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As someone who also struggles, I recommend doing all the things you're already doing to present your best self, and do active things in an effort to meet new people... but just forget about men for the time being. Learn to be happy, fulfilled, and content with yourself as someone who is alone. Once you let go of the NEED to find a man, it may actually happen for you. I know a lot of other people have given you this same advice, but I'm speaking from experience. Granted, I'm not in a relationship right now, but when I stopped giving a f*ck... that's when guys started showing their interest. The hint of desperation is a real thing, and guys can smell it from a mile away. Just be happy with yourself. The rest will fall into place at some point.
I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. Maybe I’ll meet a kind soul who will have pity on me and clue me in, like a man who becomes a friend or something. Maybe I’ll work up the nerve to ask someone, and someone will finally tell me the truth and I can fix whatever it is I am doing wrong. But I am not going to figure it out sitting at home and not meeting anybody. My plan is to still use the apps and supplement that with social events and meetups.
TBH, I really think your best avenue to pursue is continued therapy with a new therapist. It seems your former one hasn't been able to lead you to any discernible breakthroughs, so I would definitely seek out a therapist who will be more effective.
Hello, many of you here already know my story and experiences with attempting to date and connect with men. I hear many people here, on social media, on YouTube and in real life that your self-esteem and self worth are important; that men can sniff out desperation and low self-esteem. Many also say it’s important to be your real, authentic self; don’t try to fake or put on for others you are trying to date, as they will see through this. What’s more, the opinions of others shouldn’t matter a bit. You shouldn’t even think about that or internalize the opinions of others.
My question is, what is the line between using the opinions of others as feedback and guidelines to change yourself, versus saying “screw it” and just being yourself? What if no one likes the authentic you? And don’t some aspects of self-esteem at some level come from without versus within? From compliments, good reactions from people? Maybe not all of it, but some of it does, right?
I’m having a bit of trouble fully putting what I’m trying to say into words, let me try to explain a bit further. I am reading and studying many things, and I know deep down that it is a bad idea to be dependent upon the opinions or actions of men to guide behavior and self-worth. That shouldn’t be my guiding force or motivation. But as I work on things like self-esteem and increasing feminine energy, I wonder if they’re effective and when I don’t see any noticeable changes or reactions, I think “Well this isn’t working. My feminine energy and self-esteem must not be improving. My personality and likability that I’ve been working on aren’t improving. He didn’t speak when I spoke to him, he didn’t look my way, still no increased attention.” Shouldn’t these things be reflected back at you at some level if they are improving? Shouldn’t there be external signs your hard work is paying off?
I still am not sure if I fully explained what I am trying to say. I hope my question makes sense.
I wouldn't question my personality. Instead, I would question the relationship. Do I say things that are unreasonable to him? Have I ignored suggestions he made in the past and now he has learned to ignore me? None of these things mean that there is something wrong with me, but it certainly might mean that we are not a good match.
TBH, I really think your best avenue to pursue is continued therapy with a new therapist. It seems your former one hasn't been able to lead you to any discernible breakthroughs, so I would definitely seek out a therapist who will be more effective.
I agree. And OP should show the new one all of the posts OP has made here. It is a gold mine.
Used more airily, the term femcel still highlights certain contradictions in contemporary life. There are many people who are experiencing similar, less articulated anxiety about their place in the gender order and about the pressure to locate happiness through sex and romance, which they must find through success in a marketplace. The 21st century was supposed to bring a wider range of options than this, but to many, it doesn’t appear to have. There are still winners and losers, Kay argues. She also cites the feminist philosopher Amia Srinivasan’s 2018 essay on incels, “Does Anyone Have the Right to Sex?” In it, Srinivasan wonders “how to dwell in the ambivalent place where we acknowledge that no one is obligated to desire anyone else, that no one has a right to be desired, but also that who is desired and who isn’t is a political question.” Femcels dwell in that ambivalent space all the time. Some may risk, as they say, rotting there. But others may emerge having thought more deeply than most about alternative ways of ordering their lives, of finding happiness and dignity on their own terms.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 05-13-2022 at 07:13 AM..
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