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It's been 17 years, not wanting to reopen the mourning, sorry.
That's one of the answers I thought I might get. I have two options to tackle this.
Option 1: Actually, reopening the mourning is exactly what you do need to do Riv as you have not truly completed the grief cycle. You are not really looking for a new relationship/companion/wife, you are looking to totally replace your late wife. Sorry, it can't be done. No one, I repeat NO ONE, can be a replacement for another. It's all brand new with each and every relationship. At the moment, you should most definitely not be in a marriage, or shall I say arrangement as I suspect it would end very badly.
I've been desperate, as in desperately lonely in the past. Quite frankly, even at my most "desperate" if I encountered the OP, I would've run the other way. I suspect that one of the reasons the OP hasn't found companionship is due to his own attitudes. Every woman, and every man for that matter, wants to be valued, to be cherished, to be loved. We never hear that from the OP, only this desperate talk. What are you bringing into the relationship Riv?? What makes you think that if you are married you might not be so desperate? You might end up more desperate, more lonely. All we hear is about what you want, not what you have to offer to someone else. What about their needs?
Option 2: Since Riv was so reluctant to discuss some of the specifics of his life, does anyone besides me think that this could be the work of a troll/flamer? There is something about this thread that just doesn't seem to ring quite true. (That's one of the reasons for all my questions.)
If Riv is indeed real, I would recommend some professional counseling for him to overcome his grief, learn the difference between being alone vs. lonely, how to cope, how to develop relationships.
That's one of the answers I thought I might get. I have two options to tackle this.
Option 1: Actually, reopening the mourning is exactly what you do need to do Riv as you have not truly completed the grief cycle. You are not really looking for a new relationship/companion/wife, you are looking to totally replace your late wife. Sorry, it can't be done. No one, I repeat NO ONE, can be a replacement for another. It's all brand new with each and every relationship. At the moment, you should most definitely not be in a marriage, or shall I say arrangement as I suspect it would end very badly.
I've been desperate, as in desperately lonely in the past. Quite frankly, even at my most "desperate" if I encountered the OP, I would've run the other way. I suspect that one of the reasons the OP hasn't found companionship is due to his own attitudes. Every woman, and every man for that matter, wants to be valued, to be cherished, to be loved. We never hear that from the OP, only this desperate talk. What are you bringing into the relationship Riv?? What makes you think that if you are married you might not be so desperate? You might end up more desperate, more lonely. All we hear is about what you want, not what you have to offer to someone else. What about their needs?
Option 2: Since Riv was so reluctant to discuss some of the specifics of his life, does anyone besides me think that this could be the work of a troll/flamer? There is something about this thread that just doesn't seem to ring quite true. (That's one of the reasons for all my questions.)
If Riv is indeed real, I would recommend some professional counseling for him to overcome his grief, learn the difference between being alone vs. lonely, how to cope, how to develop relationships.
Seems as though we are on the same page
If he's NOT a troll I'm just not sure what it is he is trying to accomplish here. Most people who post on this forum with a problem are very open to any and all suggestions and advice. He has spurned all our advice and only wants to keep repeating like a broken record that he just wants a woman - and he wants her NOW.
What I was hoping to get him to understand is that he is much more likely to get what he wants, AND to get it a lot sooner, if he would try taking some of the advice some of us have offered him. When a person is on fire and you offer to help put the fire out, but all they want to do is stand there and yell, "but I'm on fire", there really isn't much more you can do to help.
Two posters show the way to bully someone into talking about what they don't want to talk about.
This happens every day in schools, in workplaces by the immature.
Now watch what happens next, the two bullies will play stupid, will pretend to not understand what I'm talking about and you'll be reading nonsense like "Oh, Riv must hate women (No, I just don't like nosy, pushy people unless its a nosy, pushy woman who wants to marry me...!) so no wonder he gets rejected (Er, that's putting the cart before the horse............I might avoid a woman after she rejects me, its definitely not that she rejected me because I disliked her").
Yessir, all bullies need to do to get the victim to talk is for them to ignore what the victim does say and instead to make assumptions (which they know from reading to be incorrect) about what the victim is going through-----thus the victim feels upset and then HAS TO defend himself BY telling them what he didn't want to tell them and my past marriage from 1979 to 1991 is none of their business and I never intended to share this with them.
To say in so many words "IF you won't answer my (nosy) questions THEN you must be a troll" and "IF you won't take my (bad) advice THEN you must be a troll".
Bullying tactics designed to make the victim complement their unthought out/cliched advice and designed to make the victim tell them all his personal business .
But it isn't worth arguing with them, sorry. I won't respond to any more of their baiting posts.
I'll give them some advice too. MYOB in life, people will like you better. Can your advice, help people instead.
The two bullies have been in contact with one another for a couple of days via "backchanneling". I was told this through e-mail (backchanneling) that I did not request nor initiate but I think that others should know about that.
I'm no troll, I came here not for advice. I came here trying to find a lonely woman and they know that.
Few people here are bullies, most had good intentions for giving advice and honestly didn't understand that I tried all those things.
Two posters show the way to bully someone into talking about what they don't want to talk about.
This happens every day in schools, in workplaces by the immature.
Now watch what happens next, the two bullies will play stupid, will pretend to not understand what I'm talking about.
