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Ummm... this sounds like a 'rebound' situation, therefore it is quite possible that she may be USING him - in fact, it was alluded to by others posters in addition to myself. And weeping over an X right after being intimate WITH SOMEONE ELSE is purty 'big stuff'. Can't get the flag more scarlet than that.
The term I used is how *I* personally characterize it - and let me remind you that people's advice and opinions are influenced by their experiences and mine are no exception.
You're welcome.
If this woman is using the O.P. (and that's a rather large "if"), I don't think that it's either intentional or malicious in nature. Sometimes, after a breakup--especially if it was a long time coming and--a person feels as though they're ready to get back out there and date only to realize when it comes down to it that they're not quite ready. Other times, a person is ready for dating, but the emotions brought about by intimacy (physical and/or just having someone to really talk with) can be unexpected and powerful. I have a hunch that's where the tears came from. The wedding dress thing, though--I still cannot wrap my head around what she's thinking on that one unless she has absolutely no support system and is unable to accept the finality of selling the final vestiges of her marital dream on her own.
With only hearing the O.P.'s part, it's hard to tell just where this woman is on her own post-divorce journey. In her shoes, I wouldn't let someone corral me into a committed relationship so soon after my divorce even if I agreed to not be intimate with others, although agreeing to not even so much as entertain the notion of kissing others would be a bridge too far as it effectively would curtail seeing anyone else.
The O.P. seems like a nice enough person and not someone who would be game to use and discard a woman who he obviously cares about to a fair degree. My earlier roundabout advice to move on and perhaps come back together in the future once this woman has healed some more from her divorce and if the fates allow might be the wisest course to take.
However, as E-Twist noted, hurt can come from this very new relationship or another far further down the road. Hiding from the potential of being hurt has its benefits and downfalls. On a personal note: if my current partner had heeded some of the advice given here (and similar advice from his friends) and not been as patient as he was, we'd not be together today. Everyone's story and mileage varies.
If this woman is using the O.P. (and that's a rather large "if"), I don't think that it's either intentional or malicious in nature. Sometimes, after a breakup--especially if it was a long time coming and--a person feels as though they're ready to get back out there and date only to realize when it comes down to it that they're not quite ready. Other times, a person is ready for dating, but the emotions brought about by intimacy (physical and/or just having someone to really talk with) can be unexpected and powerful. I have a hunch that's where the tears came from. The wedding dress thing, though--I still cannot wrap my head around what she's thinking on that one unless she has absolutely no support system and is unable to accept the finality of selling the final vestiges of her marital dream on her own.
With only hearing the O.P.'s part, it's hard to tell just where this woman is on her own post-divorce journey. In her shoes, I wouldn't let someone corral me into a committed relationship so soon after my divorce even if I agreed to not be intimate with others, although agreeing to not even so much as entertain the notion of kissing others would be a bridge too far as it effectively would curtail seeing anyone else.
The O.P. seems like a nice enough person and not someone who would be game to use and discard a woman who he obviously cares about to a fair degree. My earlier roundabout advice to move on and perhaps come back together in the future once this woman has healed some more from her divorce and if the fates allow might be the wisest course to take.
However, as E-Twist noted, hurt can come from this very new relationship or another far further down the road. Hiding from the potential of being hurt has its benefits and downfalls. On a personal note: if my current partner had heeded some of the advice given here (and similar advice from his friends) and not been as patient as he was, we'd not be together today. Everyone's story and mileage varies.
Heck, I'm my husband's 4th wife. In August, we will have been married 20 years. Let me tell ya, 3 previous wives will raise some red flags. LOL
If this woman is using the O.P. (and that's a rather large "if"), I don't think that it's either intentional or malicious in nature. Sometimes, after a breakup--especially if it was a long time coming and--a person feels as though they're ready to get back out there and date only to realize when it comes down to it that they're not quite ready. Other times, a person is ready for dating, but the emotions brought about by intimacy (physical and/or just having someone to really talk with) can be unexpected and powerful. I have a hunch that's where the tears came from. The wedding dress thing, though--I still cannot wrap my head around what she's thinking on that one unless she has absolutely no support system and is unable to accept the finality of selling the final vestiges of her marital dream on her own.
With only hearing the O.P.'s part, it's hard to tell just where this woman is on her own post-divorce journey. In her shoes, I wouldn't let someone corral me into a committed relationship so soon after my divorce even if I agreed to not be intimate with others, although agreeing to not even so much as entertain the notion of kissing others would be a bridge too far as it effectively would curtail seeing anyone else.
The O.P. seems like a nice enough person and not someone who would be game to use and discard a woman who he obviously cares about to a fair degree. My earlier roundabout advice to move on and perhaps come back together in the future once this woman has healed some more from her divorce and if the fates allow might be the wisest course to take.
However, as E-Twist noted, hurt can come from this very new relationship or another far further down the road. Hiding from the potential of being hurt has its benefits and downfalls. On a personal note: if my current partner had heeded some of the advice given here (and similar advice from his friends) and not been as patient as he was, we'd not be together today. Everyone's story and mileage varies.
I don't think he would do that to her - rather, I think she will do that to him once she 'comes to' from whatever she's going through. He will have been the 'friend' who was 'there' for 'emotional' - and 'physical' - 'support' but once she's 'calmed down' and becomes 'collected' she will most likely ditch him, probably for someone similar to what she was married to. It happens.
