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Since becoming a widow over 10 years ago, I have had a few relationships. In each of these relationships, I thought I found a good man to spend the rest of my life with even though I still love and miss my husband, every single day, however, ultimately, each of these relationships I ended up really disappointed and hurt to the point where I had a walk away. This just happened too many times and the last relationship. I broke up six months ago after being together for two years. This also was the most painful break up for me.
I decided to leave the area for several months and be near my family since I could work remotely, I have done that now for five months and I’m very lonely. I did try to meet some new people here, but I have found that I have no energy to invest in any new relationships.
This is very unlike me since I always have a lot of energy in general and have not had a problem in the past moving forward, including romantic relationships. I just feel completely drained and well I don’t want to die alone feel at this point that I’m getting into a pattern of no return.
I did reach out to two of the prior relationships recently just to reminisce and while there is still caring involved in each of these relationships for one another, I don’t want to go backwards. People don’t change and I’m fearful that if I give either one of these gentlemenanother chance, I’ll be really sorry. My children are grown so I’m alone and I have no grandchildren.
Has anyone experienced anything like this? Perhaps I’ve just had so many bad experiences after investing my time and energy into each of these relationships that I’m fearful of that happening again?
If you ever think about reviving a past relationship remember that you ended the relationship for a reason. Returning is like a dog eating it's own vomit.
Being with another person is not going to make you happy. You need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.
losing your h only 10 yrs ago it sounds like you've had a helluva lot of relationships in only say 5 or 6 yrs bc surely you weren't ready for one any sooner. So l'm not surprised your burned out.
lt sounds like way too many considering the circumstances and in such a short time frame but to even have that many in that time and that not one worked out, you couldn't have been being very selective or even ready for most of them either.
And after all that and only 6mths break your already contacting ex's now.
Your lonely, so what, so are many other people but you need to stop and be you get your head straight and just be for awhile. But also start being patient and choosing more carefully in the future.
You are expecting a man to be responsible for your happiness instead of including a man in your happiness. No emotionally healthy partner wants that burden. As others will tell you, you need to be good on your own so you have something to contribute to a relationship other than "need".
Be someone that you would want in a relationship. Increase your circle of friends and get involved with a new hobby or learn a new skill. Get outside of your own head and learn to live happily alone. Life doesn't promise us all life-long partners. Make peace with that and when the right man shows up you'll both be much happier together.
losing your h only 10 yrs ago it sounds like you've had a helluva lot of relationships in only say 5 or 6 yrs bc surely you weren't ready for one any sooner. So l'm not surprised your burned out.
lt sounds like way too many considering the circumstances and in such a short time frame but to even have that many in that time and that not one worked out, you couldn't have been being very selective or even ready for most of them either.
And after all that and only 6mths break your already contacting ex's now.
Your lonely, so what, so are many other people but you need to stop and be you get your head straight and just be for awhile. But also start being patient and choosing more carefully in the future.
Couldn't rep you again random but I was thinking the same thing, lots of relationships in a short time.
Being alone without being lonely is a challenge for some people, especially after a long marriage.
Sometimes pulling back and reassessing where life is going out of control is called for.
There was a period when I had to do just that when I was dating, things were chaotic with three guys I was seeing, two I'd known a long time, one I'd just met and I realized I had my hands too full. I broke it off with all three of them and was by myself for a while, no dating. Amazing how life calmed down.
It was after this period that I met my husband and I slow walked that one even though I liked him a lot.
So OP think about taking a deliberate break from trying to find a relationship and work on finding peace within yourself instead, however that's achieved for you.
You have to figure out why you picked wrong and spent so much time with each guy. What did you miss? Are your expectations unrealistic?
Being lonely is not really a reason to date, because then you are looking for that person to fix what makes you unhappy in life, and that's not fair, and rarely works out.
Work on being happy with life, and then a romantic relationship, if you still want one.
Have you done any grief therapy or counseling? I didn't after my first husband died, and I really should have. Though I did wait 2 years to even consider dating, which I think helped.
