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Have nuisance neighbors including excessive noise, partying etc. but a fighting couple who are roomates of the actual tenant have escalated their battles. What was an 'emotional' discussion at least once a month has now turned physical. Can hear thumps, thuds, knocks like wrestling, pushing shoving. Now when the guy gets upset he doesn't hold back and screams f bombs at his crying girlfriend without any restraint. The girl exits the apartment to cry, cool off in which the entire building can hear. He's left or been tossed on more than one occasion but she keeps bringing or letting him back into her life.
There are drug issues, joblessness and tight quarters/no privacy with this couple in an apartment ment for fewer occupants. I was under the impression this was a successful career woman with a luxury car, regular job etc. Apparently lost job last year and the couple hangs around all day playing video games, partying, drinking, pot smoking etc.
I see a Gabby(the murdered girl on road trip with boyfriend) situation developing because of the similarities including the all their time together except they're doing it in a small apartment rather than a van on a roadtrip. Throw in drugs, alcohol, unemployment/pressure issues it's a recipe for disaster.
It's more curiosity at this point but why would she and others stay in an abusive relationship that's going no where-literally/physically going no where.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, having to listen to it. As someone who has some nasty history in my past, hearing other people engage in loud, angry yelling, let alone physical violence, is very stressful for me.
There have been a number of threads here and elsewhere about why people don't instantly exit an abusive relationship. My own observation (related to my first marriage) is that sometimes, you have to hit rock bottom, like an addict does, to reach a point where you know that there's no hope left for it, and where your circumstances are not going to improve in such a way as to make leaving any easier, it will just keep getting worse and you have no other option left but to GO.
In this situation, I think that her job loss is probably compounding matters. She likely has financial insecurity and doesn't know where she would go or how she would get by if she tried to leave. I mean, housing costs are so freaking high right now, even gainfully employed people are struggling to afford to live on their own. That is one rather nasty effect that I believe is probably happening with this housing market (especially rental prices)...people in abusive relationships are probably more stuck than ever. EDIT: That was not stated well. They are not more stuck than they were in my Grandparents' generation or prior, when women could not even have a bank account on their own and divorce was more severely stigmatized and hard to even do. But they are more stuck than they could be in modern times, I think.
There are a lot of reasons. Sometimes a person simply has no other options. Nowhere to go. They are trapped. There are shelters out there but not enough of them. Shelters can get full or sometimes refuse to take someone for one reason or another. Not everyone has family or friend nearby that can give them temporary shelter, and maybe her name is on the lease, but he refuses to leave. She could get a TRO and get the police involved to force him to leave, but maybe he has threatened what he would do to her if she does that, or she has reason to fear retaliation.
There is also such a thing as a trauma bond. One's brain becomes habituated to the chemical highs which occur during abuse. The adrenaline pumping, and once removed from the abuser, experiences a kind of "crash" which causes actual withdrawal symptoms, as if one is coming down off a drug like meth or cocaine or heroin. The person must go through a sort of "detox" from an abuse situation before they can feel like themselves again. Its not that the person enjoys the abuse, which is a common misconception. Its more that their brain has become addicted to the chemical which is released during the abuse. Much like a person addicted to a drug may stop enjoying the effects of the drug, but still, they are chemically addicted; they need it to function and the withdrawal effects are too uncomfortable, so they relapse just to stop the uncomfortable withdrawal.
Things such as gaslighting also play a part. The abused person may come to believe they are not able to function without the abuser. Possibly their self-esteem has been eroded. They may have come to believe whatever things the abuser has told them about themselves. They may believe they are unworthy and unloveable and deserve the abuse they are getting.
Its very complex. Leaving an abusive situation is never easy though on the outside, its easy to think "You are unhappy so just leave."
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, having to listen to it. As someone who has some nasty history in my past, hearing other people engage in loud, angry yelling, let alone physical violence, is very stressful for me.
There have been a number of threads here and elsewhere about why people don't instantly exit an abusive relationship. My own observation (related to my first marriage) is that sometimes, you have to hit rock bottom, like an addict does, to reach a point where you know that there's no hope left for it, and where your circumstances are not going to improve in such a way as to make leaving any easier, it will just keep getting worse and you have no other option left but to GO.
In this situation, I think that her job loss is probably compounding matters. She likely has financial insecurity and doesn't know where she would go or how she would get by if she tried to leave. I mean, housing costs are so freaking high right now, even gainfully employed people are struggling to afford to live on their own. That is one rather nasty effect that I believe is probably happening with this housing market (especially rental prices)...people in abusive relationships are probably more stuck than ever. EDIT: That was not stated well. They are not more stuck than they were in my Grandparents' generation or prior, when women could not even have a bank account on their own and divorce was more severely stigmatized and hard to even do. But they are more stuck than they could be in modern times, I think.
The actual tenants seem to be tolerating/enabling this this guy allowing him in the apartment. It's kind of hard to figure out everyone's connection because the actual tenants seem to know the guy.
I doubt the boy friend employed or even working part-time because there are too many stretches he's there 24/7 so I doubt he was bringing that much money/rent into the picture if at all.
This has always made me wonder too. I think on some levels women are attracted to men with emotional issues. I can't say I've ever been a physically violent person, but I have gone through periods of my life where I have been in a very toxic state emotionally (alcoholism) and had more success with women in that timeframe than I did at any other point in my life. To this day it makes me wonder why any woman was willing to be with me during that time in the first place, and how so few of them saw my drinking/depression as a dealbreaker. Looking back since getting sober, I cannot believe what some of the women I was dating were willing to tolerate from me.
Of course it's purely anecdotal, but it seems there is a very significant population of women who seem to enjoy being with people who are clearly toxic/dysfunctional. I think men also can fall victim to abusive relationships in this way too though it doesn't seem to happen as often or at least gets a lot less attention.
I think women enter relationships like this (and stay in them) for a number of reasons. Either they think (incorrectly) that their presence can change the man's behavior, they had abusive/dysfunctional parents/siblings growing up, or they simply have masochistic tendencies and secretly enjoy being treated poorly.
Of course the situation is very different if the person in question is physically violent because then the woman may stay out of fear. But in the former case where there is no physical abuse, it seems they stay very simply because they want to.
Last edited by western27; 01-29-2022 at 01:18 PM..
How many "why do people stay in abusive relationships?" threads can we have? This topic has been done to death, with many good replies detailing why in every thread where the question is asked.
Also, all of the "women like it" responses to these types of threads get old.
Is this disruptive enough that you could call the police when it happens or at least complain to building mngment? You do deserve to have your home peaceful, not disturbed by people that can't keep their arguments at a discussion level.
How many "why do people stay in abusive relationships?" threads can we have? This topic has been done to death, with many good replies detailing why in every thread where the question is asked.
Also, all of the "women like it" responses to these types of threads get old.
How about some threads on why people get into abusive relationships in the first place then?
I was in a r/s long ago and she ended it because, in her words, "you don't hit me." Now, I'm not going to say she 'likes' being hit but it sure seems like she expects it.
Her 'picker' was deffo kaputt when she 'picked' me... lol.
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