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I just want to get some feedback. I am 43 years old and have been married several times. During each marriage, I was the breadwinner (I make a very good income as a Registered Nurse working Trauma). Those marriages caused me to be almost bankrupt several times. I worked three jobs often just to support us in a quality lifestyle.
Now I have been single for 3 years, and I am not getting any younger. I don't have the energy I used to have, and work one full time job, with an occasional stint somewhere else. I have made a promise to myself to not get into a serious relationship with any man who is not at least "close" to my financial equal..which ain't asking for much, it's not like I am making the money of a Wall Street broker. Heck, even a cop making $36K a year would be acceptable as a life partner/husband.
The problem I have is that I have met some good men who have good hearts but they are unemployed or living off of a measly retirement or freelance, and are not financially stable. If it were to get serious with these certain men, it would involved dipping significantly into my paycheck. (I dont mind sharing and joint accounts, but to a degree).
I feel like I am now acting like a "gold digger", including the financial stability as a important "factor" in choosing my mate, and I hate it.
And it seems that I have a sign on my forehead that says "dirt broke cowboys, apply here!"
I just want a financially stable life, at my age. I dont want to have to worry about how I am going to help pay for his truck or mortgage, I dont want to have to worry about "what happens if I am unable to work as a nurse anymore, one day, cuz i am getting too old or start to have physical problems and my husband's income is not enough to pay the bills?"
Is that too much to ask for? Or have I turned into a gold digger?
Believe me, this is a BIG ethical issue for me. The way I think, I could tomorrow be hit by a truck and end up disabled, and unable to earn a living. Does that mean I am less deserving of a loving partner? No. My dogs love me regardless of whether I am rich or poor.
I have a good heart and feel bad that I am having to look at the practical side to looking for a mate.
Please give me some feedback or thoughs to this.
p.s. so far, i have been on quite a few dates wtih very solid men-high ranking military officers, government employees etc. just none of them have really "floated my boat", thus far. i will admit i am attracted to the country boy type, the cowboy redneck type...but gosh, there has got to be men who are like me-country redneckish but still gainfully employed lol!
p.s.s. i am not materialistic. i have always lived in very humble homes-the last home i owned was a double wide trailer on a few acres of land in the country. i dont live in McMansions or drive sports cars. I drive a 4x4 pickup truck. I dont spend money on clothes-I just wear Wranglers and boots and straw cowboy hats. My hobbies are not expensive-i fish, hunt, and go to rodeos, cutting horse and team roping events. I dont spend money on unnecessary things. I have no jewelry. I am NOT a high maintenance woman. So it would not take a rich man to make me comfortable and happy.
Last edited by NOTAM; 05-23-2008 at 11:36 AM..
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Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
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There comes a point in life where we start getting practical and realistic and as you get older some things start to become much more important because you start to feel your own vulnerability and mortality in all your bones.
I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting some security. I've worked all my life and I expect whomever is with me to pull their weight too. I don't need to live with anyone and deal with all that that means if I am not going to be better off for it and that includes financial stability. Anything can happen to any one of us on any given day and it's reassuring to know that your partner won't just pick up and leave because all of a sudden there's no one to pay the bills, including his.
Heck no....... keep looking until you come across somebody that can contribute in every which way.
BTW....my BF likes all that cowboy stuff too and he's employed!
I really believe that men and women fall into patterned behavior. Ever known someone else who keeps "attracting" the same "type" of woman / man? I have a friend like that who attracts a very specific type of woman and when he complains, I tell him he's in a pattern and that he needs to change his own behavior in order to change or break free from the pattern. It's kind of like when an abused woman keeps meeting men who are abusers, she's in a pattern. At some point, that needs to be broken.
It concerned me that you said you have been married "several times". I would think after the 2nd failed marriage you would have recognized the pattern and broken it OR maybe done something else but since you truly want to be with someone then I'd suggest talking to a therapist and find out why you keep attracting that same type of man. You obviously want to make changes to avoid this from happening again, I think a good therapy session would really open things up for you. Just a thought. As usual, just my opinion.
My hobbies are not expensive-i fish, hunt, and go to rodeos, cutting horse and team roping events.
Yikes!
Quote:
Originally Posted by bellestaroftexas
I am NOT a high maintenance woman. So it would not take a rich man to make me comfortable and happy.
Maybe this is your problem. By not being 'high maintenance' you are attracting the men from the bottom of the barrel (you may be giving them the impression that even their broke butts would be able to take of you). You would be surprised as to 'quality' of men that you will attract will go up as your outward appearance of standards goes up. I am not saying that you should were Prada or anything, but.......I am at a lost for words here....
I really believe that men and women fall into patterned behavior. Ever known someone else who keeps "attracting" the same "type" of woman / man? I have a friend like that who attracts a very specific type of woman and when he complains, I tell him he's in a pattern and that he needs to change his own behavior in order to change or break free from the pattern. It's kind of like when an abused woman keeps meeting men who are abusers, she's in a pattern. At some point, that needs to be broken.
Bellestar... don't ever "lower" your standards because you think you should. Lower standards because it's the right thing to do.
That said, I don't see anywhere in your post where you should lower your standards. You work your #$% off and you deserve what you work for!! And don't give up on guys (read: settle). I, too, am 43. I draw my pension from my military retirement, and hold a government contracting job on a military base. I work in a fairly small town in west Texas, and live in a 4 bedroom/2 bath house I own (am paying on). It's not a mansion, it's only about 1600 sqft. I like a laid back lifestyle (once I'm home, I'm home!!). If I do go out, it's for a reason, not because I feel I "have" to do something, but because I want to. I make good money for the area I live, but not a lot (between $50-$100k).
Although I am married (almost 2 years now), the reason I'm telling you this is to let you know there are guys that meet (more or less) your ideals. I was single for a while before I met my current wife, and could have dated more, but was waiting for the "right" one.
Because of my job security, financial success/stability, I owned a house, and the fact that I was breathing, there were many women who expressed interest in dating (after they found out the facts above... as I've said in many posts, I'm no head-turner). I didn't let myself get lulled into those relationships for the wrong reason. I wanted a woman who wanted to date me because they thought I was intelligent, can make them laugh, etc.
You are NO gold-digger because you work hard for your money and want to either save for your retirement, enjoy things now while you can, and splurge on things you probably deserve. In my opinion, I'd rather be alone with myself knowing I'm happy with the way I'm living, then be with someone who I ultimately know doesn't meet my path down the road.
The bottom line test for me in dating/building a relationship is... if I can see us married, retired (in whatever setting that is), at family reunions and holidays, I will date them. If I can't picture that in my head, then it's probably a dead-end relationship.
Whatever happens, take care of yourself first, there's no one else to!!
Cowboys ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold.
They'd rather give you a song than diamonds or gold.
Lonestar belt buckles and old faded levis,
And each night begins a new day.
If you don't understand him, an' he don't die young,
He'll prob'ly just ride away.
what is your "YIKES" statement in reference to cutting horses (which you put in bold? it is a fine sport of western heritage...i love watching it-it is beautiful. it is a rich man's sport...wealthy ranchers/cattlemen vs rodeo cowboys....i dont understand why your reaction to cutting horses???
Quote:
Originally Posted by K-Luv
Yikes!
Maybe this is your problem. By not being 'high maintenance' you are attracting the men from the bottom of the barrel (you may be giving them the impression that even their broke butts would be able to take of you). You would be surprised as to 'quality' of men that you will attract will go up as your outward appearance of standards goes up. I am not saying that you should were Prada or anything, but.......I am at a lost for words here....
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