His sister messaged him at Midnight implying that we had STD (dating, boyfriend)

[Lycheepeel]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 20 months. Both we are 38. His married older sister still controls him without respect. Please see the screenshot at the bottom of the post:

Yes, she messaged him at 12:14 AM:"I bet you're at XXX's(my place). You could so get herpes. You could already have herpes. Just remember, 1 in 6 people have it, and 90% of carriers haven't been diagnosed. I don't like those odds."

This is just one of the examples that she has been trying to involve in our relationship. She did many things such as:

Calling my boyfriend while he was spending time with me during the weekend, yelling at him because he was not at her mothers' house to fix the broken floor/bathroom/AC etc (The sister plans to live in that house in the future. My boyfriend is required to fix the house for free).

Telling my boyfriend not to see me for a few weeks while she was about to give birth, so he could always be ready to take her to hospital (while she has a functional husband).

She is 40 years old but has never ever had a job in her life. She is very frugal, anything broken from her own house she expects my boyfriend to check/fix for her for free. And she gets upset if my boyfriend is with me and ignores her request.

She uses religious values to tell my boyfriend how wrong it is to have sex before marriage, while herself is not that religious: she never goes to church on Sunday. Certainly, she never had any religious activities such as missionary trips etc.

Both my boyfriend and I are actually sexually conservative. The first time a man ever saw my privates (yes, visually saw) was when I was 27 and after an engagement party. My boyfriend kept his virginity until he was turning 37. Neither of us ever had sex without a serious relationship. Without any evidence, after we had been dating for 20 months, his sister still messaged him in the middle of the might implying he could catch herpes from me, ruin our happiness during the weekend.

You might ask why my boyfriend is not blocking her. That's because his mother is 80+ years old and the sister takes her to visit doctors sometimes while my boyfriend is at work. There are emergency situations that require my boyfriend to keep communication with the sister.

My boyfriend would try to stand up for our relationship and argue with her, but she would argue back even more until she drains all our energy. Both my boyfriend and I work full time and she has no job. We really do not have so much energy to deal with her.

Because she is not actually causing life-threatening issues, and she does not physically abuse or confine my boyfriend at home so I don't think calling 911 would work. I plan to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, but I am not sure they have more urgent cases to solve and put my cases as lower priority.

Even though we are not in danger, we emotionally suffered a lot from the sister's verbal harassment. I don't think she has the right to tell her 38 years old brother what to do. I think our happiness deserves to be respected. And she deserves to get a lesson for her behavior.

Is there any suggestion to help us deal with a situation like this? I really appreciate it.


P.S.
I am the OP of the post "Is it risky to be serious with a Mom's boy who is extremely frugal?". I posted it on 01-13-2023 here and received many suggestions. It was helpful because the comments helped my boyfriend to realize his issue and he started contributing to our relationship.

I think my boyfriend is a good person. Unfortunately, he grew up within a very unhealthy family, and the family members took it as granted to control him. He never got a chance to learn how to be an adult and what to do in a serious relationship. But I am happy to see he is willing to learn.

This is the link for the post.

https://www.city-data.com/forum/rela...extremely.html

This is the screenshot from the sister:

[Suburban_Guy]

Move on.

[TheShadow]

You don't have a future sister-in-law problem, you have a boyfriend problem. He's a GROWN MAN. He should be able to tell his sister where to get off with her harassment, and she's being inappropriate, and if she wants his help with mom ever again, then she'd better learn some manners. He should also tell her to fix her own household problems, and that her husband is capable of taking her to the hospital when she goes into labor and fixing up their own home. He needs to grow up and act like a man and not be bullied by his witch of a sister.

If he can't handle this now and make it end, don't marry into this mess or you'll be dealing with it for the rest of your life.

[RubyandPearl]

Originally Posted by TheShadow

You don't have a future sister-in-law problem, you have a boyfriend problem. He's a GROWN MAN. He should be able to tell his sister where to get off with her harassment, and she's being inappropriate, and if she wants his help with mom ever again, then she'd better learn some manners. He should also tell her to fix her own household problems, and that her husband is capable of taking her to the hospital when she goes into labor and fixing up their own home. He needs to grow up and act like a man and not be bullied by his witch of a sister.

If he can't handle this now and make it end, don't marry into this mess or you'll be dealing with it for the rest of your life.

Yes, that's what he should do but I don't recommend he actually do it. People with inappropriate behavior patterns over a lifetime don't change. Okay, maybe occasionally but only if they want to, and they rarely want to bc they don't think anything about them needs to change. They're perfect as they are, it's everyone else who's at fault.

My MIL was like that, she wanted my husband to do something he didn't want to do and was not her place to suggest or request. She pushed until he told her in no uncertain terms it was never going to happen. She went scorched earth on him, his own mother, in every way possible. Her legacy is a trail of broken relationships and family members who no longer speak to each other.

OP, this is your boyfriend's family, it's who he comes with. It's unlikely to change but might possibly get worse if you two marry. It's possible your boyfriend may cut ties with his sister after his mother's passing. It's up to you to decide if you can live with this.

How did he respond to the herpes text? Or did he respond at all?

[oregonwoodsmoke]

Relationships come with families. If you can't tolerate the family and how it interacts, then either keep that really casual with no long term expectations, or move on.

[D217]

I bet the sister has herpes..