Hate I let him see me upset, need to move on (dating, wife)

[NICOLEISTALL]

Was in a long distance relationship for almost 9 months. Things were going great...we spoke daily, facetimed regularly, visited each other* every month, he would buy me things, send money, etc. I would also buy him things time to time to show him he was appreciated and loved. We clicked from the moment we first spoke over the phone-- our first conversation was 4 hours and we rarely spoke less than an hour each night. I made it known in the beginning I had trust issues. I also made it clear that if at any time the relationship wasn't working for him, to keep it real with me. We are in our late 30s and no need to play games or be sneaky. We both don't have kids and both expressed that we did want one and I honestly saw myself having a family with him. Supposedly he did as well.

Fast foward to July. He started acting unusual...usual pattern changed. I had cut him off, but he begged me to stay-- said he loved me and wanted me in his life. Said he was dealing with a lot and in therapy.

During his last visit (last week), the sex was off and his energy as well. One night while he was here, I noticed he got a text from a woman. I didn't read it-- just saw her name and photo on the screen. I questioned him and he tried to lie but finally admitted to he was seeing her but tried to downplay her importance.

He got upset and immediately packed up to leave-- 1 AM in the morning and drove 6 hours home-- he acted like I did something wrong when it was him who lied.

He hasn't called to apologize which hurts and I'm ashamed I let him see me cry- I was upset that he cheated and disappointed I actually thought I had a future with him. I hate men seeing me cry because I feel it makes me weak.

I've been struggling to move past this...and I feel like my time was wasted. Why do men do this instead of being honest? And then the embarrassment of letting him see me cry and hurt has really been messing with my mind.

I don't plan on reaching out, but it would have been somewhat comforting to get an apology.

[zenklown]

Crying seems pretty appropriate in this situation, I would not beat yourself up for that.

I personally don't believe in long distance relationships.I just don't think they work. Ultimately the reason we get in a relationship is to have some one in our lives, but if you are living far away from each other, I don't think that need is really being addressed too well. So at some point someone is going to get lonely and start thinking about their options.

At some point some needs to make a choice about what is more important their relationship or their career. Nine months is a long time to try to keep a long distance relationship going.

At this point, I would be this experience in the category of lessons learned. Look for someone who lives closer to you and don't waste so much time on long distance relationships.

[E-Twist]

Why even start a long distance relationship? It's one thing if you are already in a relationship and one person has to move for a job opportunity and there's a plan in place for the other person to join them at a set time in the future, but to just say let's start a long distance relationship and expect it to work out is not very realistic.

So he saw you cry. You'll get over it. You had nine months invested, not nine years. You aren't splitting up possessions and dealing with sharing custody of children. It could be a lot worse. Your feelings are hurt, but now you see what kind of man he really is. Give yourself a couple weeks to wallow in anger and self pity, then move on. Every day will be easier to put him behind. And don't try for long distant relationships. It's not practical.

[oregonwoodsmoke]

You found out the real him fairly early in the "relationship" so not much lost and consider yourself lucky that you didn't have years of your time invested before he slipped up and you discovered that he is a cheater.

Feel sorry for yourself for a couple of weeks and then move on. I seriously suggest that you don't take him back when he appears with an apology. He's got a real life where he lives and you are the side piece for when he is in your area, He will try to patch it up so he doesn't have to make the effort to find another side piece. Most likely it is not you that he is cheating on, but a wife or long term partner in his other life.

There are honest and loving men out there and there are cheaters who have learned to copy what the loving and honest men do, so that they can trick women into thinking that they are honest and loving. They can be hard to tell apart, except that the cheaters can't keep it up for long. Your cheater slipped and you caught him. Move on and find one of the men who is genuinely an honest and loving person.

[Mink57]

Originally Posted by NICOLEISTALL

Was in a long distance relationship for almost 9 months. Things were going great...we spoke daily, facetimed regularly, visited each other* every month, he would buy me things, send money, etc. I would also buy him things time to time to show him he was appreciated and loved. We clicked from the moment we first spoke over the phone-- our first conversation was 4 hours and we rarely spoke less than an hour each night. I made it known in the beginning I had trust issues. I also made it clear that if at any time the relationship wasn't working for him, to keep it real with me. We are in our late 30s and no need to play games or be sneaky. We both don't have kids and both expressed that we did want one and I honestly saw myself having a family with him. Supposedly he did as well.

