Does marriage counseling really work? (Christian, female, loving, single)
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If they won't give advice and/or fix things, then what are they good for? Hmm? And the only person I want "mediating" me and my wife is an attorney I put on retainer. Marriage counselors systematically take the wife's side, even when putting on a false front of "mediation", and that goes for both male and female. They make more money that way. It's common---and commonly denied---knowledge.
Well, if a counselor wants to just sit and watch a live soap opera, that's what TV is for. Otherwise, it's not fair for a counselor to charge the clients a full price for these sessions, where he/she doesn't actually do anything. Charge a nominal fee instead; call it "listener fee" or something. Then, once the advice starts coming, go ahead and charge the full price.
If you feel a counselor is “taking sides” or has an unjust bias you should seek another that has the best interests of everyone involved. They (biased professionals) do exist, I’ve met a few myself. However they are easy to weed out once talk starts. You should be asking them questions as well, not just listening to what they have to say. Finding a counselor that fits closest to your own needs and lifestyle is key. There are many “ways of life” and not all counselors are adept at handing everyone or every circumstance.
Likewise, if you have someone who only wants to listen and rarely give advice or methodologies on how to approach, it’s time to seek someone who is willing to do the job you are paying them for, not someone who is a bad fit for your circumstance.
As far as speaking through an attorney. Attorneys are not for fixing interpersonal relationships, they are for fixing legal conflicts...it does not relate to the topic of marriage counseling. If you’re already to the point of “speaking legally” to one another it’s unlikely any form of personal resolutions is going to matter. Presumably it’s passed that point, which is why it’s gone to the realm of legalities.
Last edited by rego00123; 01-17-2019 at 12:55 PM..
There is nothing which happens in counseling which can't be accomplished over a cup of coffee IF the parties are capable of talking and listening. Why pay someone to do that for you when you can do it yourself? Either way, in or out of counseling?
If it was that easy, a couple wouldn't be on the verge of divorce. Some couples need a third party to make it happen.
I would like some input from those of you who've gone to marriage counseling please.
Some background information: we've been having some marital problems for the past few years and, as a last ditch attempt, we've decided to go to a marriage counselor. Our appointment is next week. I personally have no high hopes but I would like to give this 10-year old marriage one last try. My husband says he's willing to do whatever it takes to keep us together (he still loves me very much and I still care deeply for him). The problem is, although I can name 2 major issues that have always been sore points in our relationship (in-laws and mismatch libido), the rest is very vague (things like, we've grown apart from each other, I feel unfullfilled in our marriage, etc.. vagues things like that). So I'm not sure if marriage counseling will help identify and solve the problems.
Can you please share your experience with me? What should I expect? What should we prepare ourselves to do? And the most important part, does it work?
Thanks.
Marriage counseling works when you want it to work.
If you feel a counselor is “taking sides” or has an unjust bias you should seek another that has the best interests of everyone involved. They (biased professionals) do exist, I’ve met a few myself. However they are easy to weed out once talk starts.
Well, counselors do take the wife's side by default, unless extenuating circumstances dictate otherwise. Women do it because of natural female camaraderie, and men do it because of white-knighting. Most importantly, it's where the money is (like a cut from local divorce attorneys). And another thing: if me and my hypothetical wife were to do counseling, she sure as hell wouldn't want to switch away from someone who's on her side, now would she?
I wonder what would happen if I started a marriage counseling business that sides with the husband by default?
Well, counselors do take the wife's side by default, unless extenuating circumstances dictate otherwise. Women do it because of natural female camaraderie, and men do it because of white-knighting. Most importantly, it's where the money is (like a cut from local divorce attorneys). And another thing: if me and my hypothetical wife were to do counseling, she sure as hell wouldn't want to switch away from someone who's on her side, now would she?
I've seen a couple of different marriage counselors during different relationships with and without my SO. Never did they tell us what to do, but rather they pointed out ways where we were sabotaging the relationship by not handing conflict in a positive way. I learned that conflict resolution is one of the most important, if not THE most important indicator of whether a relationship will weather the test of time.
For example, in my 20s, I often handled my anger by using the silent treatment which is really terrible, but I just didn't have the skills to deal with my anger in any other way. I grew up in household where women were not suppose to express anger at all, ever. So it was really hard for me to show anger. A marriage counselor helped give me skills to express anger in a productive way.
Another example; I was in a relationship where my partner was very passive-aggressive when he was unhappy or angry. Again, with the help of a counselor, we learned better ways to communicate with each other.
