New relationship caused me to go no contact with my family (marrying, statistics)
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On the off chance the OP is still around, I’ll offer up this…..in college, and maybe a year or so after, it’s not too alarming to get wasted drunk a lot. But by the time you’re 28, like this big haired Sue Ellen Ewing clone is, getting drunk every weekend indicates a great probability of having a life-long drinking problem.
This, and spending 8 hours in one day at a bar, even if the OP felt he had fun. OP, you're getting a view of how she lives her life. Bars are her home-away-from-home.
I'm still stuck on the first paragraph of the OP, where he sets up a dichotomy between spending weekend nights going to bars and partying, vs. staying home and spending the evenings talking.
Why the two extremes? There are MANY other options for entertainment, some that also involve talking (like going out to dinner, followed by other activities), some that don't (movies or other shows, concerts), some that are free, some that aren't.
I really find it hard to believe that ALL the OP's prior gf's only wanted to stay home weekend nights and talk. Quiet, sweet women enjoy fun activities, intellectual activities, learning opportunities, and much more from the range of goings-on that any decent-sized town has to offer.
Maybe the OP is lacking in imagination, and never could come up with interesting date ideas for his prior gf's, which is why he's attracted to this ball of energy he's with now. She's the one who's a whirlwind of activity, which compensates for the OP's tendency toward inertia on weekends. He's drawn to her high level of energy.
IDK. I"m trying to make sense out of that first paragraph.
I'm thinking the first paragraph is precisely the family's problem. It sounds like to them, he's become a completely different person than they knew-- he has even gotten tattoos because this woman has one. I can understand why that might be a cause of concern for them, on top of the fact that she's done things to rub them the wrong way and the fact that "hot" and "exciting" are usually a good recipe for "obsession" with many men, which would indeed lead them to do things they normally wouldn't do and/or tolerate things they normally wouldn't tolerate. OP's pretty excited about this woman and, well, I think we've seen plenty of other threads here from men whose "hot" and "exciting" significant others are unhinged and/or taking advantage of them and/or treating them badly, but they won't even consider leaving because she's so, well, "hot and exciting." (Also, we're only hearing OP's side of the story-- I wonder if the family could tell us about especially-concerning ways they feel she has changed him that he's not seeing/admitting due to his bias.)
Plus, OP, I'm getting the impression you almost feel she's "out of your league," and that may also be where your family sees red flags-- why did a woman this great choose you instead of a guy who's as rich, sexy, fun and vibrant, etc. as she is (and at her own age and life stage)?
But, hey-- you're still young, any relationship you're in at this point will probably not last, so, okay. Just keep in mind that your mind is probably clouded by how "exciting" you find her, that that could end badly for you (so no coming back here and complaining if it does), and that you are alienating your family-- you know, the people who will still be around when she's gone-- over this woman. (Out of curiosity, what do you friends think of her? And I don't just mean your other guy friends who are gonna be "oh hell yeah she's so hot and exciting!")
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Alcoholism takes many forms, grasshopper. True, we don't know all the details, but weekend binging definitely is a known form of it. Are we going too far at this point, to use the A-word? Maybe, or maybe not. But I'm just saying, that there's a weekend binge pattern here, that could be indicative of an issue.
Let me ask you this: can you recall spending a weekend with her that didn't involve alcohol? Do you recall her going 24 hrs. on a weekend without grabbing a beer? Just one day?
And can she stop? I used to have a friend who I would describe as having a problem. He didn't drink that often. It didn't keep him from living his life effectively. But if he started? He had a hard time stopping. Goes out drinking with coworkers? Might need to be picked up because he couldn't stop himself in enough time to sober up before it was time to leave. Drinking with friends? Might be stumbling as he left because he couldn't stop before he got to that point. Etc. It wasn't a constant problem, but it could be. Was he an alcoholic? I don't know. But he definitely had some issues with alcohol, even if intermittent.
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
And she's snobby? You actually reprimand her (to a degree) for her rudeness to people? IOW, she's not a nice person underneath all the exciting partying?
