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When I met the boyfriend he had a job. When we started seeing each other he quit his job. He was unemployed for a year. Now he has been working at the same job for three years but it's off the books. He is 26. All his stuff is at his mom apt but he stays with me in my shared apt. I'm 25.
Last year he decided he was going to go back to school full time and work full time too. I warned him not to go back to school full time since he had pay for it himself and it would be better if he started of slowly. well anyways I don't think he passed any of the classes he didn't drop already. Which means he threw away $2000+.
So then I came up with the bright idea that we save money to move out together. Then he started acting weird about the money that was put away. Come to find out he used the money to buy me a birthday gift. Of course I made him pay me back. But then that turned me off from wanting to move in with him.
He is very irresponsible with paying his bills and managing his money. He doesn't take any of my suggestions to help manage things better. I get so irritated that he is throwing away money on overdraft and late fees. That is money that could be spent on me! (joke) But really we coulda at least been moved in together.
He is a great person. But he sucks as a boyfriend. He says he wants to change. he doesn't want to be irresponsible anymore. blah blah blah. I'm just sick of hearing it but not seeing it. He has great potential to be an awesome boyfriend/husband/father. How do I help this process along??
Okay, first off he's not a great person. I don't care how funny or attractive he is. If this is how he behaves at the age of 26, what on earth makes you think he'll be any better at 46?
It's important to draw the line between being an adult and being a grown up. Being an adult is nothing more than a biological stage of life, like pupae or larvae. Being a grown up encompasses one's ability to function on his or her own, make responsible decisions, and consider the effect one's actions have on the people around him.
You've already said that he flunked out of college at the age of 25 (Which is a pretty amazing accomplishment, given grade inflation today). He's working at a job where he gets paid under the table. He's still keeping his stuff with his mother. He ignored your opinion on going back to school and gave you a financial setback in the process. He took the money you both saved together and blew it on something frivolous, even if it was a gift for you. What you don't tell us is if he spent it all on you or spent some of it on you and the rest on something else.
I'm not trying to be harsh here. But you're not dealing with a man here. You're dealing, at best, with an adolescent who refuses to take any responsibility in his life--a chimp with car keys, if you will. And while he might say funny things all the time and be a gas on Saturday nights, he's no fun on Monday through Friday when the bills have to be paid, the house has to be cleaned, and other grown up responsibilities have to be met. So, if your relationship deepens further with this guy, you'll wind up carrying him through life. And, suddenly, after a few years of that, all his endearing characteristics will just make you want to throw up.
Let me clue you in on something. You can change a man's appearance. But, by the time he's 26, you can't reform the man inside. If he's a self-centered loser now, nothing you can do will make him a good husband or father. He is doomed to wander through life sucking the energy out of everybody else, and then blaming them for his failures in life.
Do yourself a favor and get out. There are just way too many great guys out there who take their responsibilities in life seriously AND can be fun to be around. You know, guys who actually respect you.
Thanks guys. It's not what I wanted to hear but you all are right. And it wasn't something i didn't know already. I just wanted to know I did everything possible. I don't want what ifs when looking back on this relationship.
Younglisa: you are right. he is going to bring me down considering he is holding me back as is.
MommyV: this relationship has been like raising a child. Which is probably why I don't have any and have changed my mind about having any in the near future.
Thanks again!!
I don't mean to pile on here, but I want to add this thought: A child, if you raise him well, will become reasonably self-sufficient and at least aware of his own responsibilities by the time he's 8 or 9. You have a guy on your hands who has never been taught those things. It's unfortunate, for he will likely be an emotional cripple all of his days. But it's not your duty to rescue him from himself or awful upbringing.
There are just way too many great guys out there who take their responsibilities in life seriously AND can be fun to be around. You know, guys who actually respect you.
Where? (*looking around*) Can you point me in the right direction?
Where? (*looking around*) Can you point me in the right direction?
An excellent question. Here's what you do.
It's called Dating Against Type.
Make a list of all your failed relationships. You know, the soul-scarring bastages who made you miserable.
