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I agree with both you and Ruthie regarding the maturity issue, and I have to wonder...
...how mature was the OP when he got married in the first place, AND how may that lack of maturity contributed to his divorce?
The OP married early. Was married most of his 20's, and said that once he divorced, he did things that he "missed out on" while in his 20's. The 'wrench' in his new lifestyle was meeting this 27 year old woman. And even though he's mentioned that he felt like he was 'ready' for a relationship, and that this woman 'ticked all his boxes', he never ONCE mentioned how he felt about her. It's all about what SHE does for HIM; how SHE makes HIM feel.
Personally, I think that it would be best if the OP broke it off with the 27 year old. Have his flings with his 20-something(s), and maybe...MAYbe in a few years, the 27 y.o. will still be available for a REAL relationship.
That is, IF he decides to grow up during that time...
If she's still available after he gets his flings out of his system, the chances are nil that she'd take him back. Really? Someone breaks up with you because they're not ready to be exclusive, then after they've spent a couple of years collecting STD's among the general population, and come back to tell you "I'm ready now! ", you welcome them into your life and your body? EEeeeewwwwwwww.
There's no formula saying when people should be "ready" to marry or "over" a divorce. And some relationships start great, then fizzle. I think that notion that he's "bored" because he won the conquest---I think that's a common phenomenon.
I was not (only) referring to OP’s (unhealthy) perception a relationship of any sort involves a chase/conquest; but his post in its entirety as well re: self-degradation, obsessive thoughts, a lack of self-worth i.e. right down to his own words (he believes) he is acting like a spoiled child and his comment it is affecting his life/relationship. He even asked for ‘home truths’ in his title, lol. If that isn’t an acknowledgement he needs help, I don’t know what is; it’s not rocket science to determine he is emotionally/psychologically distressed to write such a post. Hence I’m surprised you’d reduce it to an issue re: boredom; it’s clearly more than that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocpaul20
The key word here is 'integrity'. To do the right thing, you need to finish one relationship before starting the next.
The key is psychological wellness; one can’t do the ‘right thing’ or what is favorable to a healthy relationship (and themselves), as a whole, if they don’t know what it is/entails or don’t have self-worth, for that matter.
That said, I certainly think the OP needs to seek professional assistance/counseling of some sort; I wish them well.
I was not (only) referring to OP’s (unhealthy) perception a relationship of any sort involves a chase/conquest; but his post in its entirety as well re: self-degradation, obsessive thoughts, a lack of self-worth i.e. right down to his own words (he believes) he is acting like a spoiled child and his comment it is affecting his life/relationship. He even asked for ‘home truths’ in his title, lol. If that isn’t an acknowledgement he needs help, I don’t know what is; it’s not rocket science to determine he is emotionally/psychologically distressed to write such a post. Hence I’m surprised you’d reduce it to an issue re: boredom; it’s clearly more than that.
A married woman, who had a very large diamond ring, complained to me that her husband stopped courting her after they got married. When she asked why he said that he'd "won" her. In other words, he had set a goal---get this woman to marry me---and took steps to achieve it. That big diamond ring was part of it. And then he felt he'd earned her and he didn't need to invest further effort.
Or consider Habitat for Humanity. They build homes with needy families. One of the requirements is that the recipient put in a certain number of hours building their home as well as other homes. When you've invested something of yourself like that, it becomes more valuable to you. As a result you'll take care of it.
Contrast this with housing projects where lower income folks live. Some think because something is "free" it must be "worthless." People beat the hell out of rental cars, not their own cars.
So I think that boredom thing is powerful. It may not explain everything but it may not be a passing thing, either.
About ten years ago, I learned that my niece had joined a computer dating service. My niece is very intelligent, fluent in Spanish and passable in French and Portuguese, and was on her way to her PhD at the time at a big school. Every single person matched with her expected to have sex on the first date. They said that if the sexual chemistry wasn't there, why waste time developing a relationship? She compared notes with others and that seemed to be the trend. Maybe it makes sense of 40% of people surveyed say that marriage is obsolete anyway.
A married woman, who had a very large diamond ring, complained to me that her husband stopped courting her after they got married. When she asked why he said that he'd "won" her. In other words, he had set a goal---get this woman to marry me---and took steps to achieve it. That big diamond ring was part of it. And then he felt he'd earned her and he didn't need to invest further effort.
Dang, and you don’t agree this is an unhealthy perspective? Healthy relationships aren’t about winning, conquests or bribes; and anyone who feels they need not emotionally invest in a relationship shouldn’t be in one i.e. date casually or not at all.
Dang, and you don’t agree this is an unhealthy perspective? Healthy relationships aren’t about winning, conquests or bribes; and anyone who feels they need not emotionally invest in a relationship shouldn’t be in one i.e. date casually or not at all.
Dang, and you don’t agree this is an unhealthy perspective? Healthy relationships aren’t about winning, conquests or bribes; and anyone who feels they need not emotionally invest in a relationship shouldn’t be in one i.e. date casually or not at all.
Healthy or unhealthy, I'm saying some people have that attitude. Like I said, some things aren't my cuppa, but that doesn't give me the right to judge others for having that attitude. Maybe people should ask more questions before they marry.
Healthy or unhealthy, I'm saying some people have that attitude. Like I said, some things aren't my cuppa, but that doesn't give me the right to judge others for having that attitude.
Right, and my point is it’s an unhealthy attitude. I’m not suggesting anyone who thinks as such should be forced into a relationship; to the contrary, they become miserable with a boatload of emotional/relationship problems leading to threads such as this one.
Right, and my point is it’s an unhealthy attitude. I’m not suggesting anyone who thinks as such should be forced into a relationship; to the contrary, they become miserable with a boatload of emotional/relationship problems leading to threads such as this one.
I like to think there's a lid for every pot. I don't think of good/bad, healthy/unhealthy, right/wrong or anything...it's just whatever you want in a relationship and choosing someone compatible. If someone is shallow, he should find someone else who is the same way. Maybe they'll be content in their own fashion, fulfilling each other's expectations, whether that looks like happiness to me or not.
My brother once said to me that a marriage can survive without love, but it can't survive without respect. That's brilliant, must be from Dostoesvsky or something. When OP says she worships him and he's bored, that sounds like a lack of respect to me. I'm not pointing the finger at OP and saying "Shame on you." I'm saying she probably unwittingly caused it or helped to cause it by doing too much. Maybe she does all the cooking or all the driving or bends over backward a thousand ways.
Dr. Phil says we train people how to treat us. Giving too much and expecting too little makes the other person appreciate you less, not more. OP, you might read this to see if it's a codependent relationship.
“Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn, needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as ‘the giver,’ feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making sacrifices for — the enabler, otherwise known as ‘the taker.'
— DR. EXELBERG
I don't think of good/bad, healthy/unhealthy, right/wrong or anything...it's just whatever you want in a relationship and choosing someone compatible.
Point being, the OP is asking for the forum’s opinion i.e. ‘home truths’.
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", you welcome them into your life and your body? EEeeeewwwwwwww. 
