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New member here and wanted to say hi with a regrettably long post. Hope someone can relate and help.
My wife and I have been married nearly 11 years, together nearly 20 years. This is relevant to how ridiculous I think my issues may be to some.
I’m currently seeing a therapist in relation (initially) to feelings of retroactive/regressive jealousy.
The issue takes me back more than 19 years ago when my wife (then girlfriend) and I went on our first holiday together. One night we had an (admittedly ill-advised) conversation about our sexual pasts.
Now, when we got together I was 22 and she was 21. While I’d had limited sexual experience, I was a somewhat “late starter”. I’d only ever had very casual and limited sexual experience and was honest about this. She was also honest (I assume) and had a rather more extensive experience than I. This shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. I had a very imature reaction to this and frankly she would have been justified in telling me to get over it or go to hell. She didn’t thankfully.
Realising what a tool I was being via the logical side of my brain, I buried it. Forgotten…… or so I thought.
Here I am, years down the line and these ridiculous, compulsive insecurities are cropping up again. Plagued with thoughts of how she had done intimate things with other men which we do, or indeed done things with them which we haven’t. It’s appalling and intrusive but it just wouldn’t stop.
Disturbed by the path I was taking, I booked in with a psychotherapist. I have since come to terms with the fact that my issues relate to me and my past. Me alone, not her, and I’m projecting me insecurity onto her.
Recently however it’s felt as though it’s worsening. My insecurities are spreading to the present and I find myself being preoccupied with thoughts of my wife’s fidelity and convincing myself that she will ultimately find someone better and leave me. I have no evidence to support my insecurities and no matter how much I apply the logic, the emotional illogical mess takes over.
I’m now concerned that my insecurities are smothering her, but don’t know what to do to address it. She hasn’t told me that I’m overbearing, but there is definitely more of a distance than there has been in the past and I feel it’s because I’m smothering her.
To make a long story short, do I ask her outright if I’m smothering her? And if so ask her if she needs space from me?
Ultimately, I know this is my issue, not hers. But don’t know how to proceed.
New member here and wanted to say hi with a regrettably long post. Hope someone can relate and help.
My wife and I have been married nearly 11 years, together nearly 20 years. This is relevant to how ridiculous I think my issues may be to some.
I’m currently seeing a therapist in relation (initially) to feelings of retroactive/regressive jealousy.
The issue takes me back more than 19 years ago when my wife (then girlfriend) and I went on our first holiday together. One night we had an (admittedly ill-advised) conversation about our sexual pasts.
Now, when we got together I was 22 and she was 21. While I’d had limited sexual experience, I was a somewhat “late starter”. I’d only ever had very casual and limited sexual experience and was honest about this. She was also honest (I assume) and had a rather more extensive experience than I. This shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. I had a very imature reaction to this and frankly she would have been justified in telling me to get over it or go to hell. She didn’t thankfully.
Realising what a tool I was being via the logical side of my brain, I buried it. Forgotten…… or so I thought.
Here I am, years down the line and these ridiculous, compulsive insecurities are cropping up again. Plagued with thoughts of how she had done intimate things with other men which we do, or indeed done things with them which we haven’t. It’s appalling and intrusive but it just wouldn’t stop.
Disturbed by the path I was taking, I booked in with a psychotherapist. I have since come to terms with the fact that my issues relate to me and my past. Me alone, not her, and I’m projecting me insecurity onto her.
Recently however it’s felt as though it’s worsening. My insecurities are spreading to the present and I find myself being preoccupied with thoughts of my wife’s fidelity and convincing myself that she will ultimately find someone better and leave me. I have no evidence to support my insecurities and no matter how much I apply the logic, the emotional illogical mess takes over.
I’m now concerned that my insecurities are smothering her, but don’t know what to do to address it. She hasn’t told me that I’m overbearing, but there is definitely more of a distance than there has been in the past and I feel it’s because I’m smothering her.
To make a long story short, do I ask her outright if I’m smothering her? And if so ask her if she needs space from me?
Ultimately, I know this is my issue, not hers. But don’t know how to proceed.
Thoughts?
Thanks
What did your psychotherapist have to say about this? I would follow that lead instead of asking random strangers on the internet.
It's nice to see that you have taken measures to learn and grow from your insecurities. It seems like you need more therapy to get beyond these feelings you're projecting onto you wife.
I don't know from your post how you are behaving toward your wife that you think she's being "smothered". Are you needy, clingy, or demanding / controlling in some way? Objectivey? If not ... then she's a big girl, she can tell you if she needs space. Don't give her ideas. Focus on your therapy. You're to be applauded for getting help and recognizing that you're projecting.
If you think you may be smothering her, you probably are. What behaviors of yours seem to be responsible. I can only suggest that you be aware of the tendency, note when you are about to do or say something that would be smothering or controlling, and STOP yourself from going on with it.
It is far too late to do anything about her experiences before you got together; the only time you could have or should have done anything was when you had the discussion that bothers you, and you should have broken things off then. Now, you have to find a way to let this issue go, or destroy what I assume is a good relationship and marriage of almost 20 years.
If you think you may be smothering her, you probably are. What behaviors of yours seem to be responsible. I can only suggest that you be aware of the tendency, note when you are about to do or say something that would be smothering or controlling, and STOP yourself from going on with it.
It is far too late to do anything about her experiences before you got together; the only time you could have or should have done anything was when you had the discussion that bothers you, and you should have broken things off then. Now, you have to find a way to let this issue go, or destroy what I assume is a good relationship and marriage of almost 20 years.
Nothing says he should have broken it off in the beginning, either.
My current wife had WAY more sexual experience with WAY more partners than I. Never bothered me in the slightest. And I can't see why it should. She's a responsible, kind, intelligent woman who is good to me. She's not some sort of libertine; she just wasn't raised with a religious broomstick up her touche like I was, that's all.
To flip the script on the OP, he's concerned she's going to be unfaithful to him because she has done the unthinkable: she's had sex with other men!! I don't see how a partner having no other sexual experience is any sort of security blanket about whether or not they will "cheat" on you anyway. One has nothing to do with the other.
To make a long story short, do I ask her outright if I’m smothering her? And if so ask her if she needs space from me?
Thanks
Noooooooooo. That only seems like a way to belittle yourself and affirm your insecurities. Don't start walking down that path.
Can you turn it around in your mind, to what is the truth of the situation?
Your wife had to kiss some BUTT-UGLY frogs... and then came YOU.
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