Trust? Love? Which is it? (dating, married, guys, loyalty)
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Years ago, I read that TRUST is more important than love.
Certainly, trust seems to be a BIG THING in our relationships. Whether it's FIRST meeting someone, or decades into our marriages.
When I was years into my second marriage, I realized that I could not trust him. He would tell me things that weren't true...and when I found about his lies, he expected me to 'love him anyway'...
So, I ask you guys, how much does TRUST play a part in love?
Years ago, I read that TRUST is more important than love.
Certainly, trust seems to be a BIG THING in our relationships. Whether it's FIRST meeting someone, or decades into our marriages.
When I was years into my second marriage, I realized that I could not trust him. He would tell me things that weren't true...and when I found about his lies, he expected me to 'love him anyway'...
So, I ask you guys, how much does TRUST play a part in love?
What SAY you?
You can trust a person and not love them, and you can love a person that you can't trust. However, over a period of time, being unable to trust someone will cause severe problems and break down the love that you once had. It's sad because you tell them "you're hurting me" and it continues and over time you lose respect and once the respect is gone, the real, true feelings of love have diminished. There will be some feelings left, especially if you had children, but if you can't trust someone the love will eventually fade.
When I was dating my second husband, and things were getting serious, I had a big "flight or stay" anxiety thing going on...almost broke up with him, because in general, having been hurt a few times too many, trust didn't come easy.
But then I realized that THIS guy had not done anything to raise red flags, and this voice in my head kept asking me "Is he good to you? Is he good to your son? Does he love you?" And all the answers were "yes". So then the voice said "Then believe it and trust him." And I made the decision to trust and love him.
When I was dating my second husband, and things were getting serious, I had a big "flight or stay" anxiety thing going on...almost broke up with him, because in general, having been hurt a few times too many, trust didn't come easy.
But then I realized that THIS guy had not done anything to raise red flags, and this voice in my head kept asking me "Is he good to you? Is he good to your son? Does he love you?" And all the answers were "yes". So then the voice said "Then believe it and trust him." And I made the decision to trust and love him.
Did you do anything to test him? Like check if what he says is true, question some statements, research him, ... you know what I mean - not actually background checking him or breaking into his phone. But mentally taking notes if he gets a late night text/calls he doesn't answer/stories make no sense. There can be completely innocent reasons for this but if you are not trusting, everything seems to be suspicious even if it turns out to be harmless.
I have been driving myself crazy during some relationships where guys did weird stuff and it turned out to be nothing.
Did you do anything to test him? Like check if what he says is true, question some statements, research him, ... you know what I mean - not actually background checking him or breaking into his phone. But mentally taking notes if he gets a late night text/calls he doesn't answer/stories make no sense. There can be completely innocent reasons for this but if you are not trusting, everything seems to be suspicious even if it turns out to be harmless.
I have been driving myself crazy during some relationships where guys did weird stuff and it turned out to be nothing.
No...those things didn't happen. In a way, it was kind of the opposite. He would say things or do things that were like...filling up holes I had, that I didn't even know I had until he said or did something.
For example: My youngest is on the autistic spectrum. The 3 of us went to Six Flags one time, and had a good time.
A month or so later, my future husband and I are chatting, and he says (out of the blue) I like _______. He reminds me a lot of a best friend I had in high school."
This was a big deal to me. Other guys I have dated have said things like "He just needs a firm hand." or "That's OK Sassy, when we're married, I'll take over the discipline" or "When your kids are grown and out of the house, we'll map out our future". But THIS guy says he LIKES my son.
Of course , to me they're one and the same and equally powerful l wouldn't want either one without the other.
To me it's not really about lies in that way as such , lies are very simple stuff there's much much more to it that to me the two run as deeply as anything ever will.
lt's about feeling her love, and seeing it, knowing she'll have my back no matter what or cross any bridge,knowing bad words will not be spoken about me behind my back with friends or family, knowing we are 110% no matter what - aside from a betrayal of course but we should know too there will never be a betrayal anyway.
Knowing l can tell her anything and she me, knowing we are best friends , knowing and feeling it's all real , very very real in all the ways a real love should be and there's much much more to it but things like those are all some of the gist.
Don't think l'll ever be able to 100% trust in love , but only close is good enough.
If someone tells a lie one time do you assume that you can never believe anything they say in the future?
Does trust only mean "I don't think you would lie to me?" or "I believe the things you say?" Does it mean having faith in someone's intelligence or their good intentions? Does it mean knowing you can count on somebody to have your back or that you know that they are reliable when you need them for something important? Does it mean that you think you know everything about them, and don't think that they have any mysteries or secrets from you about their past or who they are?
