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I used to send her all kinds of things...toys, dresses, gobs of dresses, and she threw them out...so now, I just send her a small amount of money on her birthday and Christmas...and even asked her to call me....but, she hasn't...so, I'm not to sure, she is getting them?
I'm usually pretty good with it, but occassionally I slip back, like today. I write my son and send the letters to his work...just talk general stuff, what's going on back here at home. But, he no longer responds. The last time we spoke, he promised he'd have my grand daughter call, and they did, but I wasn't home...but he hasn't called back since. I'm thinking she wigged out about it when her daughter told her they called me...and now, I will never hear from her again.
My DIL never, ever had my grand daughter call me...which is odd to me...I just wasn't raised like that...we always kept both sides of the family close and informed. As I said, my mom, was a very kind and loving woman. She didn't see bad in people...
I hate to say it creme my friend, but this girl sounds "tainted" by the way she watched her own mother behave while growing up. Not that she couldn't learn to do better but apparently she has no motivation to do so.
Sorry if you said this already, but have you come right out and discussed this with your son (in a non-accusing tone)? I mean, have you told him how sad this all makes you?
I hate to say it creme my friend, but this girl sounds "tainted" by the way she watched her own mother behave while growing up. Not that she couldn't learn to do better but apparently she has no motivation to do so.
Sorry if you said this already, but have you come right out and discussed this with your son (in a non-accusing tone)? I mean, have you told him how sad this all makes you?
Yes, I have...in a letter...and on the phone, but unfortunately, he took it as I was beratting his wife...and, I guess I was, I should have said nothing.
You see, from the very beginning, even though I was in denial, I knew what she was doing...it was so abnormal, so, played out and manipulative....lies, etc. So, I tried hanging in there...she knew she had the upper hand, and so did I...she was and is the love of his life...
He even said to me..."if she wasn't married to me, you would have nothing to do with her?" I replied, "your right, I never raised you like that...and you have known the problems I've had with so and so's mother (my MIL) but I would have never, even thought of treating her the way your wife snaps at me and treats me.
She is a very angry woman. Mean spirited when she wants to be...she doesn't care about the feelings of others, what she cares about are results, and she'll win no matter the cost. I'm to old and tired to want to fight her...I won't.
Once, I played a tape for a male friend, one my son sent me of a cruise they were on....he never met my DIL...when it was over, the first thing he said was...."Hmmmm, you have a very snippity DIL". He never knew, at that point, the trouble I was having with her.
My son...is in love...he wants to believe it's my fault...he has to I guess.
Hey Creme, You and I have talked about this in length but I will share again. My husbands family are very nasty and I am the one who encourages the relationship with them. I know what they have said about me and my children but I still remind him to call on special occasions, call to talk with his dad about football, the boats, fishing...whatever guys talk about.
But I have also decided to step back from them. My husband and children are on their way to the inlaws right now and I am here hanging out with you all! I will not allow my MIL to be ugly to me any longer and if I am not around she will have very little to say.
I have played the game with my MIL...call to ask a question about this or that because I know she likes to feel needed, call her and ask her to join us at events for the kids which she only comes about half the time after she has agreed to come, buy them food, water and scored ice during Hurricane Isabelle...but my MIL is still nasty and turns a blind eye to the havoc whe has started within the family.
There are no easy answers here. I know it will be harder with the upcoming holidays and I am so sorry you and you DIL cannot come to an agreement to dislike each other but to both love your son... it must be terrible...
Hey Creme, You and I have talked about this in length but I will share again. My husbands family are very nasty and I am the one who encourages the relationship with them. I know what they have said about me and my children but I still remind him to call on special occasions, call to talk with his dad about football, the boats, fishing...whatever guys talk about.
But I have also decided to step back from them. My husband and children are on their way to the inlaws right now and I am here hanging out with you all! I will not allow my MIL to be ugly to me any longer and if I am not around she will have very little to say.
I have played the game with my MIL...call to ask a question about this or that because I know she likes to feel needed, call her and ask her to join us at events for the kids which she only comes about half the time after she has agreed to come, buy them food, water and scored ice during Hurricane Isabelle...but my MIL is still nasty and turns a blind eye to the havoc whe has started within the family.
There are no easy answers here. I know it will be harder with the upcoming holidays and I am so sorry you and you DIL cannot come to an agreement to dislike each other but to both love your son... it must be terrible...
It gets pretty stale when there is no reciprocation, doesn't it.
It is terrible...and usually I'm doing well with it..but today was just a hard day...you know what they say, for every step forward, you take two back...today is that day.
