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Okay, so I feel awkward enough already posting this here, but I don't know who to ask for an unbiased opinion.
My ex and I broke up about a year ago, but we still see each other and when we do we still have sex. I haven't been with anyone else since him and he hasn't either nor can he w/o knowing someone very well because of his (immune) disease. We still have feelings for each other and we very close and would probably still be together if not married if we lived in the same city, which is the reason behind the split.
Either way, I stayed at his house this past week and used his computer and found out that he's heavily involved in phone sex. When I say heavily, I mean he spend upwards of $300/month. It is some website where you join and there's a "library" of people that you can choose from regarding any fantasy, fetish, situation, or whatever you want. What baffles me though is the people he pays for are women he would not go out with-therefore I would take that to mean he's not attracted to them at all.
So here's the kicker-the majority of the people he chooses to call are transexuals and shemales. Does this mean he's become bi-sexual? I don't get it. He's never dated anything but thin, attractive women, so this is really different from anyone from his past. I really am not angry at him, and I really am not trying to be rude or judgmental, but if this is who he chooses to fantasize about being with sexually, I don't want to go down that road with him again. Of course I will remain his friend, but any sort of intimacy would have to be cut off.
ummm yea....he's either closet gay or Bisexual.....for sure. Pure Heterosexual males probably don't even want to think about thinking about a he/she.......maybe he's confused? Or in denial.....
Okay, you're worried about catching a disease but you're still sleeping with your ex who is probably hitting it somewhere else (be it a born female or a newly-minted one)?
Don't ask questions, when you really don't want the answers....and don't snoop if you can't handle what has been found.
Why would he tell you that he's attracted to transexuals and shemales? He's getting sex from you, so why would he mess that up? Sex is sex....................well somtimes!!!
Find someone who wants to be your man in the light and the dark.
First of all, you live in different cities so how do you know he isn't sleeping with anyone else? Because he tells you???
Second, if you are "very close" and he let you use his computer, I wouldn't consider it snooping. If you are THAT close and really want to know, ask him. "Hey, when I was on your computer I saw this website. What's up with that?" Don't ask him in a judgmental way, just out of curiousity.
If you are sleeping with him, and you know he already has a disease, and you now know he's interested in same-sex people, you should also want to know whether it really is only a fantasy world or more. If more, is he practicing safe sex?
Who cares whether he's gay, straight, bi, or just curious? You just want to know whether you should continue a sexual relationship with him. Unless you trust him implicitly not to lie to you, the cynic in me says cut him off (sexually) to make sure you are completely safe. Doesn't mean you can't maintain the friendship.
Your not together anymore as a couple, just together for sex only. So your not his girlfriend, so his business is his own imo.
And why are you snooping through his stuff?
If you're not going to answer my initial question, why bother posting? Second off, we aren't together for sex only. We still have feelings for each other, but don't believe in l-d relationships. Hence the dilemma.
Last edited by Dazed&Confuzed; 09-02-2008 at 05:00 PM..
First of all, you live in different cities so how do you know he isn't sleeping with anyone else? Because he tells you???
Second, if you are "very close" and he let you use his computer, I wouldn't consider it snooping. If you are THAT close and really want to know, ask him. "Hey, when I was on your computer I saw this website. What's up with that?" Don't ask him in a judgmental way, just out of curiousity.
If you are sleeping with him, and you know he already has a disease, and you now know he's interested in same-sex people, you should also want to know whether it really is only a fantasy world or more. If more, is he practicing safe sex?
Who cares whether he's gay, straight, bi, or just curious? You just want to know whether you should continue a sexual relationship with him. Unless you trust him implicitly not to lie to you, the cynic in me says cut him off (sexually) to make sure you are completely safe. Doesn't mean you can't maintain the friendship.
Well, no one ever really knows if someone is lying. That's just life. All you can do is try to have faith in people and do your best to trust they're being honest. We aren't together so I don't think he would have a reason to lie, but you never know. To be honest, if it weren't for the progression of his disease, I would probably think he were lying but the fact remains he can't be promiscuous or he can screw himself royally. Also, I never said I was worried about getting a disease per se, what I said was he was more worried that I because he knows he hasn't been with anyone else.
Secondly, yes I did have freedom to use him computer/internet and the way I stumbled upon the website was truly an accident. I was typing in a web address and the wonderful autofill feature filled in the web address of the hotline and I just hit enter automatically not really paying attention to the site I was going to. Up to that point, I had no suspicions of anything like this at all. I will admit, while I had no right to and I'm well aware I was wrong, I did look further at the site once I saw that he was logged in and had a user name, etc. Sorry to say, but once your eyes set upon something like this, curiosity just got the best of me. I'm only human.
I did confront him about the website and his words were, "It's just phone sex. I'm not proud of it, but I have needs too. I can't go out and just have casual sex with people and this is just my way of coping." I did not though confront him that I saw his list of people he liked to engage in conversation with so he knows I know some of his secret.
The fact remains, regardless of how wrong I may or may not be, I found out. Again, as per my original message, I am not angry with him. He has freedom to be attracted to whomever.
You hit the nail on the head coleslaw, my place in all this is that I don't want to carry on with him in any intimate manner if he is gay/bi, etc. Many tend to think men attracted to transexuals aren't gay, but I don't know. However, this may sound corny, but we have a lot of chemistry and passion when we are together, but I will just bring it back down to the friendship level.
instead of having sex with him, have only phone sex with him.
It appears he enjoys that more as I bet he isn't spending --$300 a month-- on you now.
Well he can't exactly have sex with me whenever he wishes.
The phone sex is a good idea. I'll charge less. His bill is in the mail.
Last edited by Dazed&Confuzed; 09-02-2008 at 05:13 PM..
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