wah (married, love, husband, older)

[I love the Bears]

Did you ever feel like you existed only to be fit in when the people in your life had nothing better to do?
My husband and my kids are great and I have one very good friend that I share most everything with - but other friends & family only seem to call me when they "have time" and don't seem to see that it upsets me when it's weeks after my bday or just weeks period. And wow - do I see how silly that sounds when I type it out. But I can't help that my feelings get hurt. I try to take the 5 year plan - you know - in 5 years will it still bother me.... And I try to pull back and stop going out of my way for those people - not being a jerk - just why keep giving only for it to hurt me that I am not getting anything back.
I guess I'm just in a transition phase and everyone is just busy. I know that - but did it ever just bother you that people seem to get upset when you don't go the extra mile for them - but they never seem to think that you need it back?

[ellie]

I wish I had some answers for you. At the very least, I'll send some good thoughts your way.

[I love the Bears]

It's all right - I'm just being a whiner. It just gets old sometimes....

[allforcats]

Originally Posted by I love the Bears

Did you ever feel like you existed only to be fit in when the people in your life had nothing better to do?

Then if you don't enjoy that, get those people out of your life.
Whose life IS it anyway? If it's YOUR life, then YOU'RE the one who chooses what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy, what stays and what goes...

they don't see that it upsets me

No, they don't, because they're living THEIR lives, not yours, feeling THEIR feelings, not yours, which is exactly as it should be. Therefore, you can't expect anyone ever to read your mind, make accurate assumptions about you, do things you want them to do, or feel and think the way you do. Only you can do that!
If you want someone to do something differently, ask them to.
If nothing changes after you've asked twice, then move on because you can never ever control anything anyone else does, says, thinks or feels, and wishing will never make other people change. But you CAN move on, so you can change the quality of what you give yourself to experience...

I try to take the 5 year plan - you know - in 5 years will it still bother me....

My father used to say "A hundred years from now it won't make any difference." How rude is that? How completely dismissive is that of how a person actually feels about their life?
Five years from now is irrelevant; tomorrow is irrelevant. NOW, this minute, is when you are alive and feeling.
NOW is what matters.
YOU are what matters -- first to you, then, maybe, to a handful of others. When you choose to fill your life with relaxation, love for self, activities and people that make your heart sing -- then how others feel no longer matters. When you love YOU and rejoice in your being alive and being exactly who you are, then you can just flow with the rest, because you've become the captain and creator of your life, instead of allowing your feelings to depend on forces outside yourself...

it upsets me -- my feelings get hurt

Then stop! Stop hurting you!
Don't choose to feel hurt.
Each of us is the only one who controls our feelings. Don't believe me? Try an experiment. Look at a mound of mashed potatoes, or the floor, or a tree, or the chair near you. Create a liking for it inside you. Feel that liking rising in your heart, feel the joy the pleasure the delight, and feel your face starting to smile! FEEL LOVE FOR IT!! YOU LOVE IT!!
YOU did that. YOU created how you feel. YOU control every tiny bit of how you feel about everything, always, under ALL circumstances!

Choose to feel pleased that you are exactly the beautiful being you are, exactly the beautiful being you were meant to be.
Choose to let your feelings depend on your choice which you always control, not on the completely uncontrollable behaviors of forces outside yourself.

Whose life is it anyway? It's YOURS, so go love it!!

[yankeegirl313]

Thats when you "forget their birthday and special occasions going on in their life." I shouldn`t say that. (nods...)
Then that would just mean that you are going down to their level.
Just try to understand how they are...be patient, as you can... and go on.
I know its hurtful when they don`t call or get into contact with you somehow, but you are who you are. Thats what you do. If they are not respectful enough to pick up the phone, or send a card, etc...then...they are the ones who live with that, not you. Carry on!

