Coparenting dynamics are making me uncomfortable (dating, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Confused about what’s “normal” in co-parenting dynamics.
My partner spent 6 hours at Thanksgiving with his 3 kids, BM and her entire family. He never told me. The days leading up to Thanksgiving were filled with us arguing and he said he needed space. I told him how I was missing him and that he’s been quite short with me this fall. That statement made him disconnect more.. then he spends hours with his ex & her fam. I feel raw, confused, conflicted.
Is this normal behavior? Wouldn’t it confuse the kids that I’m not there or that he is? Am I selfish to feel uncomfortable? I’ve spent time doing blended family parties and holidays with my partner and his ex + her family. I’ve befriended her, and we have hung out alone. I like her and I understand some of her hardships. I’ve tried to be understanding and patient with these family dynamics for the kiddos. I felt dismissed and heartbroken from the “space” while he partied with her family. It did not sit well with me.
I am not a stepmom, I am the girlfriend. We have often discussed marriage and me becoming a stepmom. I’ve been in serious relationships before, I’ve never loved a man more. I take full responsibility for getting lost in his life. I planned our whole future in my head, the girls included (8,9,10yrs).. Should I leave this family alone? I’m attached to the girls and they love me. I don’t want to mess them up.
I’m uncomfortable with my partner spending time together with his ex without me. When it comes to the kids, of course, co-parent, set a good example.. but drinking and shooting the sh*t without telling me? It eats me up and I feel as though I’m on the sidelines at times. At the blended family parties, I feel like I’m on the outside looking at my partner with his wife. Their tangled dynamic is confusing. Hot and cold. Hate each other, then get chummy. I am 31, he is 30.. him and ex married young.
He say’s they’ll never get back together and he wants to marry me and loves me.. then pushes me away when he’s drowning in stress, work, back pain, discomfort etc. He thinks taking space was healthy and he felt “forced” to take space because I wanted him to come over to have a face to face discussion about my boundaries. He instead fought me, ghosted, say’s he loves me, then gets distant again.. then spends 6 hrs with her. He thinks spending time there was not disrespectful.
I admit I blew up on him when he requested space and shot down an attempt to talk in person. I regret my blow up. I’ve put up with so much of his family drama that I completely exploded on him. I said he was emotionally cheating and emotionally unavailable. I could’ve self regulated better and regret going off. I had had enough of feeling dismissed and disconnected. I said mean things I regret. It was a reaction to his actions and words. He throws “you’re not a parent” in my face constantly if he does something that I don’t like. I just found out I probably can’t have children from pcos. The you’re not a mom card hurts. I liked the idea of stepmom and building a life together. Now I’m scared.
The hot and cold game hurts my heart. The I love you, let’s take a break sucks. He started a new high stress job, and is stressed beyond belief with family/kid/obligations. He’s helping his mom and nieces. I have compassion.. but being a dad/busy is not an excuse to play with my heart and treat me poorly. Should I leave the man alone and let him figure it out? I drained my energy trying to encourage therapy and stress management. I’m in therapy and doing the work. I read step parents articles and research how to talk to kids so they turn out healthy and confident.
Communication has become short and only on his terms lately. I do have more free time and I acknowledge that.
I know the girls are ALWAYS first. I have never wanted to take his time away from them. They say how excited they are for me to be their stepmom. I created a future in my head that I am now grieving.
After requesting my partner to step up for our relationship, he stepped back and said he needed space. He has often emotionally supported his ex by talking to her on the phone about her boyfriend problems. I think we all need strong boundaries or I quit. He can play buddy buddy and happy family, but I can’t watch feeling like a second choice. This hurts my confidence.
My partner and ex tried to file divorce papers 3x’s this year. It was exhausting. They had been separated 3yrs. They couldn’t agree on custody, etc. I feel dumb sticking around for that. When they finally came to an agreement, they had 3 separate days to go to divorce office together. These 3 days, they went out to eat, got mimosas and he didn’t tell me. The ex invited me over the day it was final final. We spent time together the 3 of us. Then continued to hang out when he went to pick up the girls. My partner spent all day at her house on these divorce dates because “she lives close to the girls school” and he had to pick them up.. He shouldn’t be drinking and chilling with her without informing me. I could’ve been invited..? Or is that just weird? I don’t hate her, I hate how he responds to her. Couldn’t they just have gotten business done and part ways instead of shoot the sh*t all day. He could’ve run errands until school was out.