Some of that? All of that? Something else entirely?
And how much of it is always about the person's behavior, as opposed to your own traumas and past life experiences, in terms of how easy or difficult it is for you to trust a person?
Given all the ways in which trust can apply...I can't say that there has ever been a person I've ever known that I trusted fully, 100%, at all times and with all things. I think that there are things I don't know, about anyone. I don't think that I can expect anyone to be fully reliable for me for any possible need or occasion. I believe that most people lie, in some ways big or small, at some point...I also don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, though.
You know what I think is important though, a way in which you need to be able to trust in order to have a good and healthy kind of love... You should trust that you are emotionally SAFE with a person. Safe from serious betrayal, safe in that they would not knowingly and willfully harm you. That they consider how you feel about things that they might do, and they care, and it's a priority. When you feel emotionally safe, you can let yourself be vulnerable, and without that, you don't have intimacy. You can have love of a sort without good emotional intimacy and feelings of safety, but it won't be the kind of love that most spouses really want to have. And it won't be healthy, and ultimately it probably won't be happy. (For instance you may feel some sort of familial bond or a kind of "love" that has its roots in obligations and history...but not a genuine "I trust you to hold my heart in your hands" kind of intimate love.)
But that brings us to love, and what love means. For some, like your second husband, Mink...love means "loyalty" and submitting to the ownership of another, giving over your rights, and sticking with them "through thick and thin" which truly translates to...no matter how you are treated. I mean, we've talked about this stuff. For some, love is about their needs being met...for some, love is about the serving of another person's needs. For some, love is about "hard work" and for some it's about joyful companionship. For some people love is about desire, for some it's about avoiding the pain and fear of loss, abandonment, or solitude. For some people there is one definition of LOVE and it's rare and precious...for some there are many kinds and it's freely given in endless abundance. To some, love unrequited was never love at all.
We have had some really good, long, in-depth conversations about the subject on this board and I don't think I've ever seen a consensus about it.
I can tell you that I love my husband. The second one, of course, the one I am with now. Do I trust him? Well... I don't believe that he would intentionally cause me emotional pain or distress. I don't think that he'd harm me on purpose. I do feel very emotionally safe with him, and I feel very comfortable being vulnerable to him. I don't fear betrayal or abandonment. I think that if I needed him in some way and he is reasonably able to accommodate my needs without harming himself, he would do it. Both of us feel comfortable relying on each other for the achievement of our goals and priorities. Do I believe that he has always told me only truths, 100% of the time? Nah. Probably not. But I don't think he's lied about anything important. Do I think he has no secrets in his life history that I don't know about? Oh, I'm pretty sure he's got some. Doesn't bother me.
But each of us knows where the other one's boundaries are. There are things he could do that would have me out the door in an instant and vice versa. We trust each other to respect those boundaries, even if they are not the same boundaries that everyone else has...because we have talked about these things, and we know what they are. We are not together "no matter what"...we are together so long as we both want to be, with no compulsion of need. The loyalty we feel for each other can only be real, not compelled. Not contracted or demanded. It has never been about his rights over me, or mine over him. Both of us have loved before...both of us will likely love again. He is not the only person I love right now, though he is the only one I love in this exact way, and I'm sure he feels the same. Is this "love?" Is it real, good, healthy, happy? I think so. He thinks so. And I guess that's all that matters, as we never really had any interest or investment in what anyone else thought about it.
Of course , to me they're one and the same and equally powerful l wouldn't want either one without the other.
To me it's not really about lies in that way as such , lies are very simple stuff there's much much more to it that to me the two run as deeply as anything ever will.
lt's about feeling her love, and seeing it, knowing she'll have my back no matter what or cross any bridge,knowing bad words will not be spoken about me behind my back with friends or family, knowing we are 110% no matter what - aside from a betrayal of course but we should know too there will never be a betrayal anyway.
Knowing l can tell her anything and she me, knowing we are best friends , knowing and feeling it's all real , very very real in all the ways a real love should be and there's much much more to it but things like those are all some of the gist.
Don't think l'll ever be able to 100% trust in love , but only close is good enough.
My late husband felt the same way about me. Or...
...at least that I SHOULD have his back, "no matter what..."
No matter if he lied to my face...no matter if he lied to others...or screamed at others (for no reason other than he suspected 'wrongdoing')
To me, if I can't trust somewhat, I can't love either...
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