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If you live in the city or suburbs, you're definitely not trying hard enough OP.
Consider volunteering for something in your area.
Consider volunteering for a convention- you don't have to like the fandom, but you should enjoying helping a convention and a fandom run.
Try to be open to meeting people on a personal level potentially too, 1-1, and maybe a bit sooner than you normally would.
If you're in a rural area, your options are more limited, but yeah.
If you're near Philly, feel free to PM me :P
She doesn't need to "slow down and settle in". It's good that she's getting out, and you should too. It's okay to make new friends. Moving to a different area could be an unsettling change for her. Sounds like it didn't take her too long to get new friends group- so if you need to move because of job or something like that, then do what you need to do. But if you're only moving because you think it would improve your social life or it's specifically to only be closer to a family you feel closer to, this might not be the best solution that you have in your head. If you want your social life to change, it's up to you to be open to try new things and take those walls down. It's okay to build to more personal things slightly and if they don't reciprocate enough, "run" to other people to build to.
I hear some people complain about this or that to me, but then when I try to build that connection with them, they peter off too much and I start "running for the hills". I had one person who was like this and we had traded numbers so that we could communicate well for convention work. But then he started to lay his personal problems with me via text and I was okay with it except that I wanted to hang out with him too. He didn't want to hang out outside of conventions. I knew he had a kid, so I said let's do things that are kid friendly or that include the whole family. The situation ended up me asking him to remove my phone number when we aren't working at conventions together, and that he can ask me for my phone number again when we do work together. I don't take dramatic texts well if I can't actually do things with the person in-person too. It's already too many texts and being online trying to meet people off of apps or doing business related things.
This might not be you, but describing this situation might be helpful to you and what you want to consider if you're trying to bond with new people too.
The question is... would you have a problem with her lifestyle if yours hadn't slowed down? Or is this a case of, you're the one who changed and now you expect her to do so, too (IOW-- which of you was the one to change the rules of the game here?)? How often did the two of you do things together pre-pandemic? (It doesn't sound like much if it seems her life hasn't changed much? So why is it a problem now?) Your social situation is unfortunate and one many people find themselves in, but it seems like you're expecting her to make it her burden as well by curbing her own social life and/or uprooting herself to move elsewhere-- where you might find the same problem anyway.
Our lives were pretty interwoven prior to the pandemic. Which is why a lot of friends and friend groups fell by the wayside. I had way more friends than she did. Some she didn't like, so we parted ways. Others had families of their own and moved on.
Can you explain to me why you think moving closer to one of our families might lead to the same isolation? Most people I know at this point in their lives have moved closer to family, either to help with children or just to be closer in general.
Your wife is socially successful and you are not. It’s your responsibility to find an acceptable outlet or two. You’re an adult. I feel you’re trying to lock her down because you’re feeling isolated. That’s unfair.
Working from home is dull. Join a gym. Play golf or other team sport. Make some effort and stop whining about it.
At the same time, the two of you need to schedule some togetherness time and go on a couple of real dates a month and several weekend mornings in bed where you focus on yourselves. That’s up to the two of you to plan together and stick with.
This is not true. I have been very socially successful, far more than she was when we first met. I was the one that pushed us to get involved with co-ed rec sports, I introduced her to my friends (that she has now inherited in some cases). However, we also used to spend a lot more time together. It's also important to note that she gets incredibly cheap flights back home because we live in a major airline hub, and her home town is the central hub of that airline. It costs about double to visit my family.
Things changed after the pandemic. For one, I work remotely. So, I talk to almost nobody most days. My family are notoriously terrible communicators. It can go months between calls if I don't make the effort to call, despite both parents being retired. Additionally, a lot of men at my age are incredibly difficult to get together. Some of them are stuck at home, dedicated to their own families. Many of my (previously) close male friends have become extremely particular, they're single, and they don't like socializing much at all. This has been a huge problem in all of this. I don't know what it is, but males seem to cocoon as they get older. It is a systemic issue that has a lot of research and literature on it.
Last edited by digitalUID; 03-28-2023 at 08:47 AM..
You are in her FRAME. I will tell you what's going to happen
. As soon as you figure out how to jump back into the social scene she will grow jealous and a new rift will start. Fellas. Take this as a lesson. Do NOT ever take your foot off the gas or enter a woman's frame. Be your own man always.