[EllenOlenska]

Originally Posted by I love the Bears

Did you ever feel like you existed only to be fit in when the people in your life had nothing better to do?
My husband and my kids are great and I have one very good friend that I share most everything with - but other friends & family only seem to call me when they "have time" and don't seem to see that it upsets me when it's weeks after my bday or just weeks period. And wow - do I see how silly that sounds when I type it out. But I can't help that my feelings get hurt. I try to take the 5 year plan - you know - in 5 years will it still bother me.... And I try to pull back and stop going out of my way for those people - not being a jerk - just why keep giving only for it to hurt me that I am not getting anything back.
I guess I'm just in a transition phase and everyone is just busy. I know that - but did it ever just bother you that people seem to get upset when you don't go the extra mile for them - but they never seem to think that you need it back?

Do you think that it might be because you did something that they took offense with and are acting out in a passive aggressive manner?

If not, then maybe those people are just selfish.

I try to give as much as possible with friends/family, but when they start to take me for granted, I stop.

Things cannot be one way or else resentment will build.

[Macrina]

Originally Posted by I love the Bears

Did you ever feel like you existed only to be fit in when the people in your life had nothing better to do?
My husband and my kids are great and I have one very good friend that I share most everything with - but other friends & family only seem to call me when they "have time" and don't seem to see that it upsets me when it's weeks after my bday or just weeks period. And wow - do I see how silly that sounds when I type it out. But I can't help that my feelings get hurt. I try to take the 5 year plan - you know - in 5 years will it still bother me.... And I try to pull back and stop going out of my way for those people - not being a jerk - just why keep giving only for it to hurt me that I am not getting anything back.
I guess I'm just in a transition phase and everyone is just busy. I know that - but did it ever just bother you that people seem to get upset when you don't go the extra mile for them - but they never seem to think that you need it back?

I've always heard that Love in its purist form includes giving with no expectations of return. (NOT saying that I've achieved much ability in doing this, LOL....) But it's something for which to strive.

I think a related issue here is.....how high are the expectations that we place on other people? And recognizing at the same time that we don't like it when others do that same thing to us!

It seems so hard these days to keep things at a pure and simple level, doesn't it?

And upon further reflection I think I can state this view won't be a popular or completely understood view. I mean, I think this sort of thing is not much promoted in modern thought or behaviour.

[I love the Bears]

I really am not as wishy washy as the original post sounded - I was just having a bad day. I do not sit around and wait for the phone to ring or cry when I don't get as many cards on my bday as I think I should. I don't have that much time.
I guess it's that I am sitting back and taking stock of my life and looking around me and seeing that some of the effort that I put out isn't worth it. Macrina - I get what you're saying and I believe it too. I don't think that I put forth effort in my relationships expecting to get something back - but after awhile you can't help but notice when things are completely one sided. Anyway - I have been easing back in certain areas from certain people. I realized that I was getting upset because I expected people to act like I did and be thoughtful and caring and that it was crazy to put my expectations on others like that.
You know that saying/poem - about friends - a season a reason or a lifetime? I can't remember exactly how it goes.... I know there are some relationships that I have to let die a natural death and it's bothering me.
Thanks for listening to me whine - I'm over the pity party!

[endersshadow]

I think as everyone becomes older, for one reason or another they don't see their friends as much. The short and simple answer is that they have their own lives. Married, kids of their own, parents becoming too old to live on their own, noisy neighbors, etc. I rarely see my older sister who just lives 10 miles away. Recently, my brother told me that I became his best friend in the past few months because he and I go to the gym together (so we see each other about 4-5 times a week at least). Neither of them really have time to see their friends and in some cases, their own siblings. The same is true with many of my friends' family. I know that I'm losing touch with some of my friends as well. It's just the way it is when you get older, I guess.

[The Man in SATX]

Some words advise from my dad a long time ago.. the only true friend that anyone ever has... is a dollar in your pocket..

When I first heard that I said WTF? but you know after all of these years... it does cling true...

With the way the world is now a days.. your only true friend.. is the dollar that is in your pocket.. if you do not have that.. you do not have anything