Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This explains why you proposed after "hanging out" with Jane a bit.
She hasn't responded to your proposal, and it's been awhile. Not only that, but she's seeing Bob, while also trying to get over a breakup?
The picture doesn't look good for you, I'm afraid. It seems she's not ready to consider a proposal, for at least a couple of reasons, and it also seems like she's more interested in Bob.
How many half-baked marriage proposals are acceptable in this culture? Are you expected to just keep asking various females you meet one after another until you get a yes? Seems efficient.
The thing is, when she told me about someone else she was involved, she mentioned that she was having issues with him, but I didn't focus on this as she said that she told me that she needed some time to think about my proposal. I asked her later and she said she is not in a position to make any decisions right now and will make some decisions in the future, I told her whatever the outcome is we will remain friends. Then she started to fade me, which was a bit odd, during this time she had a breakup while having normal conversation with Bob. Week later I asked her that why are you ignoring me? even if you said No to me I would still be your friend and will respect your decision, for which she said: I am not ignoring you but I don't feel like replying to anyone (I don't know during this time Bob was having normal chats with her or not), and as far as your answer is concerned I told you I am not in a state to make decisions and I don't want you to suffer or wait for me. I thought to myself that I put pressure on her and apologized to her for bringing this thing and told her to take as much time as she needs to decide; for which she said that you have been kind to me and thank you for giving me the hope. I did told her that we should meet in the meanwhile as friends and will have normal conversation, for which she kept delaying until I stopped asking her.
I feel like, she did try to let me down easily or maybe not as her texts gave missed signal and she knew from my texts that I will be waiting for her answer which she could have clarified that she would never want to me see me as marrying her. On the other hand, Bob was my good friend but he even started to fade me, during the same time.
I feel like Jane could have made decisions and have clarified her answers, I would have respected that but fading away like this is and not giving straight answers is really terrible. Even when she met me after all this time, she could have told me that she has got back together with her ex and even that would have given me the idea, but I had to find out about this through social media.
The most hurtful part about all of this is not that she rejected me or used me as a backup plan but my friend is also drifted away from me.
She wasn't upfront with you, and she didn't (and doesn't) match your feelings. I agree with you that she could've handled all of this in a more straight forward way, and she was somewhat deceptive, and using you. Maybe not intentionally...but she was definitely taking care of her own interests first, over yours.
You are probably too good for her. You seem like a very decent person. IMO, if I were you, I would simply walk away from all this. Someone said you should formally take the proposal off the table...maybe that IS the thing to do...but, whatever...break it off with her.
She wasn't upfront with you, and she didn't (and doesn't) match your feelings. I agree with you that she could've handled all of this in a more straight forward way, and she was somewhat deceptive, and using you. Maybe not intentionally...but she was definitely taking care of her own interests first, over yours.
You are probably too good for her. You seem like a very decent person. IMO, if I were you, I would simply walk away from all this. Someone said you should formally take the proposal off the table...maybe that IS the thing to do...but, whatever...break it off with her.
I just get the overall impression that the two of you are not playing this game using the same rulebook. Or board. Or pieces.
Because what you are trying to do, and what she is doing, are not indicative of the same core cultural values. Like, at all.
Her behavior, I'm not saying it's bad or wrong or evil because I don't believe that, like she is closer to what is culturally normal in America, of dating and having various relationships that work out or don't, as opposed to your approach of proposing marriage before dating (or sex for that matter) happen... I don't want to be judgmental of your culture, either. I just feel like the two of you were never on the same page here. It strikes me as very strange that you would continue to entertain hopes of being married to her after she told you that she is in a relationship (problems or not) and knowing she is also "hanging out" with this other person, too. Unless women have a lot more freedom than men do in your culture? That doesn't strike me as very likely! Most traditional cultures do not operate that way, for sure!
I think you just had an unfortunate mismatch of expectations in the romantic behavior department. I think that you should just fade out and move on, no need to make any big declarations. If she tries to contact you as a friend later, you need to decide if you can (or want to) just be her friend with nothing romantic about it. If you can't, or don't want to, then try to kindly let her know that because the two of you saw your connection so differently, you do not think that a friendship is a good idea. Wish her the best, then block her and move on.