She has texted him to hang out, to move back in after her breakup and “let him still date me”.. I’m all messed up. She tells him he better marry me and treat me right. They’re all over the place. They say they’re toxic and the marriage was awful. It seems like they still enjoy attention from one another from time to time. Their body language together makes me uncomfortable. He will sit or gravitate to her instead of me in public. He say’s she was the worst and he’s glad it’s over and wants to marry me… that he feels spiritually connected to my dead dad and wants to take care of me. I believed him too. I want healthy respect and not paranoia they might get drunk and do something stupid.. These are only 4 occasions I know where they were alone.. divorce dates & Thanksgiving. My trust has diminished because he omits a lot of information. I want to know what’s going on in my partners life. He recently shut me out.
He wants to make amends, he apologized and wants to stay together. I don’t know how to tell him that spending time with ex without texting me or calling me gives me the ick. I don’t want to be called jealous or “you don’t understand because you don’t co-parent or have children.”
I feel dumb typing this. My mind is twisted.
I feel naïve and silly.
I take full responsibility for letting myself get lost in this man’s life and struggles. I don’t want to waste my prime on a family that may be better off without me. I’m so angry. I never want to blow up on someone like I did ever again. I feel starved of affection. The hot and cold attitude towards me almost feels like manipulation. My needs matter too, you can’t reap the benefits of having me in your life without reciprocated energy. I don’t want to hurt the kids either by arguing with their dad. We don’t argue in front of them, but I know it drain’s our energy fighting..energy that could be spent on the kids. But I can’t sit in silence anymore about my discomfort.
We were once really good and he’s changed to cold and snappy. I know he’s in pain because of recent diagnosis, but I’m angry and can’t get rid of the anger unless he meets me halfway. Am I selfish? I put myself in uncomfortable situations because I wanted a healthy future and family with this man. I’ve bought vacations, presents, participated in car pool and cooking for the kids.. he didn’t ask. I wanted to.
We’ve been together almost 2 years. I’m a confused hot mess. I’m still in love, but I don’t want to get played or crushed. I’m afraid my anger won’t go away unless he can really step up. Maybe he’s drowning in too much stress to date, but he say’s he wants us to work this out.. I don’t know my next step. I can voice my boundaries and he can either agree or not so I can get my peace back.
Please be easy on me, I’m sincerely confused and feeling some intense heartache.
Keep talking to your therapist. Your needs are not being met. Your BF is able to have the best of both worlds - his ex-wife and you. And it looks as if the ex-wife would go for an open relationship. The fact that you weren't invited to Thanksgiving is telling. You are the official girlfriend and supposedly are getting along with the ex. No reason to exclude you. Can you expect the same for Xmas?
Your BF is using his stress and back pain as an excuse to be upset with you. You are letting him walk all over you. He has a tumultuous relationship with his ex. He's not going to see anything wrong with having a tumultuous relationship with you. You can't force him into a healthy relationship.
Loving someone is not enough. You see the kind of person he is. Quit making excuses for him. We all have stress and back pain is common. It's not a good excuse for treating you less than. His daughters naturally come first and he needs good working relationship with the ex, but not by shutting you out and spending excessive amounts of time with the ex. His stress and back pain isn't stopping him from celebrating Thanksgiving with her and her family.
It's also possible that he is trying to break up with you. You may have been the crutch to get him through his divorce, but you aren't what he wants going forth. Just remember, if you let people walk all over you they will. I suggest you take your own timeout.
Exactly everything E-twist said is what I was thinking.
You need to detach from this man unless he is willing to set firm boundaries with the ex. Their relationship should be about co-parenting and shouldn’t have anything more to it. Co-parenting doesn’t mean hanging out all the time, giving dating advice, moving back in together, etc.
