Flipped out on BF because of his controlling nit picking comments, is it my fault (cheating, spouse)

[ContraPagan]

Originally Posted by BoredBedBug

Wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one who felt like his comments were rude, because in my first post I honestly wasn't sure if I was just being too sensitive or if his comments would offend other people too.

Now that I know his responses would offend 90% of you too, I am more easily able to understand that it isn't just me. You have all helped me gain perspective on this and I will absolutely think long and hard about it. Especially if another argument happens. Most of the arguments are over little things that blow over within an hour and we're right back to everything being fine and loving again.

I know its not the healthiest relationship, but instead of jumping ship and saying "Adios", I am wanting to take a little bit more time to see what happens next with our compatibility. If it gets better or worse.

Why does it matter what the rest of us think? We aren't there. I'll say one thing, if I was the one dealing with him, that ish would have ended the very first time he acted out. You have to cut it off the first time, lay your boundaries, and if they do it again after one warning, you leave.

You let them know they have two choices - either cut the cr*p and start treating you with respect, or the relationship is over next time they pull that stunt.

[Hankrigby]

Originally Posted by ContraPagan

Why does it matter what the rest of us think? We aren't there. I'll say one thing, if I was the one dealing with him, that ish would have ended the very first time he acted out. You have to cut it off the first time, lay your boundaries, and if they do it again after one warning, you leave.

You let them know they have two choices - either cut the cr*p and start treating you with respect, or the relationship is over next time they pull that stunt.

I think when people ask on the web about stuff like this they're trying to determine if they're being too sensitive or if they're reaction feelings with regard to it are justified.

When she being crazy or was he out of line. I think he was out of line. It's not so much that it's important what we think. It's if you get a response that's mostly no you should have been your husband or if you get a response to that's mostly no I think he's in the wrong you don't give you a perspective on your judgment which is an important to have.

[elnina]

Originally Posted by BoredBedBug

A bunch of people on a forum telling me to leave him immediately isn't going to make me grab my phone and break up with him just like that - thats not how life works,

You came here for advice. The "bunch of people on a forum" has objective opinion that is not clouded by emotions.
Things aren't going to be better, no matter how many times he is apologizing for his behavior.
Most people would leave. If you rather stay and already made your mind, them don't ask for advice.

170+ posts and you are wasting our time.

[TashaPosh]

Originally Posted by BoredBedBug

I didn't say I was trapped nor a victim, and even though I know there are red flags with this guy, its not as cut and dry as "leave him".

You didn’t say you were trapped…you are acting trapped. But you are super intuitive to know it’s enough of a problem to keep writing about it & to say in your O.P. it crossed your boundaries. You see the red flags! You say you flipped out over it after dating a month. Have you confided in rl friends?

Ppl who are trapped don’t see the red flags or they can’t leave because their abuser has isolated them from their friends & family or they don’t have a good job to support themselves. That’s not where you are tho. You don’t even live with him. You see it but just want to say you don’t want to stop dating him. So why come here? Maybe you are just a “bored” bed bug like your name says. I don’t know…but many ppl have tried to help & the answer is super obvious, IMO.


edit:

Originally Posted by elnina

170+ posts and you are wasting our time.

ITA.

[M3 Mitch]

Originally Posted by BoredBedBug

I didn't say I was trapped nor a victim, and even though I know there are red flags with this guy, its not as cut and dry as "leave him". Emotions are involved. A bunch of people on a forum telling me to leave him immediately isn't going to make me grab my phone and break up with him just like that - thats not how life works, there's nuances and emotions and its just not that easy or realistic to just tell someone to leave him and then get angry at them for not doing so or say I have mental issues and need therapy if I don't leave him.

Obviously it probably won't work out but I am going to see in the next few weeks if things get better. I am well aware that they probably won't. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I am also very aware that if I lived with him, his snarky comments would build up, get worse and likely become more frequent. All of this is being taken into consideration.

He has since apologized a few times because I let him know when his comments are rude. I think he's starting to see the error of his ways when he acts like that, because I basically hold up a mirror to him that he has to acknowledge. I can tell he's trying to be more sensitive with me. Some of his traits (OCD, blunt, sarcastic, etc) are deeply rooted in his basic fundamental personality though.

These fundamental personality traits are quite unlikely to change. Unless this guy is bringing some GREAT things into your relationship, things that balance his glaring flaws, I can't see why you give him the time of day.

As a straight guy, ok, if I were dating a gal who was (physically) essentially a clone of Anna Nicole Smith, and she acted like your boyfriend, I would be dumping her within a couple of weeks.

But, hey, you do you.

[Ghobi]

People in these iffy situations seem to want to wait until a person really crosses an extreme line, but that takes a while.

Then after one incident it will be considered a “one off”. It usually takes many incidents but by that time, the wearing away of self respect and autonomy, isolation has taken place.

A lot of abuse victims tend to wait until something so horrible occurs to justify turning on the Great First Impression Guy or Gal.

It really messes with perceptions. A lot of people go into dates hoping for a certain thing to happen, then the date “acts like Mr. or Ms. Wonderful” and the person is so fulfilled it’s hard to believe when uncomfortable things start to happen.

