Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It sounds like your husband needs to leave. It’s unhealthy to have him around. Alcoholic behavior can be learned and inherited. Your family needs to consider ALANON, which supports families of alcoholics.
There are zero benefits currently to having your husband live in the home. Why stand in his way?
Reduce everyone's stress, and let him move out.
Figure it out from there after everyone has had some months of stress reduction time to clear their heads.
Daily alcohol consumption is problem #1. If he can at least agree to seek help for that, that would show you that he's willing to *try* and fix these issues. He's likely doing it to mask his depression, which does nothing but dig a deeper hole for himself emotionally, so it's this awful vicious circle that will only get worse as it continues. Soon, he'll need more alcohol to feel the same effect, then more, then still more.....you see where this is going?
I'm generally not in the "break this off ASAP" camp as I think many issues can be resolved. If he refuses to get help for his alcohol (and then, indirectly, his depression), it's time to split up as this won't end well.
And sorry to sound so cold but I would ensure his life insurance policy has you named and your wills are up-to-date.
Parent child relationships definitely can be permanently destroyed by bad behavior. This situation does not look good. I’m not sure the OP can do anything to fix it if both the kids and the father have had it with each other. If there is any hope of fixing this everyone involved should talk to a family therapist.
Daily alcohol consumption is problem #1. If he can at least agree to seek help for that, that would show you that he's willing to *try* and fix these issues. He's likely doing it to mask his depression, which does nothing but dig a deeper hole for himself emotionally, so it's this awful vicious circle that will only get worse as it continues. Soon, he'll need more alcohol to feel the same effect, then more, then still more.....you see where this is going?
I'm generally not in the "break this off ASAP" camp as I think many issues can be resolved. If he refuses to get help for his alcohol (and then, indirectly, his depression), it's time to split up as this won't end well.
And sorry to sound so cold but I would ensure his life insurance policy has you named and your wills are up-to-date.
This is pretty much how I perceive it. He is not really willing to try to improve based on anything other than his personal health. Last month, he threw up from too much alcohol (and no food). A few months before, he had to go to the doctor about an issue, and upon reading about it, he realized that it was likely due to heavy alcohol consumption. It was one bottle of wine a night, and his effort to reduce it has him at 3-6 beers a day. I do not drink alcohol.
Life insurance is all set, and I manage it for both of us. The main term life policy has about a decade left, but there are three others that are over a half million altogether. He knows I’m a good wife and mom and hasn’t done anything to indicate that he wouldn’t continue to provide financially. He is a fairly high income earner. I just don’t think he was ever cut out to be a dad. He would agree. We actually don’t have wills, and that was mainly because we could never select a guardian for the kids. I expected to get to it when the youngest is turning eighteen. I know that isn’t the recommended path.
I think he might have more psychological issues as well as there are some mental health issues in his family. He won’t get it checked out. I tried when we nearly split last time, but at that point he wouldn’t because he thought it would mean he couldn’t see the kids. That isn’t his reason now, but he still won’t get checked out.
That reminds me- He has seen his siblings be extreme burdens on his parents well into adulthood. I think that some of that is projected onto his view of the burden our kids are. He thinks they will continue to be a financial and emotional drain because he saw that with his siblings.
Just curious......was the decision to have so many children supported by this man? If he feels they are so burdensome, why not just have one (or none)? Seems so odd to me.....and this isn't unique to your husband, trust me.....that people feel this way towards children AFTER they've had the children.
Wow, does this situation ever feel very familiar to me.
Like you, OP, I thought that I was doing "the right thing" somehow by trying way too hard to keep my family together and keep the Dad around even when he was disengaged at best as a father. I thought it might get better if I could just keep it all together long enough. But it didn't. We hit a rock bottom and it all came apart, and it was vastly more traumatic for our kids (and for both of us) BECAUSE I didn't do it sooner. It did not feel like a mistake when I was doing it, it felt like I was making all of these noble sacrifices trying to do what was right...but in hindsight, it was a mistake. A situation like this is only going to get worse, not better. A friend said to me, at one point, "how bad is it going to have to get, before you put an end to this?" It is bad now...but I promise it can get worse and your kids do not need to live through worse.
The main reason you are doing this, is because deep down you feel like if only he'd see things differently, he COULD be the man that you and your kids need him to be. But that is not going to happen. You need to find a way to make peace with that, and be free of the feeling that an end to this marriage is some sort of a failure on your part. It isn't. And you cannot change the past. Right now, you are sacrificing the present and future for a past you can't change.
And ya know what? It can be shocking how much things can change after a split. My sons are now both young adults, and in time I had other obligations that forced me to move to another city from where they (and my Ex) live. And without me in the picture, and with my Ex having gone a different direction and found some growth out on his own, he has actually become a better and more supportive parent. At least for one of our sons. The other wants nothing to do with his father, and that is his choice to make.
Do you sometimes even feel like it would be kinder if your husband's suffering were to end...like, permanently? See, towards the end I was feeling that way. It would be kinder for all of us, especially him, if he just were to die. And I felt like a monster for even thinking that. Other women who have had dysfunctional marriages here have admitted they felt the same way. You talking about life insurance and everything makes me think you might be kinda there, too.
Really, that should tell you something. Also, you have got to liberate yourself for any feelings of responsibility you might have to "help him" get healthier mentally. Only he can do that work. It is not your burden to bear. He's made it clear that he is not going to do it under the present circumstances living with your family....maybe he might do it for himself if he leaves. Maybe not. But even if not, there is nothing to lose since you know he won't do it now.
Just curious......was the decision to have so many children supported by this man? If he feels they are so burdensome, why not just have one (or none)? Seems so odd to me.....and this isn't unique to your husband, trust me.....that people feel this way towards children AFTER they've had the children.
The first strong indication of this was when I was pregnant with the fifth child and he began his affair with a child free woman. After that ended, he recommitted to the family, but I think he feels he has had to sacrifice a lot of who he is to be the family man. During that time, I was really frustrated over the fact that he waited so long to conclude that having kids was a drag to him. I asked him multiple times why he kept having kids. I don’t know. It was fine for many years in between that one and this past summer, but he has never been as attached to them as what I would consider normal, based on other dads I know.
I have always had the view that a two-parent home is ideal for the kids
Do you really believe that your current situation is ideal for your kids? They're not babies, teenagers can definitely pick up on dynamics and understand behaviors. If you and your husband did separate, your kids are old enough that they don't need 24/7 hands on care. They can cook dinner and do laundry and help in the household, because they are part of the household.
As others have said, get some counseling. This is bigger than what some simple advice on an internet discussion forum can help solve.
Best of luck.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
