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I've been with my GF since March and overall it's been a pretty bumpy ride so far. We met online and hit it off quite well initially but things started to get a little tricky along the way. I am a very easy going guy that likes to take things as they come, always in a mood for jokes and I would generally describe myself as very happy with myself and as pretty well balanced. I work full time and am a DJ on the side as a passion/hobby. I love going to festivals and parties, something that is a huge part of my life.
My GF is just finishing up her master's thesis and she is not a party girl at all. She is big into the gym (as am I, albeit not as much as she is) and she hardly ever drinks and doesn't take drugs. Here comes problem number 1: I go to parties about once a month and when I go, I like to take stimulants. For me it's totally normal and I've been open about it from the start. She has been saying throughout our relationship that she accepts that I take drugs, but there have been multiple jabs at me in regards to me taking drugs. She has stated multiple times that she hopes that I will stop taking drugs at some time in the future. I am getting tired of it and feel like this is a bigger problem for her than she will admit to my face and it will not go away.
We both seem to have a rather different sense of humour. I am a person that laughs the whole day. We have so much banter at work and I would consider myself a pretty funny guy (that is of course subjective). When I tell stories that I find funny my GF barely cracks a smile. I'm a guy that doesn't take things too seriously in life (the right amount, I have a great career) and I prefer to focus on only the positive things because getting mad or upset and complaining does nothing but create negative feelings. My GF on the other hand is just a more serious person that worries a lot and is what I would describe as a little uptight/stuck up. She snaps at the smallest remarks and carries quite a lot of rage within her (at least that's my feeling). Again I don't have time for negative thoughts, because life is too short for negative nonsense.
My GF has an eating disorder where she excessively tracks her calories and has to stay active the whole time. If she doesn't do it or if something triggers her emotionally or otherwise, she can have what she calls an eating attack. She basically goes on a binge and consumes upwards of 6k calories in one sitting. It's something that I can deal with per se, but food takes up so much of her energy and attention that I feel like she finds it difficult to enjoy other things in life. I try to be as supportive as I can and give her as much stability as I possibly can. She knows she needs therapy but she doesn't want to do it.
She also has quite an issue with her self esteem even though she looks stunning. I have no problems at all with my self esteem and I really like myself and I like spending time with myself. Because my GF is so insecure it makes me lose sexual attraction because I want a confident woman in bed that knows what she has to offer. This has led to a decline in sex in recent weeks coming from my side.
But everything isn't bad of course otherwise I wouldn't be with her. My GF is very thoughtful and puts in a ton of effort in our relationship. She isn't jealous at all and gives me all the freedom in the world to go to parties (just complains about taking drugs). She is incredibly reliable and caring and is great to be around when she is balanced. But her being balances seems to be the exception rather than the rule.
I love her, I really do. But I can feel some resentment creeping in when she is being serious and so unrelaxed. I guess it's just who she is and there is nothing inherently wrong with it, but it just feels like it's not a good match for me. I know that you have to compromise in relationships but I feel like everything we do is one big compromise to accommodate for the other person.
This is more of a vent than anything else, but maybe people who have been in similar situations can share their experiences.
I appreciate any feedback.
TLDR: GF and I have different values in key aspects of life which lead to a lot of arguments and more compromise than is good for the relationship.
You are really looking forward to staying in the relationship longer? Just had a few things to get off your chest is all? Otherwise, you're good with being in a self-described bumpy relationship? That's only nine months old.
Of course, other people have been in this situation. The smart ones left. The rest who stayed are still unhappy. They trying to work out a huge list of differences.
Well...you two are fundamentally different at your cores.
Your drug use worries her, thus she deals with anxiety, and the anxiety results in an eating disorder. She's also working on her Masters, which is a serious endeavor, and likely contributing to her anxiety. And she's gaining weight do to her anxiety, and is probably aware that you're losing attraction...which is contributing to her anxiety.