That's my take - and, IMO, that is a fine definition of 'being used'. And that makes her selfish and totally - again, IMO - unsuitable as a potential partner.
Maybe it could help lead to a relationship between the two of them too. Intimacy is a powerful thing. You seem to equate sex with a very negative connotation. Sex is cathartic in many respects, I would encourage people to have it as often as possible.
Yes, that poster is quite the pearl-clutcher when it comes to sexuality in adults over 40 (Or as he calls it, "Doing IT.") I am not sure what his sexual background is, but it seems to be grounded in teenage ideas of "ruined" reputations, "purity," sanctity of the body, and the fear of being seen as "loose" or "used." But for most of us his age, ideas of when and with whom to have sex are driven by more pragmatic, healthy ideas about sexuality and not by what others might think.
Yes, that poster is quite the pearl-clutcher when it comes to sexuality in adults over 40 (Or as he calls it, "Doing IT.") I am not sure what his sexual background is, but it seems to be grounded in teenage ideas of "ruined" reputations, "purity," sanctity of the body, and the fear of being seen as "loose" or "used." But for most of us his age, ideas of when and with whom to have sex are driven by more pragmatic, healthy ideas about sexuality and not by what others might think.
LOL @ the passive-aggressiveness... talk about being 'teenaged'... lol.
Anyway, you purty much got it wrong, doesn't surprise me as this is what happens when you take Assumption Avenue instead of turning onto Mature Boulevard and asking me directly about it. You know, a grownup CONVERSATION???
And 'doing it'? Not my term - I prefer 'lovemaking' or 'making love' but from what I have learned during my time here is that love's got nuthin' to do with it, so we really cannot call it 'lovemaking' now, can we?
Oh, and one other thing. Referring to 'it' as 'hitting it' is simply gross, no matter the age. And hearing that from a 40+ person is all the more gross. But that's the world we're in now - a race straight to the gutter... and grinning all the way down to boot.
Heck, I'm my husband's 4th wife. In August, we will have been married 20 years. Let me tell ya, 3 previous wives will raise some red flags. LOL
Lol, indeed! Congrats on the fourth time 'round being the charm!
I've seen relationships that have started out this way turn out swimmingly in the long run; others, who seemingly did everything right and "by the book," so to speak, turn out dreadfully. Life--it's weird like that sometimes.
Having married and divorced, I can say that it is entirely possible that this woman is not "toying" with him, taking advantage of him, or using him like a sucker. I would not assume malice on her part at all. She could just be very lonely, lost, floundering, and bungling her way through healing by seeking comfort in male companionship and intimate touch. She is obviously in pain if she cried about her ex husband after having sex with the OP. This is not excusing her mistake of getting into bed with someone while she's still grieving the end of her marriage. But it is an explanation.
Does this mean the OP should hedge bets that she will come around to wanting a relationship with him?
No, not at all. In his shoes, I would break it off with her. He's not doing her or himself any favors by making ultimatums on a woman who is still very raw and fresh from her divorce and most likely doesn't have her head on straight. If anything, another perspective could be that he took advantage of a woman in a vulnerable place to get sex and is now steamrolling her to lock her into an exclusive relationship when the ink on her divorce isn't even dry yet. I am not saying he is, but I've seen it happen. I've also been pressured by men to commit to them when I made it very clear that I was not ready to or did not want that, so I am well aware that some men will ignore what a woman says in favor of their own wants. If someone, man or woman, says they are not ready for a relationship, believe them, and respect it.
Besides, wisdom dictates that we protect ourselves from being "rebounds." Her divorce was final in January, he's been seing her for two months. So it was only a few weeks since her divorce when they started dating. I don't know what anyone could reasonably expect from someone in that situation, and that goes double when the person actively weeps over their ex in your presence. If that's not a sign that she is not ready to love again, I really don't know what is.
I’m not trying to steamroll or force her into anything I set that rule because I don’t want to be hurt and feel as though I need to protect myself(I come from a family where my father was pretty openly cheated on during his marriage). I think my biggest mistake an emotional connection too quickly we spent 12 hours just driving and holding each other the weekend before in my car . I would NOT do anything to hurt this person.
I’m not trying to steamroll or force her into anything I set that rule because I don’t want to be hurt and feel as though I need to protect myself(I come from a family where my father was pretty openly cheated on during his marriage). I think my biggest mistake an emotional connection too quickly we spent 12 hours just driving and holding each other the weekend before in my car . I would NOT do anything to hurt this person.
That's great, but did she tell you she was not ready for a relationship BEFORE you slept with her? I find it odd that you have not yet answered this question. When did she tell you she was not ready for a relationship?
I’ve been dating a girl for 2 months I reallly like her(the first time I’ve really felt ready for a relationship in the 4 years I’ve been divorced) and we slept together for the first time this past weekend. The problem is she’s very fresh off her divorce and isn’t ready for a relationship, I’m the only person she’s sleeping with and I’ve made it clear that for us to even hangout it has to be that way. Am I wrong for saying that? Should I drop this person I care about or wait? Am I setting myself up for hurt?
She's "not ready for a relationship" with you. I think you are setting yourself up.
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Everyone's story and mileage varies.
But for most of us his age, ideas of when and with whom to have sex are driven by more pragmatic, healthy ideas about sexuality and not by what others might think.
