Advice urgently needed (wife, long distance, marriage, woman)
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A friend of mine is in a long distance relationship. They speak daily but see each other maybe twice a month. He’s been seeing this girl for almost two years now and I’m very concerned.
She is a 35 year old single mother of two (14 and 11) who lives at home with her parents. The father is the same for both but he also has at least 7 other kids. It’s come to light that she was sleeping with him while he was in other (serious) relationships and she herself said she got pregnant the second time to try and trap him. She works but making slightly above minimum wage and can’t afford her own place and is in a lot of debt.
My friend is a very decent guy who has a pretty good job and makes good money, I’d say somewhat above average salary. He also Owns a house with his ex wife .
Within a couple of months of seeing each other he had to mention the fact that she was never paying for anything. He has taken her on many trips (business and otherwise) and she really doesn’t contribute much. Maybe now it’s 75/25 but she is definitely not doing her share. She is constantly sending him homes (this started after 2-3 months of seeing each other) she wants in the 300,000 + range with messages like ‘we deserve this’ or ‘ we need this’ but it’s very obvious that she expects him to purchase this house. She even suggested he rent an apt halfway where she could live and he could visit her. She is also perfectly willing to leave her kids behind for this new house and new life. I feel this along with other things are major red flags but I can’t seem to convince my friend. A little background, he comes out of a 20 Year very unhappy marriage and says this girl is wonderful and she makes him happy.
Please Id like to hear some outside opinions, would you try to discourage your friend? He’s a very nice guy but also very gullible I feel.
A friend of mine is in a long distance relationship. They speak daily but see each other maybe twice a month. He’s been seeing this girl for almost two years now and I’m very concerned.
She is a 35 year old single mother of two (14 and 11) who lives at home with her parents. The father is the same for both but he also has at least 7 other kids. It’s come to light that she was sleeping with him while he was in other (serious) relationships and she herself said she got pregnant the second time to try and trap him. She works but making slightly above minimum wage and can’t afford her own place and is in a lot of debt.
My friend is a very decent guy who has a pretty good job and makes good money, I’d say somewhat above average salary. He also Owns a house with his ex wife .
Within a couple of months of seeing each other he had to mention the fact that she was never paying for anything. He has taken her on many trips (business and otherwise) and she really doesn’t contribute much. Maybe now it’s 75/25 but she is definitely not doing her share. She is constantly sending him homes (this started after 2-3 months of seeing each other) she wants in the 300,000 + range with messages like ‘we deserve this’ or ‘ we need this’ but it’s very obvious that she expects him to purchase this house. She even suggested he rent an apt halfway where she could live and he could visit her. She is also perfectly willing to leave her kids behind for this new house and new life. I feel this along with other things are major red flags but I can’t seem to convince my friend. A little background, he comes out of a 20 Year very unhappy marriage and says this girl is wonderful and she makes him happy.
Please Id like to hear some outside opinions, would you try to discourage your friend? He’s a very nice guy but also very gullible I feel.
Personally, I would stay out of it. You can say you state your opinion once or twice but after that just let it go. If they love each other, there's nothing you can do.
I would not get involved with somebody who is homeless and/or in bad financial shape.
One of the big lessons in life is to allow others to learn their life-lessons without our interference or 'help'. We do not know what lessons they have come here to learn and they would not be the person they are if they were different. Basically, you want to change your friend to someone you think they should be. The only person we can change is ourselves.
Transactional relationships are as old as time. They are not inherently bad or wrong as long as its consensual.
Unless this woman is forcing your friend to pay for stuff somehow, then he is doing it willfully and voluntarily. Its his choice. Nothing new or bizarre about a situation like this.
It may not be what you would want, but apparently he enjoys her company so much it is worth it to him.
Nobody is getting scammed or harmed here, based on the information you have given.
Your friend is an adult and as long as he is not being abused or harmed and reaching out for help or advice, then he is fine. I would definitely stay out of it unless he actually asks you for your opinion on it.
Gosh, 20 years ago, you could've been talking about me.
I was a single divorced mom of 2, living with my parents when I met my husband. He has always made more money than me, and so yeah, he paid for most of the dates.
Mind your own business. They're 2 years into this relationship. Let him handle his own business.
A friend of mine is in a long distance relationship.
...stuff
He’s a very nice guy but also very gullible I feel.
I can tell you how this will go, because I've seen all forms of this. He will eventually break up with her, and then all his friends (including you) will tell him how horrible she is, and how much of a waste of his time she is. Then they'll get back together, and eventually married.He will then remember everything that all his friends have said, and would have likely told his new wife about all of this.
But, at the end of the day... if this is your friend, then you have to do what you think is right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Billsfan
... She is also perfectly willing to leave her kids behind for this new house and new life.
Unless I am really misunderstanding this statement, these are serious red-flags for me. I don't know any semi-reasonable mother that would be willing to give up their children... nor would any decent man expect a mother to do so.
My wife and I understand that the most important thing in our lives is our children, and that they come first. E.g.... if there's a bear attacking while we're hiking in the woods... the family will briskly walk away, and I will sacrifice myself. Likewise, if I'm holding the arm of both my daughter and my wife in each hand... off the side of a cliff (God only knows how in the world I'd end up in that situation)... my wife knows that I would save my daughter over her if I knew I could only save one person. This is what parents are expected, and we both understand this.
So for a woman who's so willing to cast aside her children... I would want absolutely nothing to do with such an individual. As far as I'm concerned, she's garbage at this point... and the last thing your friend would want is a woman like this. She's obviously only concerned about herself.
To put it more clearly... if she's willing to abandon her own children, what do you think she'll do to him?
Also... when people move in together, the clock starts. Your friend will now have an obligation to her as the "breadwinner" in that situation, regardless of marital status. Be aware.. be very aware...
Like others have said, it's not really any of your business. Only thing that will happen if you start butting in is you'll lose a friend and he'll still be with her.
But I will say, when my wife and I were in a long distance relationship, and marriage, she was better off financially and bought me things. We'd be looking around a store and I'd say "I wish I had that". On her next trip to my house, she'd bought it for me. But that's not why I would say that. I always told her not to do it but always said thank you. She said that's why she bought me things. I wasn't taking her for granted. I never said "buy me that" and I always thanked her.
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