You are in her FRAME. I will tell you what's going to happen
. As soon as you figure out how to jump back into the social scene she will grow jealous and a new rift will start. Fellas. Take this as a lesson. Do NOT ever take your foot off the gas or enter a woman's frame. Be your own man always.
Yeah, a bit of that has come out. When I recently started going to Meetups, there was a moment when she started inquiring where I was off to all these evenings. I had to explain to her that I went off to the Meetup that I told her about just before I was leaving. It's almost like she didn't believe me the first time.
Yeah, a bit of that has come out. When I recently started going to Meetups, there was a moment when she started inquiring where I was off to all these evenings. I had to explain to her that I went off to the Meetup that I told her about just before I was leaving. It's almost like she didn't believe me the first time.
If you live in the city or suburbs, you're definitely not trying hard enough OP.
Consider volunteering for something in your area.
Consider volunteering for a convention- you don't have to like the fandom, but you should enjoying helping a convention and a fandom run.
Try to be open to meeting people on a personal level potentially too, 1-1, and maybe a bit sooner than you normally would.
If you're in a rural area, your options are more limited, but yeah.
If you're near Philly, feel free to PM me :P
She doesn't need to "slow down and settle in". It's good that she's getting out, and you should too. It's okay to make new friends. Moving to a different area could be an unsettling change for her. Sounds like it didn't take her too long to get new friends group- so if you need to move because of job or something like that, then do what you need to do. But if you're only moving because you think it would improve your social life or it's specifically to only be closer to a family you feel closer to, this might not be the best solution that you have in your head. If you want your social life to change, it's up to you to be open to try new things and take those walls down. It's okay to build to more personal things slightly and if they don't reciprocate enough, "run" to other people to build to.
I hear some people complain about this or that to me, but then when I try to build that connection with them, they peter off too much and I start "running for the hills". I had one person who was like this and we had traded numbers so that we could communicate well for convention work. But then he started to lay his personal problems with me via text and I was okay with it except that I wanted to hang out with him too. He didn't want to hang out outside of conventions. I knew he had a kid, so I said let's do things that are kid friendly or that include the whole family. The situation ended up me asking him to remove my phone number when we aren't working at conventions together, and that he can ask me for my phone number again when we do work together. I don't take dramatic texts well if I can't actually do things with the person in-person too. It's already too many texts and being online trying to meet people off of apps or doing business related things.
This might not be you, but describing this situation might be helpful to you and what you want to consider if you're trying to bond with new people too.
I would take you up on that, but I'm not unfortunately.
I agree with you that it's difficult to make those lasting connections. I've tried Meetups and there are far more head cases that show up to the events than not. I'm talking real creepers or socially awkward people in general. It seems like the best outcomes for me have been through co-ed or men's sports leagues. So, I'm probably going to focus my sights on that for the time being.
I would take you up on that, but I'm not unfortunately.
I agree with you that it's difficult to make those lasting connections. I've tried Meetups and there are far more head cases that show up to the events than not. I'm talking real creepers or socially awkward people in general. It seems like the best outcomes for me have been through co-ed or men's sports leagues. So, I'm probably going to focus my sights on that for the time being.
I would also suggest volunteering for any of your town's seasonal events. Festivals, parades, brunch with Santa, setting up for an Easter Egg hunt. There are all of those community outings that people enjoy participating in but there are often not enough hands to put it all together.
I would also suggest volunteering for any of your town's seasonal events. Festivals, parades, brunch with Santa, setting up for an Easter Egg hunt. There are all of those community outings that people enjoy participating in but there are often not enough hands to put it all together.
I used to volunteer at a pet shelter, and I'm considering that again. The only problem with that is that it was more about socializing with the animals than it was the people. Cleaning kennels occurred before most people arrived. So that one might not be the best option.
I am going to look at other opportunities though. Thanks!
I was thinking that in general, two people that are in happy relationships will want to do things together. At least that's how it has been with every co-worker that I came across in my career. Never met anyone where they spent more time doing things with people other than their spouse.
But if having separate social lives was how it was pre-pandemic for digitalUID (and he and his wife were both happy with that arrangement), maybe it's more about the change where she still does same while he cannot.
I'm very confused on this, too. Why, if you have a partner you liked enough to marry, are you trying to find new 'partners' for company? There is no one I would rather be around than my husband. If you are having to explain about going out, that sounds like she was around at the time. Why weren't you two focusing on spending time together? I'd be trying to figure out how to spend more time with my partner or really wondering why I was in this relationship in the first place. What are you getting out of it?
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