to introduce her even though I appreciated meeting your son, but didn’t hear back from you about what page you’re on.” His response? “Not sure, thinking we should just remain friends for now, bc with all that’s happening I don’t think I can’t provide everything necessary for you to be in a relationship right now. That can definitely change but I think you need more than I can give right now.”
I responded “I thought I’d been super giving, not sure why you’d say I ‘need a lot.’ I was happy just to hang out with you, which you clearly wish to discard.” He was like “not true, I’d never discard that, you’re very giving… I’m sorry you’re reacting angrily, I’m doing my best.” I just replied this really isn’t a convo we should have over text, and that was it.
?? I never required anything. Never even said anything when he didn’t text me once over multiple days. And suddenly it’s too much that I reference meeting my daughter “at some point” when he’s already asked me to hang w his son on multiple occasions?? Just bc I stated my boundaries that I’d want things to be “more than friends” between us before I would introduce my daughter?
So he went through chemotherapy and understand that's radiation sickness essentially. I've never had it but from the sound of it I don't want to ever experience that if I can avoid it.
He might also feel bad that you are interested in him and he's sick. A lot of people who get sick want to spare other people from having to deal with it. What you have to do if you want more from that kind of person more relationship I mean is show them you're in it For better or For worse.
This is sorta what I’m asking.. so given his current situation is it reasonable to tell me he can’t be in any relationship for now but that can totally change (what he said), or am I supposed to treat him as equivalent to a guy not totally beaten down by chemo / with no sexual abilities whatsoever, and assume he’s just blowing me off/rejecting me personally?
Does it matter? He can't be in a relationship right now, for whatever reason. What does it matter why? Is one or the other answer going to make you feel better about yourself or whatever it is you're hoping a solid explanation will do? (Anyone can end a relationship for any reason they like and it's "reasonable," yes.)
And I suggest you don't sit by the phone waiting for him. Live your life. If he calls you again some day, great, but don't put your life on hold for him.
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