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So 30 years ago my father remarried to a woman from a quasi-wealthy family. She receives "dividends" every year from her father's company and is probably worth a few million. She was initially very nice to me and my sister, but as time went on and she had two children with my father, we started getting the feeling that she probably, all things considered, would find life easier without two stepchildren. So years later when I was applying to college, I was accepted into an elite college that guaranteed to meet all financial need of accepted applicants. But I couldn't qualify for anything because of her dividend income. She said to me "I hope you understand, that money is for MY children". That was fine, but since I had to report her income, it directly adversely affected me. More recently, my father sent us all an email saying they have started their estate planning and that her money will be split among her 2 children and the rest will be split among the 4 children. I actually really like my half brother and sister - they are wonderful - but I have felt forever that our family is divided into Class A and Class B children. I (honestly) don't care about any inheritance, never plan on getting anything from anyone. My question is: does a stepparent have to take a "my children" versus "not my children" stance? Especially after 30 years? Don't some stepparents treat their stepchildren more as their own? Would you be resentful of this or not resentful? My main question is the following: is she sending a clear message about her true feelings and lack of deep commitment? Or is it just standard, means nothing?
I am sorry from an emotional standpoint as well as a practical one for you. It would be my desire as a wealthy step parent or as the one married to a wealthy step parent that we would feel more unity towards all our children. At the very least, they could have paid for your college, because obviously her income did affect your options there. It seems like this would be an issue in their marriage - it would for me if I were in your dad's situation.
I think it's perfectly understandable that you and your sibling would feel hurt.
My question is: does a stepparent have to take a "my children" versus "not my children" stance? Especially after 30 years? Don't some stepparents treat their stepchildren more as their own? Would you be resentful of this or not resentful? My main question is the following: is she sending a clear message about her true feelings and lack of deep commitment? Or is it just standard, means nothing?
No, they don't have to take such a stance. But the likelihood of such a stance is dependent on a number of things, and I would think that two critical factors would be the age of the children at the time that she became their step-mom and the longevity of the step-mother/child relationship. Everything else being equal, I would think that step-mothers would make less of a distinction between "my children" and "not my children" for younger kids that she has known for a long amounts of time. There's no question that 30 years is a long time, so it sounds like your step-mom was never going to fully embrace you as her own. I suspect some step-moms do and many don't.
Would I be resentful? I think the fact that it was clear over time that the relationship cooled would suggest that she viewed you differently than "her children." So while I can't say that I would or would not be resentful (I'm, of course, not in your shoes so it's tough to say) I would think that her position should not come as much surprise. And, yes, she is definitely sending a message about her depth of feelings and you have understood the message correctly.
It is a tough break that her finances interfered with your ability to secure financial aid, but this is something that you're simply going to have to chalk up to the injustices of life.
Let your resentment go and console yourself by remembering that you got into the elite college you wanted; that this step-mother makes your father happy; and that her financial security means that you will likely never have to shoulder the burden of taking care of your dad and step-mom financially as they get older. There are many people who are in a lot worse position than you.
It would help to know if your step mother raised you or did you live with your Mom? I would think that your step mother would feel differently if she had raised you. My husband has provided equally for my two oldest children and our child together. But he raised my oldest two from the age of 5 and 8. He feels they are his kids in everything but name.
That being said...I whole heartedly agree with the above post...Let it go. Life is too short to worry about these things or be resentful. Be glad that your father is happy and financially secure. Make your own way. You will be a better person having taken care of yourself.
So 30 years ago my father remarried to a woman from a quasi-wealthy family. She receives "dividends" every year from her father's company and is probably worth a few million. She was initially very nice to me and my sister, but as time went on and she had two children with my father, we started getting the feeling that she probably, all things considered, would find life easier without two stepchildren. So years later when I was applying to college, I was accepted into an elite college that guaranteed to meet all financial need of accepted applicants. But I couldn't qualify for anything because of her dividend income. She said to me "I hope you understand, that money is for MY children". That was fine, but since I had to report her income, it directly adversely affected me. More recently, my father sent us all an email saying they have started their estate planning and that her money will be split among her 2 children and the rest will be split among the 4 children. I actually really like my half brother and sister - they are wonderful - but I have felt forever that our family is divided into Class A and Class B children. I (honestly) don't care about any inheritance, never plan on getting anything from anyone. My question is: does a stepparent have to take a "my children" versus "not my children" stance? Especially after 30 years? Don't some stepparents treat their stepchildren more as their own? Would you be resentful of this or not resentful? My main question is the following: is she sending a clear message about her true feelings and lack of deep commitment? Or is it just standard, means nothing?