Yessir, all bullies need to do to get the victim to talk is for them to ignore what the victim does say and instead to make assumptions (which they know from reading to be incorrect) about what the victim is going through-----thus the victim feels upset and then HAS TO defend himself BY telling them what he didn't want to tell them and my past marriage from 1979 to 1991 is none of their business and I never intended to share this with them.
To say in so many words "IF you won't answer my (nosy) questions THEN you must be a troll" and "IF you won't take my (bad) advice THEN you must be a troll".
Bullying tactics designed to make the victim complement their unthought out/cliched advice and designed to make the victim tell them all his personal business .
But it isn't worth arguing with them, sorry. I won't respond to any more of their baiting posts.
I'll give them some advice too. MYOB in life, people will like you better. Can your advice, help people instead.
The two bullies have been in contact with one another for a couple of days via "backchanneling". I was told this through e-mail (backchanneling) that I did not request nor initiate but I think that others should know about that.
I'm no troll, I came here not for advice. I came here trying to find a lonely woman and they know that.
Few people here are bullies, most had good intentions for giving advice and honestly didn't understand that I tried all those things.
I really have been as nice as I can be, and my attempts to help you were most sincere. If you think I have in any way attempted to "bully" you that is purely your skewered perception. But again, if you didn't come here for help I really do not understand why you are continuing to post, THIS IS NOT A DATING SITE OR A SITE TO LOCATE LONELY WOMEN ON - this is an advice and informational website.
I continue to post as I am hoping someone will know and introduce me to a woman who wants marriage as much as I want marriage.
If that isn't you then stop posting to me, I have no problem with that.
Live and let live, leave me alone and go about your business if it bothers you that I'm trying any way I can to find a mate, that I don't agree with your advice, that I don't want to delve into the distant past for someone who isn't able to become that special woman for me.
I understand your frustrations in finding a mate but City-Data is NOT a dating website. You can befriend many female members here, males as well and take it from there.
This seems to be like a one-sided conversation. You can not post here and not expect feedback from the members. Next step, I will close this thread.
Two posters show the way to bully someone into talking about what they don't want to talk about.
This happens every day in schools, in workplaces by the immature.
Now watch what happens next, the two bullies will play stupid, will pretend to not understand what I'm talking about and you'll be reading nonsense like "Oh, Riv must hate women (No, I just don't like nosy, pushy people unless its a nosy, pushy woman who wants to marry me...!) so no wonder he gets rejected (Er, that's putting the cart before the horse............I might avoid a woman after she rejects me, its definitely not that she rejected me because I disliked her").
Yessir, all bullies need to do to get the victim to talk is for them to ignore what the victim does say and instead to make assumptions (which they know from reading to be incorrect) about what the victim is going through-----thus the victim feels upset and then HAS TO defend himself BY telling them what he didn't want to tell them and my past marriage from 1979 to 1991 is none of their business and I never intended to share this with them.
To say in so many words "IF you won't answer my (nosy) questions THEN you must be a troll" and "IF you won't take my (bad) advice THEN you must be a troll".
Bullying tactics designed to make the victim complement their unthought out/cliched advice and designed to make the victim tell them all his personal business .
But it isn't worth arguing with them, sorry. I won't respond to any more of their baiting posts.
I'll give them some advice too. MYOB in life, people will like you better. Can your advice, help people instead.
The two bullies have been in contact with one another for a couple of days via "backchanneling". I was told this through e-mail (backchanneling) that I did not request nor initiate but I think that others should know about that.
I'm no troll, I came here not for advice. I came here trying to find a lonely woman and they know that.
Few people here are bullies, most had good intentions for giving advice and honestly didn't understand that I tried all those things.
No wonder you can't get a woman.
You don't need an introduction - you need institutionalization.
I'm desperate to have a wife. Age 57/widowed/from NY.
Isn't it better to admit it than to adapt a fake personality or to "force" yourself not to feel desperate?
I'm 50% of the solution. All I need is a woman who admits she too is desperate to get married and problem solved!
Love and marriage cures desperation.
I think most women are afraid of an honest man. That they want to hear socially accepted lies rather than to have a feeling man who is completely honest with them. No, I can't fake it, I've been rejected, hurt, burnt too much and i can't keep playing the dating game. I fear "investing" my feelings again (after all the hurts) in another MAYBE who turns out to "like" me only as a friend (who pays for dates...........What? Are they crazy?) I need a sure thing; a woman who lets me know from the start that she is interested and if she is desperate then no problem.......
So am I.
To quote an old song, it sounds like you are "looking for love in all the wrong places".
In today's youth-oriented, consumer culture it is getting more and more difficult to find genuine, honest, caring people. My advice is: If you can relocate, please consider moving to a rural area where you can get to know people. Although the evil claw of consumerism and popular culture has gripped even rural folks, the odds are better of finding the person that you seek is much greater in an environment of caring that you will find in a non-metropolitan setting.
There is nothing wrong with being desperate. When I am single (hopefully never again) I am very unhappy and "desperate" to find a significant other so I can relate. You'll find that people in the country are much more marriage-oriented too, which is a bonus.
I agree with you. Wanting to have a partner is probably a natural human need. If Riv had a wonderful wife and a loving relationship for many years, I can understand that he feels "desperate" to have that kind of caring in his life again. (unless of course he's desperate for someone to cook and clean )
Try to be patient. Dating for the most part can be like a game. I hope you won't meet too many "players" of that game. A woman may wonder why you want to get married, since so many men don't seem to want that.
They may not understand that it's because you enjoyed being married and want to be in a happy relationship again.
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