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losing your h only 10 yrs ago it sounds like you've had a helluva lot of relationships in only say 5 or 6 yrs bc surely you weren't ready for one any sooner. So l'm not surprised your burned out.
lt sounds like way too many considering the circumstances and in such a short time frame but to even have that many in that time and that not one worked out, you couldn't have been being very selective or even ready for most of them either.
And after all that and only 6mths break your already contacting ex's now.
Your lonely, so what, so are many other people but you need to stop and be you get your head straight and just be for awhile. But also start being patient and choosing more carefully in the future.
Really great advice, OP!
I might suggest you get some grief counseling, too, since 10 years later you still miss your husband every day. That's not a good mindset in which to look for a new relationship anyway, as randomx points out. Also a counselor could help you figure out why you're getting into relationships that ultimately don't work out; are you getting involved too quickly, just so you can have someone around all the time? Are you ignoring red flags, or dismissing differences in values or other important criteria? After doing your grief work, you could discuss the relationships to see if there's a pattern to your behavior that's not serving you well.
This should be basic groundwork you do before even considering looking for another relationship. Consider that you're simply not ready to make a successful go of it yet, and do this self-care first. Best wishes!
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-07-2024 at 08:46 AM..
Since becoming a widow over 10 years ago, I have had a few relationships. In each of these relationships, I thought I found a good man to spend the rest of my life with even though I still love and miss my husband, every single day, however, ultimately, each of these relationships I ended up really disappointed and hurt to the point where I had a walk away. This just happened too many times and the last relationship. I broke up six months ago after being together for two years. This also was the most painful break up for me.
I decided to leave the area for several months and be near my family since I could work remotely, I have done that now for five months and I’m very lonely. I did try to meet some new people here, but I have found that I have no energy to invest in any new relationships.
This is very unlike me since I always have a lot of energy in general and have not had a problem in the past moving forward, including romantic relationships. I just feel completely drained and well I don’t want to die alone feel at this point that I’m getting into a pattern of no return.
I did reach out to two of the prior relationships recently just to reminisce and while there is still caring involved in each of these relationships for one another, I don’t want to go backwards. People don’t change and I’m fearful that if I give either one of these gentlemenanother chance, I’ll be really sorry. My children are grown so I’m alone and I have no grandchildren.
Has anyone experienced anything like this? Perhaps I’ve just had so many bad experiences after investing my time and energy into each of these relationships that I’m fearful of that happening again?
Yes Ma'am! Sounds like my life, although my husband lived, we divorced, he remarried and I just jumped around all over the place looking for whatever I was supposed to have or be. The very best advice I can give you is to stop looking.
Had I listened to that very advice years ago, I could have lived many years of my life actually content and happy. I felt I was extremely lonely, I didn't want to grow old by myself and die old either. I really became quite distressed and kept breaking up with every boyfriend because they were not "making me happy". That's why, because I had to stop, reboot, and do what was best for myself.
I stopped dating all together. I had several friendly dates but no dating sites, nothing serious and really nothing romantic at all. As time went on, I focused on my crafty side, got back into cooking, decorating, dance lessons, family and "home sweet home". For two years I didn't have the first thought of loneliness nor did I go places or get friends to hook me up with someone. I was OK just being me, was just fine. I actually thought I may never date again, because of the "emotional freedom". I actually enjoyed being single and before long, people notice that you're truly a happy an fun person and they want to be around you. Then someone will come along.
I have been engaged for about 5 months to a man I met on a dating site YEARS ago. He was just out of a marriage and I was just out of a relationship and we both were hurting and we were just friends, agreed that the timing wasn't right. After all these years I saw him on Social media and said hello, now we are getting married in October and just bought a Kawasaki Terex 800 ORV. We do wheeling and ride Harleys and just have fun. It's really weird too, because my kids mentioned him a few months ago, they always liked him. Life was good before him, it's good now, and as long as I am in control, it always will be. Good luck to you!
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but I was thinking the same thing, lots of relationships in a short time.