And, nobody should, or should have to, police the behavior of another grown adult. I'm not sure which is the bigger red flag.
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
That can be a sign of a narcissistic disorder. Bonafide narcs don't understand how their frankness comes across. They're genuinely clueless that they're going around offending people. They have faulty brain wiring.
Or, someone on the spectrum or simply just socially-awkward (or, possibly ADD if she doesn't think through how what she'll say will come across to someone who isn't inside her own head to know her intention/meaning). I would say "probably not socially-awkward if she's always been so popular," but on the other hand, if she's attractive and thrilling, a lot of people will probably overlook a lot of her flaws.
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Originally Posted by Lillie767
First post and only thread drama. Moving on. Nothing to see here.
Pretty much, yeah. Typical of a lot of these first-time posts. I like to think some of the responses may make other people think, since this sort of "situation" seems common here, but... OTOH... this sort of situation is common here and yet the fact that we keep seeing threads about it suggests no one learns anything.
Congratulations to you all, you really did an excellent job scaring him away. With your preaching and scolding.
He is only 22, just finished college, moved to Texas for his first job. How old are you all that you cannot understand how he feels? Why should he continue to stay here, he gets this reprimanding and bickering from his parents in abundance, congrats again.
Congratulations to you all, you really did an excellent job scaring him away. With your preaching and scolding.
He is only 22, just finished college, moved to Texas for his first job. How old are you all that you cannot understand how he feels? Why should he continue to stay here, he gets this reprimanding and bickering from his parents in abundance, congrats again.
What is your better advice?
He came here for advice. He got it. No one is guaranteed to get the "advice" they want to hear, no matter whom or where they ask.
And, the thing is, he asked how to win over his parents on her behalf. Well, the truth is, there's no way to make that happen. And we told him why. Lots of reasons why.
In any case, what his parents think doesn't really matter, since it's unlikely that this is going to be an LTR leading to a permanent commitment. Yes, it would be nice if the parents were ok with her, but plenty of people go through short-to-medium-term relationships that end up not being significant from the perspective of their married selves 15 years later. He can enjoy her company for as long as it lasts, and when it blows up, he can mend fences with his parents.
Probably his biggest lesson learned is not to be so forthcoming with his parents about older women, drinking, bars, tattoos, partying every weekend. Parents don't want to hear that kind of stuff coming from their child.
I did some of these things too in my 20s, I certainly didn't tell my mother about them. She would have worried too much.
No well meant advice stretches 12 pages long, it could have been summed up in few lines:
"Try to compromise with your parents, tread carefully so not to alienate them, they love you and want your best. Minimize and shorten your bar visits and always use protection."
All the extensive and down putting criticism was totally out of place, how do you expect him to accept this from you all, this was not giving helpful advice, this was hurtful criticism of the woman he loves, obviously his First Love! Since when has it become a minus to be beautiful and rich and educated, this alone might for many be a reason for dislike, envy and jealousy she has to fight against, sometime turning out the snobism.
I noticed that some posters turned OP's advice issue into a farce, finding it extremely entertaining and amusing, after OP stopped posting, on expense of the OP.
Is this he kind of advice some members of the C-D forum give?
What advice did you actually give regarding his parents? None.
You were only criticizing and telling him to look for another girlfriend, a wallflower!
Sometimes I forget. You know, you're just caught up in the mood & you don't think clearly enough to remember the protection. 8 out of 10 times I'd say I remember.
The problem with that is condoms are only about 85% effective over the course of a year with 'typical use' (and don't assume you're better than the typical user, you're probably not, and may be worse). Over longer periods of time, the failure rate is even higher.
The problem with that is condoms are only about 85% effective over the course of a year with 'typical use' (and don't assume you're better than the typical user, you're probably not, and may be worse). Over longer periods of time, the failure rate is even higher.
And, bearing in mind that their preferred weekend activity is drinking at bars, sometimes for hours, what do the statistics say about the condom failure rate after bar binges?
OP, news bulletin: it's not enough to just put it on. You have to make sure it 1) stays on, and 2) doesn't break. You can't just put it on and forget about it.
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