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Hey everyone. I'm new here and recently met a girl at work I liked. She seems to kind of like me but as usual I get mixed signals, so I'm here for some advice. So, let's get into it - I'll make it as short as I can.
I met a girl at work, and she seemed to like me. After a couple of weeks of chatting at work (we have a chat client at work to chat amongst ourselves when needed, it's the nature of our work), she asked me to play some games at work which we play for stress relief and fun when not working. She invited me multiple times, and I reciprocated in kind, and we hung out when we could. We also work in separate offices so unless we get together during break we generally don't see much of each other, but she generally always messages me to ask about details on work (she's new) but she also asks personal questions all the time.
Anyway, I suggested we go for a walk sometimes, nothing major. She declined and said she doesn't take walks with people she does not know. That was a month ago and we got to know each other a bit better. She said she liked tennis and I suggested we go somewhere and play sometimes, outside of work. She said if I could find a place to play, she would be up for it. I found a place, and told her. She said she thought I was kidding about tennis. When I asked her if she wanted to go, she said she'll think about it. Generally, I already knew where this was going, but I gave her time. She said she'll tell me in a couple of days.
Naturally, few days later she does not bring up the subject, and neither do I because realistically, I already asked twice and I'm not going to ask again and be the chump. However, that day, we chatted as usual and she suggested we go for a walk after work (no, it wasn't me suggesting). I accepted and we went for a walk. Since she initiated the suggestion to take a walk, I asked her about the tennis thing (she said she'd think about it, and she owed me an answer), and what she thought about it, and reminded her that she said to think about it. She said she forgot, which of course was a lie.
I tell her we could go sometime. She says she doesn't want to go because she does not want someone from work to see me with her, because apparently people are scum and capable of anything. She essentially said she is afraid what someone could say about her/do to her if she was seen with me. Don't ask, I have no idea what she is on about. Women generally perceive me as attractive and my office is full of women, which I assume is a problem for her. On the other hand, I'm guessing she was just stringing me along all this time.
In any case, she initiated messaging on the chat client again today despite declining my invitation. I didn't reply much to her even when she asked about technical stuff at work - I told her to ask the higher-ups because realistically, she seems to be playing games and I'm not wasting my time, effort and energy or giving my attention to someone who seems to be playing me. She also asked a somewhat personal question and I also shut her down in that regard and didn't answer because I didn't want to play games anymore.
Usually, she says bye when she finishes her shift but she seems to have gotten the message because this time she wasn't saying bye. Not that I feel sorry or anything, because playing games is not what I'm into.
The reason I'm here talking about this is because I want to ask a question - was my reaction to this whole thing rational? Or did I react emotionally? Because I can't really decide at this point. Or is she playing hard to get or what? She declined first time when I suggested we take a walk, the she suggested herself we take a walk. Plenty of other mixed signals as well, but I don't wanna talk too much more. I typed too much for comfort already.
Anyway, am I being rational here, or am I reading her wrong, or what?
Thanks for reading guys and girls. I said I'd make it short but turned out longer than I thought, sorry!
She’s a work friend. You’ve asked her out too many times without a yes now, it’s getting awkward. Treat her the same way you would if it was a man that you weren’t romantically interested in.
Also, if you’ve been at this job longer, and won’t help her when she asks a question (just because she doesn’t want a romantic relationship), that may put you in a negative light to your superiors.
It’s not “plying games” it’s that she’s not interested in you romantically, and you aren’t getting the hint.
She’s a work friend. You’ve asked her out too many times without a yes now, it’s getting awkward. Treat her the same way you would if it was a man that you weren’t romantically interested in.
Also, if you’ve been at this job longer, and won’t help her when she asks a question (just because she doesn’t want a romantic relationship), that may put you in a negative light to your superiors.
It’s not “plying games” it’s that she’s not interested in you romantically, and you aren’t getting the hint.
Thanks for the response. As far as her asking questions is concerned - there are literally dozens of people she can ask and the superiors are also available for that even on weekends. Why ask me all the time then? She's been asking me and only me for like almost 2 months now.
I do agree it's not her problem if I got things wrong, it's mine if that is the case. But I'm not sure, hence why I am here.
Thanks for the response. As far as her asking questions is concerned - there are literally dozens of people she can ask and the superiors are also available for that even on weekends. Why ask me all the time then? She's been asking me and only me for like almost 2 months now.
I do agree it's not her problem if I got things wrong, it's mine if that is the case. But I'm not sure, hence why I am here.
Thanks.
I only help people at work if I’m not busy with my own work. Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I think they’re being lazy and just point them in the right direction of how to figure it out.
I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, but you’re really kind of teetering in dangerous territory by pursuing her any further than you have.
The best way to quit thinking about her as a romantic interest would be to find one outside of the office.
I only help people at work if I’m not busy with my own work. Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I think they’re being lazy and just point them in the right direction of how to figure it out.
I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, but you’re really kind of teetering in dangerous territory by pursuing her any further than you have.
The best way to quit thinking about her as a romantic interest would be to find one outside of the office.
I didn't "pursue" much, really. I suggested only once we take a walk and that was it. She then suggested herself that we take a walk after a couple of weeks, so I thought se had interest. I then followed up with the suggestion to play tennis. That was it. There was almost no "pursuing" happening from my side, literally just a single suggestion, and a follow-up suggestion for tennis which was justifiable since she did suggest going for a walk, which indicated some interest on her side. I literally never pushed the issue.
I already stopped thinking of her as a romantic interest, I got the hint quickly. A couple of months of chatting were mostly about work, and not me trying to pursue.