Fast foward to July. He started acting unusual...usual pattern changed. I had cut him off, but he begged me to stay-- said he loved me and wanted me in his life. Said he was dealing with a lot and in therapy.

During his last visit (last week), the sex was off and his energy as well. One night while he was here, I noticed he got a text from a woman. I didn't read it-- just saw her name and photo on the screen. I questioned him and he tried to lie but finally admitted to he was seeing her but tried to downplay her importance.

He got upset and immediately packed up to leave-- 1 AM in the morning and drove 6 hours home-- he acted like I did something wrong when it was him who lied.

He hasn't called to apologize which hurts and I'm ashamed I let him see me cry- I was upset that he cheated and disappointed I actually thought I had a future with him. I hate men seeing me cry because I feel it makes me weak.

I've been struggling to move past this...and I feel like my time was wasted. Why do men do this instead of being honest? And then the embarrassment of letting him see me cry and hurt has really been messing with my mind.

I don't plan on reaching out, but it would have been somewhat comforting to get an apology.

SLOOOOOOW down a minute...and stop beating yourself up.

Crying...as a response to having been cheated on...isn't "weak." Being cheated on HURTS. PERIOD. Male or female...gay or straight...15 years old or 95 years old.

Seriously, how do you think you were supposed to handle this...revelation? SMILE, and pretend that everything was o.k.? Heck, SOME women would have gone 'psycho' on the dude! The guy should be thankful that you ONLY cried!

And even if you cried in front of him, so WHAT?

Tears can be 'cleansing'. Kind of like, a 'release' that paves the way for what's yet to come...

You cried because you're human...which is more than I can say about HIM, given the circumstances...

[The Dissenter]

Originally Posted by NICOLEISTALL

Was in a long distance relationship for almost 9 months. Things were going great...we spoke daily, facetimed regularly, visited each other* every month, he would buy me things, send money, etc. I would also buy him things time to time to show him he was appreciated and loved. We clicked from the moment we first spoke over the phone-- our first conversation was 4 hours and we rarely spoke less than an hour each night. I made it known in the beginning I had trust issues. I also made it clear that if at any time the relationship wasn't working for him, to keep it real with me. We are in our late 30s and no need to play games or be sneaky. We both don't have kids and both expressed that we did want one and I honestly saw myself having a family with him. Supposedly he did as well.

Fast foward to July. He started acting unusual...usual pattern changed. I had cut him off, but he begged me to stay-- said he loved me and wanted me in his life. Said he was dealing with a lot and in therapy.

During his last visit (last week), the sex was off and his energy as well. One night while he was here, I noticed he got a text from a woman. I didn't read it-- just saw her name and photo on the screen. I questioned him and he tried to lie but finally admitted to he was seeing her but tried to downplay her importance.

He got upset and immediately packed up to leave-- 1 AM in the morning and drove 6 hours home-- he acted like I did something wrong when it was him who lied.

He hasn't called to apologize which hurts and I'm ashamed I let him see me cry- I was upset that he cheated and disappointed I actually thought I had a future with him. I hate men seeing me cry because I feel it makes me weak.

I've been struggling to move past this...and I feel like my time was wasted. Why do men do this instead of being honest? And then the embarrassment of letting him see me cry and hurt has really been messing with my mind.

I don't plan on reaching out, but it would have been somewhat comforting to get an apology.

You should not be embarrassed at all. You did a decent job keeping your emotions in check after finding out a shocking and heartbreaking fact where many would have taken actions to get themselves into trouble. I know it hurts to find out what he really thinks of you but this could have happened to anyone. You didn’t find this out after years of false love and having his children to deal with along him the rest of your life. Take enough time to heal and slowly move on.

[Suburban_Guy]

Based on the OP's posting history, looks like professional counseling and therapy are required.