Now, sit down and figure out what attracted you to those people in the first place. Now go out and look for the opposite person. For you are probably ignoring great guys right now because they don't fit into some preordained box of your own construction.
When I was dating, I kept going out with the same type of woman over and over again: Artsy, introspective, and neurotic. After a bad breakup, I finally decided to go out and date the exact opposite kind of person. Two months later, I met my wife.
I would leave immediatley. the best way for him to change is to do it by himself. he does not need you teaching him how to be responsible. That job was supposed to have been done by his parents not a potentia spouse.
Also what makes him such a good potential father/husband if he is so irresponsible?
He is a great person. He takes care of me when I'm not feeling well. He has patience because he puts up with me when I'm being unreasonable. He can cook. Kids instantly like him (maybe because he is a kid himself). He can keep a job. Basically he is there for me when I need/want him. But thats only part of it. And the other part he doesn't have is equally important to me. hopefully he figures it out soon.
He is a great person. He takes care of me when I'm not feeling well. He has patience because he puts up with me when I'm being unreasonable. He can cook. Kids instantly like him (maybe because he is a kid himself). He can keep a job. Basically he is there for me when I need/want him. But thats only part of it. And the other part he doesn't have is equally important to me. hopefully he figures it out soon.
You might have well said, "He has a pulse." Because those constitute the bare minimum for any relationship. Don't you deserve better?
Okay, first off he's not a great person. I don't care how funny or attractive he is. If this is how he behaves at the age of 26, what on earth makes you think he'll be any better at 46?
It's important to draw the line between being an adult and being a grown up. Being an adult is nothing more than a biological stage of life, like pupae or larvae. Being a grown up encompasses one's ability to function on his or her own, make responsible decisions, and consider the effect one's actions have on the people around him.
You've already said that he flunked out of college at the age of 25 (Which is a pretty amazing accomplishment, given grade inflation today). He's working at a job where he gets paid under the table. He's still keeping his stuff with his mother. He ignored your opinion on going back to school and gave you a financial setback in the process. He took the money you both saved together and blew it on something frivolous, even if it was a gift for you. What you don't tell us is if he spent it all on you or spent some of it on you and the rest on something else.
I'm not trying to be harsh here. But you're not dealing with a man here. You're dealing, at best, with an adolescent who refuses to take any responsibility in his life--a chimp with car keys, if you will. And while he might say funny things all the time and be a gas on Saturday nights, he's no fun on Monday through Friday when the bills have to be paid, the house has to be cleaned, and other grown up responsibilities have to be met. So, if your relationship deepens further with this guy, you'll wind up carrying him through life. And, suddenly, after a few years of that, all his endearing characteristics will just make you want to throw up.
Let me clue you in on something. You can change a man's appearance. But, by the time he's 26, you can't reform the man inside. If he's a self-centered loser now, nothing you can do will make him a good husband or father. He is doomed to wander through life sucking the energy out of everybody else, and then blaming them for his failures in life.
Do yourself a favor and get out. There are just way too many great guys out there who take their responsibilities in life seriously AND can be fun to be around. You know, guys who actually respect you.
I know exactly what I am dealing with. it's been three years.
I can't knock him for "dropping out of college". I didn't finish college either. I would rather he go and decide he doesn't want to keep going than continue to waste money trying to graduate because that is what society thinks is best. And it was his money he spent. Not mine. He has a good job in the sense that he could learn a great deal and earn a lot of money in the future. He is very aware of his short comings (as I've told him plenty of times) and takes responsibility for it. He says he is going to try to change. which is a start. But i will believe it when I SEE it. Just because he sucks in certain areas doesn't mean he is complete trash. Nobody is perfect. And I rather help (but not money wise) until I can't anymore than just leave.
If he doesn't get it now at 26, he's not ever going to get it. You will just end up paying for his debts and end up broke. Move on is what I say..
Why would I pay for his debt??? he already knows that I'm not doing anything with him until he straightens EVERYTHING out and keeps it that way.
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