My parents both remarried and when they died, my step parents inherited everything which then went to their biological children when they died. So, my father's inheritance from my grandmother went to my step brother and sister because my dad died first.
Legally, you don't inherit from your step parents. Once your parent passes away, you are not related to your step parent. You have no claim to her estate, even the part she inherits from your father if he dies first. Just be glad your father has taken care of it so you will inherit his estate when he passes away.
It would help to know if your step mother raised you or did you live with your Mom? I would think that your step mother would feel differently if she had raised you. My husband has provided equally for my two oldest children and our child together. But he raised my oldest two from the age of 5 and 8. He feels they are his kids in everything but name.
That being said...I whole heartedly agree with the above post...Let it go. Life is too short to worry about these things or be resentful. Be glad that your father is happy and financially secure. Make your own way. You will be a better person having taken care of yourself.
Thanks everyone for the helpful replies. We basically lived with my mother, but when she (my mother) would implode we would occasionally live with them. They did marry when we were in elementary school. My father is sort of a head in the clouds intellectual who often says very insensitive things. But he has made multiple comments about how he got it right the second time around (thus, their kids are the "right" kids; we are sort of the straggling mistakes). But that being said, people have often said I'm the favorite and definitely his favorite for intellectual sparring, so I don't want to go on and on. I just tell my own daughter that she is special and important a million times a day. I would never want her to experience what I have experienced, but I'm sure there are many worse stories.
Thanks everyone for the helpful replies. We basically lived with my mother, but when she (my mother) would implode we would occasionally live with them. They did marry when we were in elementary school. My father is sort of a head in the clouds intellectual who often says very insensitive things. But he has made multiple comments about how he got it right the second time around (thus, their kids are the "right" kids; we are sort of the straggling mistakes). But that being said, people have often said I'm the favorite and definitely his favorite for intellectual sparring, so I don't want to go on and on. I just tell my own daughter that she is special and important a million times a day. I would never want her to experience what I have experienced, but I'm sure there are many worse stories.
At least it's not family money you should have inherited. Knowing my step sister got all of my grandmoter's things really bothers me. I don't care about the money (exept that it hurts being excluded) but some of her posessions, I really wanted. Like the antique sewing machine she taught me to sew on. I have no idea what my step sister did with it but once my father died, everything went to my step mother and then to her kids when she died. I hear they're still fighting over the estate some 3 years after her death.
Why do you feel slighted because you're not slated to inherit what belongs to your step mother's family? My step mother was also wealthy. I've never once thought I should inherit anything from her. That was her family's money. What bothers me is everything my father inherited from my grandmother and everything he worked his entire life for went to her kids when she died but that was her, legal choice. My father's estate wasn't large enough that we'd inherit anything at the time of his death. It all went to her and then to her kids when she died.
I also understand about college. I too was denied financial aid because the total income of my mother and step father and father and step mother was too high though no one had a penny to give me for school. I'm sure my step mother could have afforded to send me but she had no obligation to send me to college so I didn't go until I was in my mid 20's and could pay my own way.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 09-14-2008 at 02:25 PM..
My dad was raised similarly; his stepmother always made it very clear that her children (who are not even my grandfather's children) came first, and every holiday, then and now, is spent with her children. My dad and his sister are in their 50s and it still causes a fair amount of anger and pain.
I don't blame you for feeling resentful...but it can't be helped, you know your dad loves you, and in the long run, dwelling on it will only make you feel bad and not do any good.
Thanks everyone and thanks christina. A couple of previous poster asked some questions in a legalistic way which is legit, but I feel like I tried to address those already. I never asked about legal rights or said I wanted money - I'm just asking about the connection, I guess, between inheritance and meaning. If you have four children sitting down to dinner, do you feed Big Macs to two of them and filet mignon to the other two? (metaphorically?) Do you buy school clothes for two of them at Wal-Mart and for the other two at Neiman Marcus? I'm just asking how people want to live their lives - if they think it is worth the price of giving privilege over "family" and "real life". What ... is the meaning of our lives in the end? I hope this makes sense to someone.
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