How did you not know where he was going to be on Thanksgiving? Did he lie to you and say you couldn't spend it together for another reason? Or are you just not aware of his whereabouts most of the time?
We have “find my” tracking on the iPhone. He actually spent the day after thanksgiving with her family. He invited me to his parents for thanksgiving day, but then wanted space and felt “forced” to take a break because I wanted to discuss my anger in person. I declined going to his parents on Thanksgiving because I couldn’t be fake and pretend we weren’t arguing.
The following day he went to ex’s house for her family’s Thanksgiving while he needed space from me holding him accountable. If he’s in too much pain to see me or too busy to see me, why go there? He said it was “for the kids”… but was it? He already had his family’s thanksgiving with them.
It was like he wanted the attention and connection with his exs family again because I wasn’t giving him positive attention.
I turned off my tracking. He turned his back on but defended himself for going to tge exs because of our “break”…
He wanted to track me again & I feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to obsess over where he is, and I don’t want him tracking me if he’s treating me poorly.
Confused about what’s “normal” in co-parenting dynamics.
My partner spent 6 hours at Thanksgiving with his 3 kids, BM and her entire family. He never told me. The days leading up to Thanksgiving were filled with us arguing and he said he needed space. I told him how I was missing him and that he’s been quite short with me this fall. That statement made him disconnect more.. then he spends hours with his ex & her fam. I feel raw, confused, conflicted.
Is this normal behavior? Wouldn’t it confuse the kids that I’m not there or that he is? Am I selfish to feel uncomfortable? I’ve spent time doing blended family parties and holidays with my partner and his ex + her family. I’ve befriended her, and we have hung out alone. I like her and I understand some of her hardships. I’ve tried to be understanding and patient with these family dynamics for the kiddos. I felt dismissed and heartbroken from the “space” while he partied with her family. It did not sit well with me.
I am not a stepmom, I am the girlfriend. We have often discussed marriage and me becoming a stepmom. I’ve been in serious relationships before, I’ve never loved a man more. I take full responsibility for getting lost in his life. I planned our whole future in my head, the girls included (8,9,10yrs).. Should I leave this family alone? I’m attached to the girls and they love me. I don’t want to mess them up.
I’m uncomfortable with my partner spending time together with his ex without me. When it comes to the kids, of course, co-parent, set a good example.. but drinking and shooting the sh*t without telling me? It eats me up and I feel as though I’m on the sidelines at times. At the blended family parties, I feel like I’m on the outside looking at my partner with his wife. Their tangled dynamic is confusing. Hot and cold. Hate each other, then get chummy. I am 31, he is 30.. him and ex married young.
He say’s they’ll never get back together and he wants to marry me and loves me.. then pushes me away when he’s drowning in stress, work, back pain, discomfort etc. He thinks taking space was healthy and he felt “forced” to take space because I wanted him to come over to have a face to face discussion about my boundaries. He instead fought me, ghosted, say’s he loves me, then gets distant again.. then spends 6 hrs with her. He thinks spending time there was not disrespectful.
I admit I blew up on him when he requested space and shot down an attempt to talk in person. I regret my blow up. I’ve put up with so much of his family drama that I completely exploded on him. I said he was emotionally cheating and emotionally unavailable. I could’ve self regulated better and regret going off. I had had enough of feeling dismissed and disconnected. I said mean things I regret. It was a reaction to his actions and words. He throws “you’re not a parent” in my face constantly if he does something that I don’t like. I just found out I probably can’t have children from pcos. The you’re not a mom card hurts. I liked the idea of stepmom and building a life together. Now I’m scared.
The hot and cold game hurts my heart. The I love you, let’s take a break sucks. He started a new high stress job, and is stressed beyond belief with family/kid/obligations. He’s helping his mom and nieces. I have compassion.. but being a dad/busy is not an excuse to play with my heart and treat me poorly. Should I leave the man alone and let him figure it out? I drained my energy trying to encourage therapy and stress management. I’m in therapy and doing the work. I read step parents articles and research how to talk to kids so they turn out healthy and confident.
Communication has become short and only on his terms lately. I do have more free time and I acknowledge that.