They have gotten comfortable in their fairy tale and don’t want to go.

OR there’s a line of good things but then, some really unpleasant things, some lacking things one isn’t fully aware of.

Seems the only way it ends is by a very bad incident or 3. But people get very attached.

It’s only after one has lived through a bad abuse situation, they might leave at first obvious signs that something is off about the person.

OR, they think they are the one to change this person.

But that would use up their life span to attempt to achieve, and it’s not something that’s likely either.

It’s a fruitless extra job to fix a problematic person, and quite distracting from one’s life goals one would think, unless the life goal is just be in a codependent relationship.

A lot of fairy tales are just that, unhealthy codependency disguised as “ love”.

[RogueMom]

Whew boy, been there done that.

Get out before you are so wore down that you can't.

[BoredBedBug]

UPDATE

I know I'm going to get a lot of "Told you so" comments. We broke up yesterday on my birthday. This past week we had a pregnancy scare, one test said positive and the other one said negative. I scheduled an appointment at a clinic in a few days to be sure or get it taken care of. I dont want to be tied to this man at all after how he has treated me these last couple weeks especially.

He has been less and less supportive in general the last couple weeks, constantly talking down to me, but it got really bad once I told him I might be pregnant last week. He completely blamed me and said I "should have known my cycle better", how I should have not let him do "it", and his "ex wife never had this issue".

His tone was so harsh and cruel. Its like nothing I ever do is right to him. He said I need to pay at least $100 for the procedure if its true and he'll cover the rest because "its only fair that I pay for some of it" even though he knows I'm struggling financially and taking care of my elderly father alone. I told him I cant afford it but he still insists its only fair. I think he's doing it out of spite. He makes a LOT more money than me, he has 30k sitting in his bank account.

Every time I brought up a worry I had about the appointment, he would say "Stop talking about it! Nothing bad will happen. Stop it! I dont wanna get stressed out!" instead of actually comforting me.

Things came to a head last night when I was trying to lay in bed and sleep. My heart started pounding super fast and hard out of my chest, felt like I was going to have a panic attack or a heart attack from all the worry and stress lately. He knows I struggle with anxiety. I laid there for 10 mins contemplating if I should tell him because he gets so angry whenever I wake him up. I said "Can you put your hand on my chest, my heart is beating like crazy. I just want you to hold me for a second and feel my heart so I can calm down."

He said "I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" I said I'm sorry I just wanted you to put your hand on my chest for a few minutes. He was like UGH fine and did it for about a minute before he said "I'm too stimulated now. I have to go watch TV in the living room." He got out of bed and went into the other room, put on the TV and started eating cereal while I'm laying in the dark, unable to believe the situation I'm in with this guy.

I get dressed, walk out to the room, and I say "Do you just want to give me the money and I'll go to the clinic alone?" He said "Ok. Yup." and hands me $400, then says rudely, "You're paying the other $100." He grabs my sneakers from the closet, puts them in my arms in a cold unemotional manner, looks around the apartment for more of my things, I put them in my bag and I turned around and walked out.

Immediately as soon as I walked out the door, he slammed the door shut and locked it.
I drove home crying, feeling totally alone. The clinic is an hour away near his house and I have to go there by myself now. Worst birthday ever. I just hope the pill actually works.

I realize now that if I had moved in with him, it would be utter hell. I am very emotionally attached to him which was why it was so hard to leave. I kept thinking we could work things out, that they were just misunderstandings. Even driving home I was thinking, "Did I offend him by telling him I wanted to go alone and thats why he reacted that way?" But my friend said no, if he cared about you at all that interaction would have gone very differently. Seems like he just wanted me gone and to not deal with this anymore.

He hasn't texted me since I got home yesterday, the silence is weird because Ive been texting him throughout the day every day for months. Now there's absolutely nothing. I feel very alone and sad. He will probably move on to some other girl like nothing happened, he will probably bad mouth me to his entire family. And he will move to another state in a few months, where I could have moved with him, but instead I'll be staying here in the same place...depressed.

[Suburban_Guy]

Best of luck to the OP, but I don't get any vibes from the last post that this was a clean 'break up.'

If anything, I still see the OP "emotionally attached" to him (her own words).

I guarantee that thoughts of this guy will slowly start to creep back into her mind and then yet again they will hook up. And then the cycle of dysfunction will start anew.

The OP can complain that I'm being 'mean spirited,' but all I'm doing is telling the plain truth. Some people are unfortunately drawn to these types of sick and dysfunctional 'relationships' because it fulfills some need of their to have that sort of 'excitement' in their lives. It is an addiction and not as easy as one day telling the world you broke up for good and no longer want anything to do with the other person. Professional counseling and perhaps even medical intervention would be a better path if one wants to truly help themselves.

[BoredBedBug]

No I'm 1000% done with him but I dont need any of you to believe me, I know its true. This was something unforgivable to me. I am literally going through a crisis and he basically tosses me out of his apartment. That was a big life altering line that got crossed and there's no way I will go back to him. He hasn't checked up on me at all or anything so that speaks volumes to how much he cares about me.