We went through a lot of counselors and most were unhelpful.... often addressing most of the questions/discussion towards me.... or not really engaging us as a couple... many seemed to be immediately biased towards the wife even before the total picture was known.
The last one was the worst. He asked me "Do you really work late hours?" in 4 different ways. Yes... I work a demanding job that requires it and as such it affords my wife the option of being home for the kids without worry financially. Then asked me 4 different ways, "How many drinks do you really have when you are out with friends?" Again... each time saying..... I limit myself to a few and leave myself enough time as I am the only driver (none of my friends own cars) thus the defacto designated driver. Each time sounded like he was implying that I was lying... By the third session, he got on my case because we did an exercise which involved writing and I chose to do mine in Evernote (I journal in Evernote and I am a computer related professional) instead of handwritten. Then went overboard praising my wife because she jotted it down on paper.
My wife knows all of this.... she's even met me at work a few times to go out to dinner right after work and knows my friends.
I ended up politely excusing myself, walking out and waiting in the car. I resenting my wife for a long time because she just sat there and didn't stand by me as I was defending my responses. She kept seeing this therapist for a few more months solo which kinda pissed me off (I told her) but I wasn't going to stand in the way.
I ended up forking a ton of cash for that... felt like a total waste of money... she never spoke about the therapy sessions... oh well.
I'm not going to say this is universal experience... cop it to bad luck... but sure didn't leave me with a good impression of the profession.
We went through a lot of counselors and most were unhelpful.... often addressing most of the questions/discussion towards me.... many seemed to be immediately biased towards the wife even before the total picture was known.
The last one was the worst. He asked me "Do you really work late hours?" in 4 different ways. Yes... I work a demanding job that requires it and as such it affords my wife the option of being home for the kids without worry financially. Then asked me 4 different ways, "How many drinks do you really have?" when you are out with friends. Again... each time saying yes..... I limit myself to a few and leave myself enough time as I am the only driver thus the designated one. Each time sounded like he was implying that I was lying... By the third session, he got on my case because we did an exercise which involved writing and I chose to do mine in Evernote (I journal in Evernote and I am a computer related professional) instead of handwritten. Then went overboard praising my wife because she jotted it down on paper.
My wife knows all of this.... she's even met me at work a few times to go out to dinner and knows my friends.
I ended up walking out and waiting in the car. I ended up resenting her for a long time because she just sat and didn't stand by me as I was defending my responses. She kept seeing this therapist for a few more months... each time I resented her more.
Your story makes for a great cautionary tale for That Which We Do Not Speak Of. It's also why I will NEVER see a marriage counselor without hiring a divorce attorney behind my wife's back. Better yet, I'd like to see the counselor's reaction if I show up to the session with an attorney. (Like, by having him meet me by the building entrance.) I bet that dumb quack would be scared _hitless.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 01-17-2019 at 10:36 PM..
We went through a lot of counselors and most were unhelpful.... often addressing most of the questions/discussion towards me.... or not really engaging us as a couple... many seemed to be immediately biased towards the wife even before the total picture was known.
The last one was the worst. He asked me "Do you really work late hours?" in 4 different ways. Yes... I work a demanding job that requires it and as such it affords my wife the option of being home for the kids without worry financially. Then asked me 4 different ways, "How many drinks do you really have when you are out with friends?" Again... each time saying..... I limit myself to a few and leave myself enough time as I am the only driver (none of my friends own cars) thus the defacto designated driver. Each time sounded like he was implying that I was lying... By the third session, he got on my case because we did an exercise which involved writing and I chose to do mine in Evernote (I journal in Evernote and I am a computer related professional) instead of handwritten. Then went overboard praising my wife because she jotted it down on paper.
My wife knows all of this.... she's even met me at work a few times to go out to dinner right after work and knows my friends.
I ended up politely excusing myself, walking out and waiting in the car. I resenting my wife for a long time because she just sat there and didn't stand by me as I was defending my responses. She kept seeing this therapist for a few more months solo which kinda pissed me off (I told her) but I wasn't going to stand in the way.
I ended up forking a ton of cash for that... felt like a total waste of money... she never spoke about the therapy sessions... oh well.
I'm not going to say this is universal experience... cop it to bad luck... but sure didn't leave me with a good impression of the profession.
You are still married and you no longer resent your wife? Was it just a matter of time to get over the resentment, or do you still resent her?
From your post, it kind of sounds like you worked long hours, and also spent time out socializing/drinking with your co-workers while your wife was stuck at home alone with the babies. Did you work through that successfully?
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