Ok here's the update. It's quite long but I don't want to leave any details out.
She arrived at around 10am but I didn't realize it because I was playing the piano. She sat outside on the patio listening to me for 15 minutes before knocking. This was one of the things that got us together (my piano playing). The second she came in she was very nervous. I hugged her and she hugged me very hard and kissed me on the mouth. She then opened her eyes around the house and said "oh my god, this house looks amazing. It is so clean!". This was one thing she wanted help with. We walked around the house and she held my hand and walked into every room just saying holy cow, you did awesome. This house looks beautiful.
We decided to sit down in the living room on the floor. She was looking for a few of her movies. We sifted through and found them. All the while talking etc. She then told me that something is wrong with her and she doesn't know what it is. She said that she has been on her period since the day she left (3-4 weeks now). She says the stress is ripping her apart. I asked if she was ok and told her if I could do anything to help her please let me know. She said it's just the whole situation. I felt it upon myself to be the bigger person at this point and be sure to not play any games with her, besides she is the love of my life.
I told her look (while I put my hand on her leg). I want you to know that I realize you had to make this decision for yourself, and I respect that. I will not sit her attempting to change your mind or persuade you in a feeble attempt to manipulate everything. I said, I want us after today to not ever make mention of the past again. I want us to never hash out the past and relive anything that may be causing bitterness or anger. The decision you made doesn't change anything about how I feel about you. I realize that I wasn't there for you like you were for me. (there was no crying etc, just heart to heart letting her know so I can get on with this.)
We sat there for a while talking about stuff etc but nothing to pressing. She discussed some things as well so I felt it was appropriate to go with it and continue to let each other heal from it and let go of any aggressions. She was very calm and very caring this day. She was definitely happy to see me.
After a little while we went out to the shed and dug out the X-mas stuff so that we could give her the things that were hers. She also asked if she could have my little charlie brown tree which she made for me. It was a music tree and her thing with us was like Schroeder and Lucy in charlie brown. Her facination for my love of music and life is what brought us together. So I know the tree will remind her of me, and in truth since it's gone, it won't remind me of her which works out very well.
While we were out there she kept getting playful and being her old silly self with her cute kid voices etc. She stops and says, you are the only person that I am able to be this way with. I said nothing.
I had just bought us new fishing chairs (rivalry). Of her favorite college and mine. So we used to sit beside each other and harrass eachothers football team
. She asked could she have it and at first I didn't say much of anything I just laughed. Then I said yea, you can take it. Because it again will remind her of me, and not be in my shed reminding me of her. We then put all the stuff from inside the house in the jeep as well. She was saying, this is so strange. I never thought I would ever leave this house.
She said she was getting very weak and wanted to go get lunch. I concured. She said she wanted to take my car because she loves my car. So off we went.
On the way we discussed some more and I again told her. I am sorry for not paying attention to some of the finer details such as planning fun things and little romantic nights at home etc. She said, I know, why can't you just take an idea i have and plan it yourself! Why can YOU go get pumpkins, plan it out, get scary movies, have crazy sex and watch them all night! That's a fun night to me. I said yea, that would rock. She then hit me with the, well now I am going to go carve them with someone else. I don't know about all that other stuff but I am definitely doing the pumpkin thing. I just thought ok, maybe I deserved that from all the chances I had and didn't do it. I am a real man, I can take it when I am wrong. It would have been very minimal effort to do those things, with enormous rewards. So be it. What's done is done.
That silenced it for a second but I didn't let it get to me. I was very confident and protected. As god was watching over me and keeping me in my shining light form and gave me strength the whole day. We pulled into taco bell and just before we entered, I stopped her at the door and looked her right in the face and said. I also want to tell you from the bottom of my heart, how deeply sorry I am that I never gave the same importance to your dreams, as we gave mine. I am deeply sorry that I didn't paint with you when we had the chances. It wasn't about whether I liked it or not, it was about sharing your dreams with you as you have mine. And I am deeply sorry for not giving you that same level of sharing on my slefishness. That was the most serious look she ever gave me in her life. I had totally released a lot of anger etc out of that moment. I watched it disappear. We hugged for a minute, then continued inside.
When we got inside, it was "automatic mode". She ordered hers, I ordered mine, the worker put out the cup, she went and filled it with "our" drink. I paid and we sat down. This time we sat across from one another instead of side by side which we never did. After a minute she says, oh my gosh, did you pay for this? I said yea. She said oh I am sorry I just went into habit mode. I said it's ok, and she said I will get you next time.
We began reminiscing about things and saying what we liked about stuff and what's important. She needed to hear me say she was beautiful etc because she kept saying to me, yea that I am beautiful and awesome and sexy and sweet etc etc. Point was, she truly does feel deep down from my lack of attention, that I don't love her that way. It broke my heart to hear her begging for that comfirmation. So I gave it to her. She deserved it and worked very hard for it. I don't care if this all seems weak and pushes her away from me. She needed to here the truth, not a mind game.
I got up to wash my hands and came back. As I approached she looked up and smiled at me, I sat down and looked at her and said, theres one more thing that's just as important as all of those things. The things about people that aren't perfect. She says yea, those are the best. I knew I didn't have to say it, but I was implying that I am not perfect. I was simply perfect to her for 7 years of her life. I am no longer perfect in her eyes.
We quickly finished eating and rushed to get home so she could be on her way to work and unpacking her stuff. I don't recall what we discussed on the way back at all. In fact, I don't even recall the drive. It has been erased already. I told her however at taco bell, remind me when we get home, I have something for you. When we got there I went inside for it. It was a very meaningful relic that a dear friend gave to me years ago to ensure my safety and well being. I brought it to her and told her the history of it and then said it's my gift to you. She thanked me so much then hugged me for about 3 minutes. She then said, you will do fine. Any CD's you make of you on the piano be sure to give me a copy. I then told her love her and wish her well. She said, I know you do. I kind of took hurt to that comment. She then told me we were friends and I said well, we are more then friends. She said well we aren't together anymore so it makes it more like friends. I said, ok then.
She drove away waving to me the whole time. I then went on a 5 mile walk to try to clear my thoughts. Of course it didn't work.
Today is a new day for me. I miss her dearly and the pain of losing her is not going to come in anything less then a brutal storm aimed at my heart and soul. I haven't decided if I should remain any type of friend to her or not yet. I am thinking that with the mention of another person entering her life at this point, plus the fact that she has mentioned the word "friend" that it is time for me to perhaps cut the tie with her. It will devastate me, but I don't know what else to do. How can I go from, I will always be there for you if you ever need me, to telling her I cannot just be friends. Because I don't want to end up being used as a crutch or training wheels while she builds her new life.
Lord, let the fact that I chose to be the bigger person affect not my character. Ease my heart and swiftly take me to the next chapter in my life. For this one seems to be closed. For now. Let me never forget the learnings from this.
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