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My parents love me unconditionally, but are conservative Christians - even 10 years after I came out of the closet to them, they still haven't come around on this issue. Somehow we've managed to maintain a close relationship all these years, and I organize and pay for our family vacations every other year.
We live on opposite sides of the country, so I usually go visit them at least once a year every Christmas. But they refuse to spend any time with my boyfriend for fear of being seen as endorsing our relationship, so last year I spent Christmas with my boyfriend's family instead. The understanding is that I'll visit my parents every 2nd Christmas moving forward, provided that I see them at least one other time on the years that I'm not seeing them for Christmas.
My boyfriend says that the 50/50 split is only fair if my parents allowed us to visit them as a couple rather than just me alone. He thinks I should visit my parents only every 3rd Christmas to incentivize them to end this needless imposition. On one hand I already visited them briefly on a July trip with friends and they visited me in May already, so 3 times this year might be a bit much, but skipping 2 Christmases might be a bit harsh considering I barely spent any time with my brother's new baby in July. Thoughts?
This can go on and on until somebody nips it in the bud. Tell your parents that you are in a relationship and if they can't accept your boyfriend and treat him like they would a "girlfriend" of yours, then that is just not fair to your boyfriend.
I would tell Mom and Dad that you both come, or you go somewhere else. If they want to play ugly, play back. They will either accept your bf and have nice visits, or there will be no visits.
You are enabling them to hurt you. You are enabling them to continue to hurt your boyfriend. You are enabling them to be self righteous and controlling. You are the ONLY one that can stop this behavior and I would do it if I were you. Sooner or later your boyfriend is going to grow very tired and resentful of you and your family and he will leave you. Family is what life is all about, and if you can't all be family then find a family that accepts you for YOU and your friend, and your relationship.
He did say though, that he has a close and loving relationship with his parents. I think it's misguided to tell OP to dump his parents. Seems kinda like cutting your nose off to spite your face.
Even if his current relationship were not to work out - it's any boyfriend. Any romantic partner including a husband.
I'm not telling him to dump his parents but I am saying he will need to stand up to them. My advice is to tell them that if bf isn't welcome, then he will be spending Christmas (or any other major holiday elsewhere). That bf will be going on family vacations from now on and if he's not treated civilly, they should plan their own separate vacation.
I personally, would not even visit them every third Christmas, they cannot accept you for who you are, yet they still let you pay for their vacation every year...how convenient. I'm someone who is very close to my parents, but I would not put up with the way they are treating you, sorry.
Even if his current relationship were not to work out - it's any boyfriend. Any romantic partner including a husband.
I'm not telling him to dump his parents but I am saying he will need to stand up to them. My advice is to tell them that if bf isn't welcome, then he will be spending Christmas (or any other major holiday elsewhere). That bf will be going on family vacations from now on and if he's not treated civilly, they should plan their own separate vacation.
He did say though, that he has a close and loving relationship with his parents. I think it's misguided to tell OP to dump his parents. Seems kinda like cutting your nose off to spite your face.
He said there's a close loving relationship with his parents but is there really?
By rejecting his boyfriend they're rejecting him. And telling him that he is not allowed to be around the person he loves the most. Because it makes them feel uncomfortable so their son's happiness is worth less than their comfort.
If they will only tolerate him without his boyfriend they don't really care about him.
These parents need to get over it with their bigotry. And I would say it's their problem to deal with not the op.
Very true! Most people on here are scorch the earth types, likely due to their own traumatic experiences. But everyone has their own priorities and distinct situations.
As to the person wondering if folks would feel the same if it was a heterosexual relationship, I would. Partners have a say in our lives, but when it comes to connection with our families and other friends, only we can decide how that plays out and partners need to respect that. I am not saying OP’s boyfriend is like this, but these characteristics of isolating someone from those they love could also be a sign of abusive tendencies. That’s why I wouldn’t tolerate a partner meddling in my other relationships unless those other relationships were toxic and bad for me.
I would agree with this isolating the son from his partner is an indication of an abusive relationship with his parents.
I understand your boyfriend’s feelings but if you otherwise have a good relationship with your family despite their views, I wouldn’t damage that relationship over a boyfriend. Maybe not even over a husband. At the end of the day I think you should approach your family in whatever way you feel comfortable with - I wouldn’t let my significant other influence that too much. Think about it from the opposite perspective- you spend 95% of your time with your boyfriend. I think it’s reasonable to spend the other 5% with family, even if it isn’t with your boyfriend. Every other Christmas seems fair to me. Unless your family is really toxic, I think they win over a significant other, especially a boyfriend.
Good luck!
What makes you think this is a good relationship with a parent? If they don't accept you they don't love you.
If they love you they'll tolerate being a little weirded out and having to explain to their Church buddies that their sons in a homosexual relationship. Family is important but they need to love you.
What makes you think this is a good relationship with a parent? If they don't accept you they don't love you.
If they love you they'll tolerate being a little weirded out and having to explain to their Church buddies that their sons in a homosexual relationship. Family is important but they need to love you.
I think it is a good relationship because the OP thinks it is. He feels loved by his parents and describes the relationship as close. It’s the boyfriend who seems to be putting the pressure on OP to make changes. It doesn’t seem to be coming from the OP. I get the boyfriend’s frustration but he shouldn’t be meddling in OP’s relationship with his parents. People have different relationships, tolerances, etc. and I don’t think we can judge and I don’t think we should try to separate our partners from people they love, regardless of how we view it. Again unless it is harmful and this doesn’t seem to be that way. I don’t think the only way there can be love is through total acceptance of the other person. Loving relationships can transcend differences as it is in OP’s case. Just think of all the heinous criminals out there whose parents still love them. Do these parents agree with what their kids did? Not typically. But the love is still there.
The bottom line is that the OP wants to be around his parents and family. And to me the boyfriend doesn’t have the right to meddle in that too much. 50/50 sounds fair to me. This every 3 years to tey to force the parents to change their minds will only hurt the relationship between OP and his family, which isn’t what he wants.
If OP was on here saying he wanted to do this and asking how to force his parents’ hand or get then to change, fine. No issue here. But this sounds more like the boyfriend feeling rejected and not being able to handle it. Boyfriend should focus on the positive - that he has this presumably wonderful guy in his life. Why so much desire for the rest of OP’s family to accept him into it?
I would agree with this isolating the son from his partner is an indication of an abusive relationship with his parents.
I think the difference here is that it doesn’t sound like the parents are trying to force OP not to be with his boyfriend. They’re merely saying don’t bring him home with you on the once a year that we see you. As to the money thing, not enough info on that but I feel the same. If OP is ok with it, then that’s all that matters.
My boyfriend says that the 50/50 split is only fair if my parents allowed us to visit them as a couple rather than just me alone. He thinks I should visit my parents only every 3rd Christmas to incentivize them to end this needless imposition. On one hand I already visited them briefly on a July trip with friends and they visited me in May already, so 3 times this year might be a bit much, but skipping 2 Christmases might be a bit harsh considering I barely spent any time with my brother's new baby in July. Thoughts?
I know your boyfriend is in the middle of this too, but with him telling you to cut back more on the visits with your parents, then, later cut out even more visits, might turn things in the wrong direction with your parents. Might get to where you don't see each other at all any more. Then, if something happens with you and your boyfriend and you split up. Then you're going to be without parents too. If you have to visit without him, do it. Don't know how old you are or your parents, but just remember, they're not going to be around forever.
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