She wasn't upfront with you, and she didn't (and doesn't) match your feelings. I agree with you that she could've handled all of this in a more straight forward way, and she was somewhat deceptive, and using you. Maybe not intentionally...but she was definitely taking care of her own interests first, over yours.
You are probably too good for her. You seem like a very decent person. IMO, if I were you, I would simply walk away from all this. Someone said you should formally take the proposal off the table...maybe that IS the thing to do...but, whatever...break it off with her.
I AM sorry you've had to go through this.
I agree with you; she should have upfront with me in the first place. I mean in most cultures if a guy wants to hangout with you then you should have given him some sort of a hint that I am either with involved with someone so he should know his boundaries. And TBH! This is very common in my culture, and in my life I have never saw this scenario where girl don’t tell his guy friends that she is committed with someone even if its long-distance.
And thank you so much SnazzyB for your lovely remarks; You really made my day. I have so far decided to stay away from Jane as far as possible, but the thing is its really hard for me to move on from all of this, and I am trying my best to do so. Hopefully, with time things will get better.
And to all who have commented on this forum, thank you so much for your advises, May Almighty bless you all. I am really glad that I have posted here.
I just get the overall impression that the two of you are not playing this game using the same rulebook. Or board. Or pieces.
Because what you are trying to do, and what she is doing, are not indicative of the same core cultural values. Like, at all.
Her behavior, I'm not saying it's bad or wrong or evil because I don't believe that, like she is closer to what is culturally normal in America, of dating and having various relationships that work out or don't, as opposed to your approach of proposing marriage before dating (or sex for that matter) happen... I don't want to be judgmental of your culture, either. I just feel like the two of you were never on the same page here. It strikes me as very strange that you would continue to entertain hopes of being married to her after she told you that she is in a relationship (problems or not) and knowing she is also "hanging out" with this other person, too. Unless women have a lot more freedom than men do in your culture? That doesn't strike me as very likely! Most traditional cultures do not operate that way, for sure!
I think you just had an unfortunate mismatch of expectations in the romantic behavior department. I think that you should just fade out and move on, no need to make any big declarations. If she tries to contact you as a friend later, you need to decide if you can (or want to) just be her friend with nothing romantic about it. If you can't, or don't want to, then try to kindly let her know that because the two of you saw your connection so differently, you do not think that a friendship is a good idea. Wish her the best, then block her and move on.
That’s the only thing that strikes me; I saw Jane following our common religious and cultural values which is one of the things that got me thinking about her in the first place. We often talk about our daily prayers and staying away from things which are not allowed (like pre-marital sex, restricted food items etc.). We used to have great time together and I thought she is a nice person and I can see myself spending my life with her. Moreover, we are on the same program, we both have condition to go back to our home country after completing our degree.
I told Jane about my family values like women have lots of freedom (like right to work, choose their partner etc.) And even she shared about her family with me too. I don’t know why she hide her partner with me in the first place either she was confused about him too or she was just using me as her backup plan if something fails, which is completely wrong of her to do.
I suspect that she was just merely using me for her emotional support while her partner was other side of the planet; and when I tried to make it to next level she sent me misguided signals to hold me as a backup plan while she get all of her support from Bob now and make up with her ex.
Anyways, I can only hope for myself to find someone better than her and it will help me move on. Time is indeed the best healer and I hope to forget all about this one day. I don’t know what’s my future gonna hold but I am hopeful its gonna be great; and regardless of whatever happens or happened, I wish the best for her and Bob and whoever her ex is. I don’t feel like a person to hold grudges or hold hate/jealousy in my heart. Yes, it’s a natural human response and I am trying my best to fight all of this.
I agree with you; she should have upfront with me in the first place. I mean in most cultures if a guy wants to hangout with you then you should have given him some sort of a hint that I am either with involved with someone so he should know his boundaries. And TBH! This is very common in my culture, and in my life I have never saw this scenario where girl don’t tell his guy friends that she is committed with someone even if its long-distance.
And thank you so much SnazzyB for your lovely remarks; You really made my day. I have so far decided to stay away from Jane as far as possible, but the thing is its really hard for me to move on from all of this, and I am trying my best to do so. Hopefully, with time things will get better.
And to all who have commented on this forum, thank you so much for your advises, May Almighty bless you all. I am really glad that I have posted here.
Don't be a stranger.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