I don't agree about finding someone outside of work. We have 4 couples that met at work, 2 in long term relationships (almost 3 years), 1 met at wok and married and a fresh couple. I know plenty of people who met at work. But ok, that's not the point of the thread, thanks for your input
Hey everyone. I'm new here and recently met a girl at work I liked. She seems to kind of like me but as usual I get mixed signals, so I'm here for some advice. So, let's get into it - I'll make it as short as I can.
I met a girl at work, and she seemed to like me. After a couple of weeks of chatting at work (we have a chat client at work to chat amongst ourselves when needed, it's the nature of our work), she asked me to play some games at work which we play for stress relief and fun when not working. She invited me multiple times, and I reciprocated in kind, and we hung out when we could. We also work in separate offices so unless we get together during break we generally don't see much of each other, but she generally always messages me to ask about details on work (she's new) but she also asks personal questions all the time.
Anyway, I suggested we go for a walk sometimes, nothing major. She declined and said she doesn't take walks with people she does not know. That was a month ago and we got to know each other a bit better. She said she liked tennis and I suggested we go somewhere and play sometimes, outside of work. She said if I could find a place to play, she would be up for it. I found a place, and told her. She said she thought I was kidding about tennis. When I asked her if she wanted to go, she said she'll think about it. Generally, I already knew where this was going, but I gave her time. She said she'll tell me in a couple of days.
Naturally, few days later she does not bring up the subject, and neither do I because realistically, I already asked twice and I'm not going to ask again and be the chump. However, that day, we chatted as usual and she suggested we go for a walk after work (no, it wasn't me suggesting). I accepted and we went for a walk. Since she initiated the suggestion to take a walk, I asked her about the tennis thing (she said she'd think about it, and she owed me an answer), and what she thought about it, and reminded her that she said to think about it. She said she forgot, which of course was a lie.
I tell her we could go sometime. She says she doesn't want to go because she does not want someone from work to see me with her, because apparently people are scum and capable of anything. She essentially said she is afraid what someone could say about her/do to her if she was seen with me. Don't ask, I have no idea what she is on about. Women generally perceive me as attractive and my office is full of women, which I assume is a problem for her. On the other hand, I'm guessing she was just stringing me along all this time.
In any case, she initiated messaging on the chat client again today despite declining my invitation. I didn't reply much to her even when she asked about technical stuff at work - I told her to ask the higher-ups because realistically, she seems to be playing games and I'm not wasting my time, effort and energy or giving my attention to someone who seems to be playing me. She also asked a somewhat personal question and I also shut her down in that regard and didn't answer because I didn't want to play games anymore.
Usually, she says bye when she finishes her shift but she seems to have gotten the message because this time she wasn't saying bye. Not that I feel sorry or anything, because playing games is not what I'm into.
The reason I'm here talking about this is because I want to ask a question - was my reaction to this whole thing rational? Or did I react emotionally? Because I can't really decide at this point. Or is she playing hard to get or what? She declined first time when I suggested we take a walk, the she suggested herself we take a walk. Plenty of other mixed signals as well, but I don't wanna talk too much more. I typed too much for comfort already.
Anyway, am I being rational here, or am I reading her wrong, or what?
Thanks for reading guys and girls. I said I'd make it short but turned out longer than I thought, sorry!
She asked you to play some games at work. It wasn't an invitation to romantic overtures.
She asked you to play some games at work. It wasn't an invitation to romantic overtures.
Usually, women don't really do that and never initiate such requests, so it potentially sends a message along the lines "I'd like to get to know you.", for example. Not saying that this the case per se here, but it can be interpreted in this manner. You have to try understand this from a guy's perspective - women never make the first move (almost never) which generally leaves the impression they are not interested. When a woman does make a move like that, then it makes the opposite impression, that's all.
I didn't want a "romantic overture", nor was I thinking of it. I was simply wanting to get to know her as a person since she seemed interesting. I was not issuing invitations to s*x or whatnot.
She knows it isn't wise to date within the work place. She probably likes you (maybe just platonically, maybe a bit of attraction), but she doesn't like you well enough to screw with her job. You are not that compelling.
Women make first moves all the time. @@
Just after skimming your story I have you filed under cockwomble.
She knows it isn't wise to date within the work place. She probably likes you (maybe just platonically, maybe a bit of attraction), but she doesn't like you well enough to screw with her job. You are not that compelling.
Women make first moves all the time. @@
Just after skimming your story I have you filed under cockwomble.
I would like to have a civil discussion without resorting to personal insults, if possible.
I never said that I am that compelling, nor do I think of myself as such.
Yes, women do make first moves as well, but not the kind of first moves that men need to make. But from a male perspective again, unless the woman is approaching me first, asking for my number, planning the date, paying for it, initiating the first kiss (when appropriate) and initiating s*x (when appropriate), then she is not making the first move. She is just giving me signals that function as a green light to go ahead and make the real moves.
And yes, there are exceptions to the above, but the exception does confirm the rule, essentially.
No offense meant of course (or taken as far as I am concerned), thanks for your input regardless of a few harsh words
Yes you were rational, accommodating, and even far more civil then the circumstances warranted.
I give you much credit for redirecting her to other staff. Wise way to limit the business relationship.
Trust my opinion that woman do not forget. We can recall things said or done from ten years ago. Hopefully she doesn't forget this lesson presented to her. That a decent guy does exist .
May you continue being open to fine opportunities in life. You sound like a respectable fellow.
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