I know the girls are ALWAYS first. I have never wanted to take his time away from them. They say how excited they are for me to be their stepmom. I created a future in my head that I am now grieving.
After requesting my partner to step up for our relationship, he stepped back and said he needed space. He has often emotionally supported his ex by talking to her on the phone about her boyfriend problems. I think we all need strong boundaries or I quit. He can play buddy buddy and happy family, but I can’t watch feeling like a second choice. This hurts my confidence.
My partner and ex tried to file divorce papers 3x’s this year. It was exhausting. They had been separated 3yrs. They couldn’t agree on custody, etc. I feel dumb sticking around for that. When they finally came to an agreement, they had 3 separate days to go to divorce office together. These 3 days, they went out to eat, got mimosas and he didn’t tell me. The ex invited me over the day it was final final. We spent time together the 3 of us. Then continued to hang out when he went to pick up the girls. My partner spent all day at her house on these divorce dates because “she lives close to the girls school” and he had to pick them up.. He shouldn’t be drinking and chilling with her without informing me. I could’ve been invited..? Or is that just weird? I don’t hate her, I hate how he responds to her. Couldn’t they just have gotten business done and part ways instead of shoot the sh*t all day. He could’ve run errands until school was out.
She has texted him to hang out, to move back in after her breakup and “let him still date me”.. I’m all messed up. She tells him he better marry me and treat me right. They’re all over the place. They say they’re toxic and the marriage was awful. It seems like they still enjoy attention from one another from time to time. Their body language together makes me uncomfortable. He will sit or gravitate to her instead of me in public. He say’s she was the worst and he’s glad it’s over and wants to marry me… that he feels spiritually connected to my dead dad and wants to take care of me. I believed him too. I want healthy respect and not paranoia they might get drunk and do something stupid.. These are only 4 occasions I know where they were alone.. divorce dates & Thanksgiving. My trust has diminished because he omits a lot of information. I want to know what’s going on in my partners life. He recently shut me out.
He wants to make amends, he apologized and wants to stay together. I don’t know how to tell him that spending time with ex without texting me or calling me gives me the ick. I don’t want to be called jealous or “you don’t understand because you don’t co-parent or have children.”
I feel dumb typing this. My mind is twisted.
I feel naïve and silly.
I take full responsibility for letting myself get lost in this man’s life and struggles. I don’t want to waste my prime on a family that may be better off without me. I’m so angry. I never want to blow up on someone like I did ever again. I feel starved of affection. The hot and cold attitude towards me almost feels like manipulation. My needs matter too, you can’t reap the benefits of having me in your life without reciprocated energy. I don’t want to hurt the kids either by arguing with their dad. We don’t argue in front of them, but I know it drain’s our energy fighting..energy that could be spent on the kids. But I can’t sit in silence anymore about my discomfort.
We were once really good and he’s changed to cold and snappy. I know he’s in pain because of recent diagnosis, but I’m angry and can’t get rid of the anger unless he meets me halfway. Am I selfish? I put myself in uncomfortable situations because I wanted a healthy future and family with this man. I’ve bought vacations, presents, participated in car pool and cooking for the kids.. he didn’t ask. I wanted to.
We’ve been together almost 2 years. I’m a confused hot mess. I’m still in love, but I don’t want to get played or crushed. I’m afraid my anger won’t go away unless he can really step up. Maybe he’s drowning in too much stress to date, but he say’s he wants us to work this out.. I don’t know my next step. I can voice my boundaries and he can either agree or not so I can get my peace back.
Please be easy on me, I’m sincerely confused and feeling some intense heartache.
He certainly doesn't treat you respectfully. IMO, if he treated you respectfully, he would've respected how it looks at least, him spending all day at his ex's house, on a holiday.
It seems to me, that YOU should put some distance between the 2 of you as well. Be unavailable to him, and at least give your heart and head a chance to think CLEARLY how you want to proceed. Honestly, he seems like a lot of work...and he SHOULD be thankful to have a woman who's taken his children to heart, and even friended the ex. YOU deserve better than he's been treating you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