I'm not piling up on you...just as a female, I feel like I see where she's coming from. You say you understand that compromises need to be made...but where? You don't want to stop the drug use, and it seems that THAT is where most of her anxiety comes from.
Maybe the kindest thing the two of you can do for each other is to go your separate ways. You just both seem so fundamentally different from each other.
Your drug use worries her, thus she deals with anxiety
These are 2 separate issues that don't cancel each other out.
But body image issues and peoples relationships with food (being addicted to it one day and trying to go on an extreme diet the next) are ubiquitous. Lots of people have them - even ones who aren't in relationships. These issues can stem all the way from childhood and teenhood; and it doesn't help that social media makes people feel worse about their bodies.
It's not fair to say that these issues suddenly happened the day that they met, when more likely, this has been an ongoing thing.
She has the right to set boundaries about drug use. But at the same time, he shouldn't assume total responsibility for her problems, and ultimately, you can't change other people. They need to take ownership of themselves and solve their own problems.
I feel like most people in this thread are going to villainize the topic creator for going to a party once a month and taking a few Adderalls. Even though they might not if he just said he likes to going out drinking 6 times a month and take a bunch of tequila shots.
Keep in mind that she's a bit younger than him, and possibly not as mature as him.. I can't speak for everyone, but for many people (including myself), I have way better confidence and feel way more secure in myself at 31 than I did at 26. I feel more comfortable in my own body than I did before. It seems like your girlfriend is dealing with self-esteem and body image issues.
The best thing you can do is communicate with her, be attentive (truly listen and understand her needs), affectionate, etc. But at the end of the day, you can't change her or assume responsibility for her problems. She has to make those changes her self.
It's been less than a year, and OP and girlfriend are fundamentally different kind of people. I'm less concerned with his social drug use than with her compulsive behaviors and resistance to therapy to deal with her anxiety. That's no way to live, and it'll bring her down, and him with her. It sucks, but you can care about someone and still not be suited for a relationship with them.
Someone who has anxiety and other mental health issues + isn't seeking help + it putting the stress on a significant other isn't a healthy combination.
My GF has had her eating disorder for years, so this isn't because of me. If anything, being with me has given her some stability and her eating bingers happen less frequently. She talks about food all the time and it plays a huge role in her life as it is a daily struggle for her, but it's just not easy being with someone who has such fundamental issues. My biggest worry is what clothes I should wear the next day. And even if there's bigger issues in my life, I just deal with them differently and don't let negativity take over. That being said, as someone pointed out earlier, I wasn't nearly as secure 4 years ago as I am now. But a relationship should be good in the moment, no? It can't be a bet on an uncertain outcome in the future and unfortunately that is what it feels like at the moment.
I need to stress that I focussed more on the negatives in our relationship. I know what the positives are and I'm weighing them up in my thought process.
And to elaborate, when I say I take drugs I'm not talking about 3g of coke in a night. I'm talking about a gram of speed at rave and a couple beers. For me that's no big issue. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs other than when I go out. I go to the gym 5 times a week, eat clean and do at least 10k steps a day, so I'd say I live a healthy lifestyle overall.
OP, you two are very different people. You don't share the same values in some important ways, and you don't click on the humor scale. Plus there's her eating disorder/emotional issues, whatever you want to call it.
Sometimes when people are dating and getting to know each other, there can be an unspoken issue (that they may not be aware of themselves) of knowing when to call it quits. Knowing when to say, "OK, this isn't a good match". That, of course, gets harder to do if the relationship was rushed into at an early stage.
OP, it's not a good match. But at least we know that one factor in why this relationship happened, and why you're still in it, is that she's hot. OP, that can be a trap. Learn from this experience. Consider taking things more slowly next time, so you can discover incompatibilities (like her disapproval of your occasional drugging) before you get physically and emotionally involved. I realize that a "stunning" woman attracts guys like moths to a flame, but try to get a grip on yourself, for your own good, so you don't go through life repeating the same errors.
Best wishes. Really, you need to find someone with whom you feel ok to be you. That's not what you have right now.
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