Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't know who to talk to about this, but...well...oh well. I'm a grown-up. I'm 41 years old, actually. A mom of three; two from my second marriage (I am still married to my DH). However, I was never married to my oldest son's father. My oldest son, "P," was a big surprise. I had in fact just broken up with his father when I discovered I was pregnant. It was a birth control failure issue (not on my part...no, I didn't "forget" the pill or anything).
"P"'s father, "J," ran screaming and I was left to raise P alone, and I did. I received no assistance from anyone, not once.
J reappered twice, when P was 13 years old. They visited, talked, and J disappeared again. Mind you, this is not a sleezebag (from outward appearances). He's educated, an intellectual and from an upper middle-class family (as was I).
Recently I accidentally ran into him on Myspace as we graduated high school together. I don't know what got into me, but I posted him a quick note blasting him for listing himself as childless. I don't know why I was so hurt by that. I mean I never think of this guy. Ever. P is 22 years old now. It's been nine years since I really thought about J even once!
I can't believe I posted the note. I don't know what I was thinking...or why I was so angry. I guess all P's and my years of suffering, me sleeping on couches half the time as it was so hard to afford rent all alone (working full-time the entire time, obviously), P hating me periodically for "not giving" him a father, me never having a "day off"...ever. Never. Not once.
But there's J hopping all around living the life, going to school, pursuing his extremely obscure dream just for the hell of it with no responsibilities.
He answered my angry Myspace note tonight with basically two or three lines. "Oh, I don't know what to tell you but if you have any questions, please do contact me."
WTF? YES, I HAVE A QUESTION. DO YOU EVER INTEND TO BE A FATHER AND TAKE ANY OF THIS F * CKING WEIGHT OFF MY BACK? Ever? How's that for a question? I didn't say that, obviously.
Why why, why does this still hurt me? Why, after all these years? And why did it work out this way? I had plenty of people tell me I was suffering because I'd made my bed, so I was sleeping in it. But when did J ever sleep in the bed he too made?
I don't know who to talk to about this, but...well...oh well. I'm a grown-up. I'm 41 years old, actually. A mom of three; two from my second marriage (I am still married to my DH). However, I was never married to my oldest son's father. My oldest son, "P," was a big surprise. I had in fact just broken up with his father when I discovered I was pregnant. It was a birth control failure issue (not on my part...no, I didn't "forget" the pill or anything).
"P"'s father, "J," ran screaming and I was left to raise P alone, and I did. I received no assistance from anyone, not once.
J reappered twice, when P was 13 years old. They visited, talked, and J disappeared again. Mind you, this is not a sleezebag (from outward appearances). He's educated, an intellectual and from an upper middle-class family (as was I).
Recently I accidentally ran into him on Myspace as we graduated high school together. I don't know what got into me, but I posted him a quick note blasting him for listing himself as childless. I don't know why I was so hurt by that. I mean I never think of this guy. Ever. P is 22 years old now. It's been nine years since I really thought about J even once!
I can't believe I posted the note. I don't know what I was thinking...or why I was so angry. I guess all P's and my years of suffering, me sleeping on couches half the time as it was so hard to afford rent all alone (working full-time the entire time, obviously), P hating me periodically for "not giving" him a father, me never having a "day off"...ever. Never. Not once.
But there's J hopping all around living the life, going to school, pursuing his extremely obscure dream just for the hell of it with no responsibilities.
He answered my angry Myspace note tonight with basically two or three lines. "Oh, I don't know what to tell you but if you have any questions, please do contact me."
WTF? YES, I HAVE A QUESTION. DO YOU EVER INTEND TO BE A FATHER AND TAKE ANY OF THIS F * CKING WEIGHT OFF MY BACK? Ever? How's that for a question? I didn't say that, obviously.
Why why, why does this still hurt me? Why, after all these years? And why did it work out this way? I had plenty of people tell me I was suffering because I'd made my bed, so I was sleeping in it. But when did J ever sleep in the bed he too made?
God, I hate life sometimes.
Thanks for listening.
OF COURSE we remember you I was actually wondering where you went recently!
It hurts because you're a mom and you want the very best in life for your son. And because you're human. Don't beat yourself up about it, just let yourself feel it, then go back to being the great mom you are.
I don't know who to talk to about this, but...well...oh well. I'm a grown-up. I'm 41 years old, actually. A mom of three; two from my second marriage (I am still married to my DH). However, I was never married to my oldest son's father. My oldest son, "P," was a big surprise. I had in fact just broken up with his father when I discovered I was pregnant. It was a birth control failure issue (not on my part...no, I didn't "forget" the pill or anything).
"P"'s father, "J," ran screaming and I was left to raise P alone, and I did. I received no assistance from anyone, not once.
J reappered twice, when P was 13 years old. They visited, talked, and J disappeared again. Mind you, this is not a sleezebag (from outward appearances). He's educated, an intellectual and from an upper middle-class family (as was I).
Recently I accidentally ran into him on Myspace as we graduated high school together. I don't know what got into me, but I posted him a quick note blasting him for listing himself as childless. I don't know why I was so hurt by that. I mean I never think of this guy. Ever. P is 22 years old now. It's been nine years since I really thought about J even once!