If this is the same person as the OP's previous two threads, then even more so. Repeatedly venting on forums and not paying heed to advice does nothing to address the root cause of the dysfunction.

[Bootsamillion]

Originally Posted by NICOLEISTALL

Was in a long distance relationship for almost 9 months. Things were going great...we spoke daily, facetimed regularly, visited each other* every month, he would buy me things, send money, etc. I would also buy him things time to time to show him he was appreciated and loved. We clicked from the moment we first spoke over the phone-- our first conversation was 4 hours and we rarely spoke less than an hour each night. I made it known in the beginning I had trust issues. I also made it clear that if at any time the relationship wasn't working for him, to keep it real with me. We are in our late 30s and no need to play games or be sneaky. We both don't have kids and both expressed that we did want one and I honestly saw myself having a family with him. Supposedly he did as well.

Fast foward to July. He started acting unusual...usual pattern changed. I had cut him off, but he begged me to stay-- said he loved me and wanted me in his life. Said he was dealing with a lot and in therapy.

During his last visit (last week), the sex was off and his energy as well. One night while he was here, I noticed he got a text from a woman. I didn't read it-- just saw her name and photo on the screen. I questioned him and he tried to lie but finally admitted to he was seeing her but tried to downplay her importance.

He got upset and immediately packed up to leave-- 1 AM in the morning and drove 6 hours home-- he acted like I did something wrong when it was him who lied.

He hasn't called to apologize which hurts and I'm ashamed I let him see me cry- I was upset that he cheated and disappointed I actually thought I had a future with him. I hate men seeing me cry because I feel it makes me weak.

I've been struggling to move past this...and I feel like my time was wasted. Why do men do this instead of being honest? And then the embarrassment of letting him see me cry and hurt has really been messing with my mind.

I don't plan on reaching out, but it would have been somewhat comforting to get an apology.

You should not feel bad that he saw you cry. He hurt you and that only confirmed that you care. You are right in thinking that you should not contact him again. He left mad because he is gaslighting you into thinking it was all "you". This guy was not faithful and honest to you. He was not who you thought and wanted him to be. That being said, you should hold your head up high, accept the fact that he is NOT what you need in your life and be proud that you sent him packing.

He will most likely try to contact you at some point, and that is when you will not reply (don't block him, that sends a message to his brain that he must have gotten to you.) Ignore him. That is the best medicine. You can bet that the other woman is just a victim like you are, he was with you when she texted him and had no clue that you two were a couple. He is a player and he will hurt her too. Maybe at some point in his life he will realize what he's done and change his ways. I hope so for his own sake.

Be proud that you can walk away with no drama. Just move on. You dodged a great big silver bullet!

If I were you, since you have trust issues, I would try to date in my area and not try to carry on a long distance thing. They rarely work out. Good luck.

[NICOLEISTALL]

I actually was in therapy. But unfortunately as careful as I was and looked for any red flags in the beginning, I was still hurt. As far as referencing my previous posts, those were years ago and I did cut the person off and took a long break from dating and dealing with men period. This relationship was unexpected.

[Mink57]

Originally Posted by NICOLEISTALL

I actually was in therapy. But unfortunately as careful as I was and looked for any red flags in the beginning, I was still hurt.

Happens to the best of us. Even happens to therapists, who we would think 'know the "signs"'.

As far as referencing my previous posts, those were years ago and I did cut the person off and took a long break from dating and dealing with men period. This relationship was unexpected.

There's nothing...and I mean NOTHING anyone can do, to make sure their dating life is perfect. There's going to be fun...heartbreak...confusion...illumination...even in the best of relationships. We cannot predict our potential partners habits, likes, dislikes, beliefs in ALL phases of life. At least, not in ALL circumstances...

Getting hurt like you did, SUX. But the best we can do, is to learn from it, and...

...move on. That doesn't mean 'don't cry'. By all means, cry. Throw that pillow. Scream in your apartment. Yell at the wall, and tell the wall what you feel through your tears. Scratch down a journal...take HOURS if you need to.

Then, one day you'll wake up...use the bathroom. And as you're stepping into the shower, you realize, "Hey! Today I woke up and didn't think about 'him' right away!"

Progress...