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I'm young and on my way to college next month, and I've been with a girl my age for about half a year now. She's staying local while I go away to a school about 3 hours from home. We've already pretty much decided we're staying together, but the thought of us taking this step has caused both of us a little bit of anxiety.
Has anyone here (in the past or present) been in a situation similar to mind? Did it turn out good, or terrible?
I'm not that naive, and I know this is going to be an uphill battle and will probably end up badly, but as long as she's willing to put in the effort, so am I.
What do you guys think? Am I going to be wasting my time when I should be living it up? For the record I will be home for breaks, and the very occasional weekend, so I feel like I could be worse off anyway...
Thinking on my younger days... move along... if it was meant to be.. you will wind up with her... you may blame her for missing out on your life if you do not do it and you wind up spending the next 2 years courting her and then on year 3 it doesnt work..
Basically if she is still around when you finish school.. then she was meant to be for you...
Considering you're young and on your way to college, I too am a little skeptical that your relationship will work. In my mind, it's not so much the distance but moreso that because you both are so young, neither of you really know what you want yet in life and in a partner, and both of you are still figuring your own selves out. In college you're going to meet so many new people and experience so many new things. But who knows, maybe you're both mature for your age.
That said, long distance relationships CAN work, but it takes a lot of commitment and effort (whether you and your SO are ready for this kind of a relationship and want it is a different story).
If you really want to make it work, here's my advice (sorry it's long):
1) Both people involved must want the relationship to work, and both must be prepared to make an effort. If either or both of you have doubts, are unsure, or is just reluctantt o leave what's familiar, don't waste your time. Be aware that there is a learning curve to successfully managing long distance relationships. Being a part of one anothers' lives is going to require more effort and planning than when you lived in the same city. Also, you will have to learn to feel and stay connected without depending on physical proximity and skinship. A lot of people especially struggle with the last one (kind of out of sight, out of mind). You need fortitude of character and mind to remain steadfast in a long distance relationship where there's no instant gratification and the rewards you reap are in the future.
2) Trust and respect are essential. Be honest with the other person, and most importantly, with yourself. Conduct yourself in a respectable manner as someone with a SO, even if the SO is not present. Show respect for your SO even when they are not there. When in public or with others of the opposite sex, don't do anything that you wouldn't do in front of the SO. If the trust is not there, the relationship will not last. And if you respect your SO, you wouldn't do anything dishonest.
3) Send photos often. Sure, send pictures of yourself, but also send pictures of you with your friends, your school, your local hangout, etc. It helps to feel more connected when there's a face/image to the names/places you mention and talk about.
4) Stay a part of one another's daily lives. Share stories, rants, funny moments, etc on the phone. Since you are the one moving away and the SO is staying put, you most likely know her friends and daily routine. Whereas you have that peace of mind, understand that she is not familiar with your new school, your new friends, your new life. Find ways to involve her, and keep her in the loop.
5) Visit one another as often as possible. Three hours is an easy trip you can make over the weekend. As in your situation, if one person is being "left behind," make it a priority for that person to visit the person "moving on". Have your SO meet your new friends and show her your new school, etc. It goes back to what I said in (4) about staying involved in one anothers' daily lives.
6) Communicate often and honestly. If the distance is really hard on you, let it be known to your SO and take the necessary measures to remedy it (more visits, more calls, etc). If you start having doubts about the relationship, be honest and don't lead the other on. Figure it out or end the relationship.
7) Let the SO know you are thinking of them. Send emails/text messages to say hi. Call or leave messages to let them know they're on your mind. Send sweets or flowers (can be done online) or cards, either randomly or if they have a big test or job interview coming up. Send care packages. Send tickets to a future event you plan to attend together in the near future. The trick is to find the rate that works for the two of you, where you both feel loved by the other without being smothered.
8) Focus on when you will be able to be together again (in the near future), not how long the long-distance arrangement will last. For this purpose, try to visit as often as possible. Discuss plans for the next time you'll see one another.
7) Be aware of how you react to new environments and life changes, loneliness/isolation, and stress. Do you seek physical comfort? Do you shut people out? Learn to be self-aware and understand how you work. Say you feel really lonely and isolated. Before you conclude that you can't handle being away from your sweetheart, make sure it's not the fact that you just moved and still aren't socially established in your new location (which will get better as you meet mroe people) that may be compounding your loneliness. You're in a new place with new people and new things to do. Make sure you know how to distinguish between your personal issues and the relationship issues.
8) Make the SO a priority. It's easy to drift apart due to the distance. You have to put in the effort to contact and check in with them, to visit them, to make them a part of your life.
The caveat is, all this is moot if it's not reciprocated and both of you want it to work.
I think the likelihood of success of a long distance relationship is predicated on a number of things, but I think maturity and strength of relationship prior to the separation (which is usually a function of the length of time of the relationship) are the two biggest factors.
Example: I lived across the U.S. from my wife for the first two years of our marriage due to our divergent professional obligations. We dated/were engaged for two years, got married, and then moved apart. I flew to see her (a 3.5 hour flight each way) two or three weekends a month and we talked on the phone daily. I racked up some healthy phone bill, a lot of frequent flier miles, and became a familiar face to flight attendants and staff in the airport lounge. It was no fun, but my wife and I knew it was temporary (only two years) and we made it work. We were in our 30's.
Two college kids keeping up a six month romance? I'd guess the odds are low. But who knows, really?
Thanks for the responses everyone. I guess I just won't know how this is going to work out until I'm away.
professorsenator, your post was a little reassuring though, even if its a much different situation.
It still shows that if we give it our all, we could possibly make it. Our relationship is strong for the time we've been together, and with no previous issues, we see no reason to throw away our potential because of the long distance situation, at least without trying first.
I guess many have failed, but some have succeeded, and only time will tell.
Thanks for the responses everyone. I guess I just won't know how this is going to work out until I'm away.
professorsenator, your post was a little reassuring though, even if its a much different situation.
It still shows that if we give it our all, we could possibly make it. Our relationship is strong for the time we've been together, and with no previous issues, we see no reason to throw away our potential because of the long distance situation, at least without trying first.
I guess many have failed, but some have succeeded, and only time will tell.
If that's how you feel, why not give it a go? The worst that could happen is that you spent more time in a relationship that didn't pan out. But as with all new experiences, you'll still learn a lot about yourself by trying it out. And who knows, it might work.
Listen..its worth a shot! If you guys really love eachother or have strong feelings for eachother..it just might not work. If it doesnt then atleast you can say you gave it a try.
Good luck to you, your girlfriend and assuming its your first year in college, good luck with achieving your education!
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For the record I will be home for breaks, and the very occasional weekend, so I feel like I could be worse off anyway...