I can't believe I posted the note. I don't know what I was thinking...or why I was so angry. I guess all P's and my years of suffering, me sleeping on couches half the time as it was so hard to afford rent all alone (working full-time the entire time, obviously), P hating me periodically for "not giving" him a father, me never having a "day off"...ever. Never. Not once.
But there's J hopping all around living the life, going to school, pursuing his extremely obscure dream just for the hell of it with no responsibilities.
He answered my angry Myspace note tonight with basically two or three lines. "Oh, I don't know what to tell you but if you have any questions, please do contact me."
WTF? YES, I HAVE A QUESTION. DO YOU EVER INTEND TO BE A FATHER AND TAKE ANY OF THIS F * CKING WEIGHT OFF MY BACK? Ever? How's that for a question? I didn't say that, obviously.
Why why, why does this still hurt me? Why, after all these years? And why did it work out this way? I had plenty of people tell me I was suffering because I'd made my bed, so I was sleeping in it. But when did J ever sleep in the bed he too made?
God, I hate life sometimes.
Thanks for listening.
Honey, it hurts because he essentially completely rejected your child - your heart and soul, the single greatest part of you! You have a right to be upset and hurt, though I am glad you haven't let it get you down all these years. How pathetic of a man he is - and believe me, if he doesn't yet know that, he will. The universe has a way of dealing with this kind of thing - what goes around comes around. Just take a deep breath...
If I were in your shoes I would be furious as well. My sister had a child in high school and actually married the worthless father and he never supported them or helped her, in fact he stole from her and made things a million times worse. Also, he was in and out of my niece's life, always messing with her head when he showed up.
I'm thinking that a lot of your anger comes from him acting like your son (who I am sure means everything in the world to you) doesn't even exist. I bet you have spent the last 22 years trying to give him 100 % and "make it up" to him that his father wasn't around. Then to see him so easily say he has no children when he DOES, he just accepts no responsibility. Plus, you gave up your "having fun" years and grew up way too fast while he's still acting like an adolescent.
You have every right to be mad. You should try to let it go and just forget about him. All that anger and bitterness isn't good for you. Just think of your wonderful son and all the things you love about him and know that you are 100% responsible for his life and the fact that he made it to adulthood. As far as your x, screw him, Karma will get him down the road.
Of course I do. Your "P" is the same age as my "J" and we crossed paths when our sons were both going through some pretty tough life issues. (I think we got *trashed* for being Moms )
Let's turn this around OK? P is 22 years old... MOST of the tough times are in the past now right? You did a wonderful job raising him and YOU survived the pain as well as enjoying all of the pleasures and happy times.
Why on earth would you want to "reach out" and give this loser the opportunity to enjoy what you worked so hard to achieve? He really doesn't deserve it.
If P ever wants to contact him, so be it...but as a Mom who spent a LOT of time alone when my kids were little, be darned if I would "share" now that all of the HARD work is over.
I would chalk it up as an impulsive moment and walk away... *HUGS*
Only another "single single" parent can really understand what it's like. When you're divorced, and can hand off your child to your ex for a weekend of sleep and silence (or fun and partying, whatever your preference is), it's an entirely different situation than than the one that SS parents are in. It's relentless, it's 24/7, and you're right, you never get a day off! I did it myself for years, and it was incredibly difficult. Give yourself a hand for doing such a great job!!!
Now, as for that selfish SOB... Let it go. He's never going to understand. He's never going to get it. Maybe his indifference is actually a good thing, as opposed to the endless custody battles, etc. that could have ensued instead. I'm sorry that your son had to grow up without his dad around; my son is in the same boat, and it's tough. Basically, this guy was your son's sperm donor. No more, no less. Being a sperm donor doesn't make a guy a dad. And honestly, if he hasn't shown any interest in the past nine years, I doubt he's going to do so now.
If it makes you feel better, write a long letter detailing how you feel and how much he has missed out on, but don't bother sending it. The response (or lack of one) will only infuriate you, I'm afraid.
It probably hurts because you are a good mother who loves her son and you can not wrap your head around the fact that this man does not want a relationship with your amazing son.
Anyone can be a Father. Anyone. It takes a special man to be a DAD. Do not expect every man to have the same Maternal instincts that we do as women. It's just not happening. Being born a male does NOT make one a MAN. It is what it is.
You did your very best as a Mom, but, you did have a choice to go after his Sperm Donor to assist with some of the financial burden by way of the Dept of Children & Family Services, at no cost to you, for DNA tests and child support. I commend you for doing it all on your own, however. I'm positive the hells and triumphs have made you that much stronger, nevertheless. Instead of being angry at him, you have earned the right to boast about what a kick-azz job YOU have done and continue to do - and what a great young man you have raised.
The negative energy that you possess toward him is really a waste. It benefits you and your child none. Remember the ole saying. . . "if you keep one foot on yesterday, and one foot on tomorrow, you are going to p*ss all over today." You are very blessed. Congrats. . you have done a phenomenal job. Smile.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I was actually wondering where you went recently!
)
And honestly, if he hasn't shown any interest in the past nine years, I doubt he's going to do so now.
