I keep letting men break up with me even when I knew I should've been the first one to walk away.
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You do it because you want to. It serves some purpose.
Maybe someone told you breaking up is being cruel, a quitter, disloyal etc. and these are the worst things to be, or women shouldn’t be aggressive and demand things, or you have trouble with conflict and asserting yourself in general.
But every inaction is a choice that you made for some reason that served something.
What was it you got out of it?
Maybe you practiced avoidance to deal with paralyzing fear. So then in therapy they might suggest how to deal with fear in a different way or a healthier way.
If you don't like yourself much you're going to attract people who reinforce that feeling about yourself. If you feel that you're a person worthy of love and respect you will accept nothing less and cut out those who do not. Letting others control where the relationship is going all the time is lazy. Allowing an unfulfilling relationship to continue long past it's natural expiration date reinforces those negative feelings about yourself so you don't have to take responsibility when it doesn't work out.
You need some therapy so you can take back the control you've freely given away.
I realize now that I have a bad habit of not being the first one to say goodbye in a relationship even when I know it no longer serves a purpose, find out we're not compatible, or even when they are disrespectful.
Often times I'll wait until they walk out of me, or wait until they do something very obviously wrong in the public eye like cheating. I realize now that out of all my exes, there was only one exbf that I ended things with first. And even with him, I gave him so many chances he did not deserve. Part of it is the guilt of letting them go without giving my all in a relationship.
There was a guy I recently met, and we were on complete opposite spectrums. There was barely anything positive he could offer me, except we both wanted sex. I tried to end it when he wasn't returning my calls, only to continue the situationship when he called me back finally and he pretty much convinced me to stay. Then as soon as he got what he wanted, he told me he didn't want a relationship. I knew we weren't going to work out from the first date, and I told him so, but I didn't block his number like I knew I should've. Instead, I let him "break up" with me. I was tearful when I tried to break up with him the first time. It hurt sending that text of goodbye. But it didn't hurt as much when he broke up with me. It hurt that he didn't want a relationship with me (because as bad as he was for me, I still wanted him to want me), but at the same time, it made me feel better because I didn't feel as guilty knowing he didn't want a relationship anyway. But I let a guy who was totally wrong for me break up with me. Each time.
Even I was afraid to end things with my ex-husband who was very abusive. This one was more complicated, but instead of getting out, I instead daydreamed about him getting killed or that he'd cheat on me because that would've been easier to leave him. At that time though, I did not realize I was being abused and this one took me longer to gather the courage to leave.
Two other exes - I knew we weren't going to work out in the long run, but I didn’t end things even though part of me knew I should've. Instead I did something that made them questioned the relationship, and so they finally ended up breaking up with me. They always thought they were the ones breaking up with me, but I knew I was doing it on purpose to make it look that way and just didn't want to look like the bad person. I think both of these relationships could've ended up better if I had been honest and walked away with the truth and dignity. We also wouldn't have been stuck in relationships that weren't serving any good purposes anymore.
I don't know why I do this. Is it a lack of self esteem and self respect? I thought I was getting better at giving myself self respect, but no, I just let a guy I should've never gone out with break up with me a few days ago. Is this something I need to discuss with a therapist about instead? Sometimes the internet can be better therapy, so that's why I'm here.
How does breaking up with someone you KNOW isn't right for you, make you the "bad" person?
Instead, you'd rather manipulate the situation...which is what kinda makes you the bad guy anyway.
I realize now that I have a bad habit of not being the first one to say goodbye in a relationship even when I know it no longer serves a purpose, find out we're not compatible, or even when they are disrespectful.
Often times I'll wait until they walk out of me, or wait until they do something very obviously wrong in the public eye like cheating. I realize now that out of all my exes, there was only one exbf that I ended things with first. And even with him, I gave him so many chances he did not deserve. Part of it is the guilt of letting them go without giving my all in a relationship.
There was a guy I recently met, and we were on complete opposite spectrums. There was barely anything positive he could offer me, except we both wanted sex. I tried to end it when he wasn't returning my calls, only to continue the situationship when he called me back finally and he pretty much convinced me to stay. Then as soon as he got what he wanted, he told me he didn't want a relationship. I knew we weren't going to work out from the first date, and I told him so, but I didn't block his number like I knew I should've. Instead, I let him "break up" with me. I was tearful when I tried to break up with him the first time. It hurt sending that text of goodbye. But it didn't hurt as much when he broke up with me. It hurt that he didn't want a relationship with me (because as bad as he was for me, I still wanted him to want me), but at the same time, it made me feel better because I didn't feel as guilty knowing he didn't want a relationship anyway. But I let a guy who was totally wrong for me break up with me. Each time.
Even I was afraid to end things with my ex-husband who was very abusive. This one was more complicated, but instead of getting out, I instead daydreamed about him getting killed or that he'd cheat on me because that would've been easier to leave him. At that time though, I did not realize I was being abused and this one took me longer to gather the courage to leave.
Two other exes - I knew we weren't going to work out in the long run, but I didn’t end things even though part of me knew I should've. Instead I did something that made them questioned the relationship, and so they finally ended up breaking up with me. They always thought they were the ones breaking up with me, but I knew I was doing it on purpose to make it look that way and just didn't want to look like the bad person. I think both of these relationships could've ended up better if I had been honest and walked away with the truth and dignity. We also wouldn't have been stuck in relationships that weren't serving any good purposes anymore.
I don't know why I do this. Is it a lack of self esteem and self respect? I thought I was getting better at giving myself self respect, but no, I just let a guy I should've never gone out with break up with me a few days ago. Is this something I need to discuss with a therapist about instead? Sometimes the internet can be better therapy, so that's why I'm here.
But I let a guy who was totally wrong for me break up with me. Each time.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe he noticed you weren't compatible or that you were totally and completely codependent? Did it ever occur to you that maybe YOU were the problem here? You played a very big part in all of this chaos and you need to learn how to identify your own behavioral problems so that you can get help.
You are extremely codependent. You are suffering from separation anxiety, not a real heartbreak. You have rejection and abandonment issues which lead to all of the problems you mentioned.
A very wise man once told me, there are 2 things in life.
1) things you can do something about
2) things you can't
The obvious here is that you CAN do something about it. Let go of the things you can't.
Also remember that things are NEVER as good OR AS BAD as you think.
If you can get an appointment with a therapist and learn how you became the way you are, then you can take steps to fix it, and your life will be so much better. You can and will be happy, but YOU have to put forth the effort. If you don't, you will never get out of this pattern of behavior.
I know it hurts, but separation anxiety goes away FAR more quickly than a heartache. You can't have a true heartache unless you truly loved these men that you didn't want to be with anyway. Don't waste good years of your life, you really need to go see a therapist and let someone help you change. Then things like this won't happen because you won't allow yourself to date or be interested in anyone that doesn't treat you with respect. Learn to be happy with YOU and things will work out.
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