Thank you and thank you for still not being hateful....as you have every reason to be...I don't believe hate settles anything...it destroys the hater...eventually.
Hugs to you and wishing you a great week ahead...and thanks so much for sharing.
It gets pretty stale when there is no reciprocation, doesn't it.
It is terrible...and usually I'm doing well with it..but today was just a hard day...you know what they say, for every step forward, you take two back...today is that day.
Thank you and thank you for still not being hateful....as you have every reason to be...I don't believe hate settles anything...it destroys the hater...eventually.
Hugs to you and wishing you a great week ahead...and thanks so much for sharing.
That's sweet...I still hate her but I do not let it bother me She has her own stuff and I don't have time to inherit it along with living a productive life... life's too short for shenanigans.
It will get better...maybe a face to face would be therapeutic. Have you considered a professional mediator? I had to hire one for a board I am on when we had some "internal disputes" and it was great having an unbiased view and suggestions. The two board members are much happier now and more willing to work with one another. Just a thought.
Yes, I have...in a letter...and on the phone, but unfortunately, he took it as I was beratting his wife...and, I guess I was, I should have said nothing.
You see, from the very beginning, even though I was in denial, I knew what she was doing...it was so abnormal, so, played out and manipulative....lies, etc. So, I tried hanging in there...she knew she had the upper hand, and so did I...she was and is the love of his life...
He even said to me..."if she wasn't married to me, you would have nothing to do with her?" I replied, "your right, I never raised you like that...and you have known the problems I've had with so and so's mother (my MIL) but I would have never, even thought of treating her the way your wife snaps at me and treats me.
She is a very angry woman. Mean spirited when she wants to be...she doesn't care about the feelings of others, what she cares about are results, and she'll win no matter the cost. I'm to old and tired to want to fight her...I won't.
Once, I played a tape for a male friend, one my son sent me of a cruise they were on....he never met my DIL...when it was over, the first thing he said was...."Hmmmm, you have a very snippity DIL". He never knew, at that point, the trouble I was having with her.
My son...is in love...he wants to believe it's my fault...he has to I guess.
I am so sorry you are going thru this creme I am sad for you.
If my either of my sons married someone like this, this is what I might do differently...kill the girl with kindness. Do not for one minute let her know how unhappy you are - she is on a power trip that gets fed every time she is able to make you feel badly. No matter how rude or ugly she gets you have to act like you didn't hear it and keep smiling (until you get home or somewhere alone and can SCREAM, lol). Basically, I am saying you have to outsmart her and cut off feeding her power trip. Can you try this?
My former MIL thinks I walk on water because I forced my ex to start calling his parents and spend time with them, including visiting on holidays. The contact has continued even after our divorce. But I do encourage her to stop trying to put us back together he'll stop calling if he has to always hear what a mistake he made to let him go. (it makes him feel better that my mom does the same thing to me)
I am so sorry you are going thru this creme I am sad for you.
If my either of my sons married someone like this, this is what I might do differently...kill the girl with kindness. Do not for one minute let her know how unhappy you are - she is on a power trip that gets fed every time she is able to make you feel badly. No matter how rude or ugly she gets you have to act like you didn't hear it and keep smiling (until you get home or somewhere alone and can SCREAM, lol). Basically, I am saying you have to outsmart her and cut off feeding her power trip. Can you try this?
I did yes, thanks....for a long time, but she snapped at me way to many times....and it shocks me everytime she does...and I can't stand her any longer. I don't hate her, I hate her behavior. but, it's gone way beyond that...to far. As I said, I think I did shock her that I lasted that long. People on his father's side of the family tell me, they can't stand to be around her longer then 3 days, she is so arrogant...so, aloof. A real bully.
That's sweet...I still hate her but I do not let it bother me She has her own stuff and I don't have time to inherit it along with living a productive life... life's too short for shenanigans.
It will get better...maybe a face to face would be therapeutic. Have you considered a professional mediator? I had to hire one for a board I am on when we had some "internal disputes" and it was great having an unbiased view and suggestions. The two board members are much happier now and more willing to work with one another. Just a thought.
yes, actually, I asked my son twice when they were home for a year, but he wouldn't.
My former MIL thinks I walk on water because I forced my ex to start calling his parents and spend time with them, including visiting on holidays. The contact has continued even after our divorce. But I do encourage her to stop trying to put us back together he'll stop calling if he has to always hear what a mistake he made to let him go. (it makes him feel better that my mom does the same thing to me)
smiles and hugs, thanks for doing what you did...you were a good DIL...as most of my friends do have...I just can't believe sometimes, that this has happened to my son and I?
Creme
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I am sad for you. 
