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yes, actually, I asked my son twice when they were home for a year, but he wouldn't.
Well, it sounds like they do not want to be honest about what is going on since they do not want to fix it...she probably does not know what the real problem is...self examination can be very difficult.
I did yes, thanks....for a long time, but she snapped at me way to many times....and it shocks me everytime she does...and I can't stand her any longer. I don't hate her, I hate her behavior. but, it's gone way beyond that...to far. As I said, I think I did shock her that I lasted that long. People on his father's side of the family tell me, they can't stand to be around her longer then 3 days, she is so arrogant...so, aloof. A real bully.
Thanks so much
Well, it sounds like you've done all you really can do - though I know that doesn't make you feel any better. Still, be the bigger person as often as you are able and just remember, every time you can keep your cool with her you deprive her of that fuel her ego needs. Take small comfort in knowing you aren't feeding into the monster.
Also, as far as sending your grandchild gifts - I would send a nice card with a personal check. If the check doesn't get cashed you can ask you son about it and he'd have to wonder why the child never got the check. If the check DID get cashed but you never received a thank you note from the child you would have a legitimate reason for calling your son and saying, "hey, I'm so glad to send the money gift, but don't forget to teach your child how to write a thank you note - it's for her own good that she knows how to do this". This way, if your d-i-l cashed the check but never gave it to your daughter he would at least know you sent something.
Don't worry. She'll turn on him one day and you'll get him back. Just stick to the high road. Don't complain about her, it will only make him defend her, as you have discovered. Just keep calling him at work and make arrangements to see him without her. If he asks why just tell him you don't want him to choose between the two of you and you are uncomfortable around her. This may entail holidays before or after the actual day, but when he hears her complain about you but you never have anything bad to say about her, he'll start to see things differently.
What made me think of this thread is, I had a MIL over last week. She was talking about her son, how she calls him, and talks to him once a week...and how they come to visit, etc. I asked her, if she extends herself to her DIL...? For instance, when she phones, does she ask to talk to her? Does she invite her for lunch, or to take her to a show, just spend some quality time with her? She said no?
I find that sad...
All my other girlfriends do this with their DIL's matter of fact, their DIL's love them dearly...
I envy that...somewhat...wish I had it...
I really like my MIL who lives several states away.
I do occassionally ask if he's spoken to his parents or grandmother recently, and encourage him to give them a call - but honestly it's his own responsibility. He's pretty good with it - I would say he talks to her once a week or at the most once every two weeks. Sadly not so much with his grandmother. I always tell him to say hi, but I don't feel the need to actually talk to her myself that much.
He's not good about sending cards, and I rarely do it for him - I'm hopeless with that stuff myself, but my MIL has sent us some very cute cards, so I went and found a lovely Mother's Day card for her from both of us this year. Generally speaking though, cards and calls to his family are DH's responsibility, not mine.
Well, it sounds like you've done all you really can do - though I know that doesn't make you feel any better. Still, be the bigger person as often as you are able and just remember, every time you can keep your cool with her you deprive her of that fuel her ego needs. Take small comfort in knowing you aren't feeding into the monster.
Also, as far as sending your grandchild gifts - I would send a nice card with a personal check. If the check doesn't get cashed you can ask you son about it and he'd have to wonder why the child never got the check. If the check DID get cashed but you never received a thank you note from the child you would have a legitimate reason for calling your son and saying, "hey, I'm so glad to send the money gift, but don't forget to teach your child how to write a thank you note - it's for her own good that she knows how to do this". This way, if your d-i-l cashed the check but never gave it to your daughter he would at least know you sent something.
Well intended but bad idea. Criticizing will only create a bigger rift.
Also, as far as sending your grandchild gifts - I would send a nice card with a personal check. If the check doesn't get cashed you can ask you son about it and he'd have to wonder why the child never got the check. If the check DID get cashed but you never received a thank you note from the child you would have a legitimate reason for calling your son and saying, "hey, I'm so glad to send the money gift, but don't forget to teach your child how to write a thank you note - it's for her own good that she knows how to do this". This way, if your d-i-l cashed the check but never gave it to your daughter he would at least know you sent something.
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You have made a very good point...thanks so much...
I have told my son, that his wife threw away 3 dresses that I sent my grand-daughter, while his father and Step mom were visiting. They said she got abnormally angry and threw them away...
I know it wasn't the dresses, cuz the young girls I work with used to go with me and buy the same dresses for their kids. It's me. She wants to be the only one who gives to her daughter, and maybe she feared my grand daughter loved me to much???? Who knows what makes a mind like that think?
But I will tell you this...you should go into some of the forums for DIL's and see how ugly they are, and how they talk about their MIL's. Some of it is just, but most of it is immaturity, jealousy and down right controlling. It is very sad...and you have no idea until you live it...that young women can be that cruel and manipulative, hateful, immature...they have nothing to fear...and yet, they are so afraid to allow their husbands, time with their mothers...sad...
I thought I'd died and gone to heaven when I married my second husband. I LOVE my MIL. She is sweet and kind and understands when my DH is too busy to call. She calls just to talk to me instead. When he goes on business trips, sometimes she comes to stay to help with the kids (like last week for Halloween when DH was in China.) I feel so lucky to have such a great MIL.
However, I feel I paid my MIL dues because MIL #1 was horrific. She accused me of getting two cats so that she couldn't step foot in our house. She has a true phobia of cats and won't go anywhere near where a cat might be. She never believed me when I said that the cats were 5 years old when I moved in with her son and I'd had them since they were 8 weeks old. She'd just accuse me under her breath (not kidding, but seriously accuse me) of purposefully acquiring cats to keep her away. Also, she decided, about 3 years into that marriage that she couldn't stand anybody who was bigger than a size 4. I am well above a 4. And she'd make pointed comments at any get together about how we (a fellow SIL and me) shouldn't eat certain things. It got to the point where I refused to be anywhere where she would be because she'd say and do things to try to make me feel horrible. When that DH and I decided mutually to separate, she accused me of having an affair which was completely untrue. She was truly awful. I wonder what she says about me to other people or what she used to say as that has been more than 10 years ago now.
So, my deepest sympathy to any DILs or MILs who are having trouble with their in-laws. I've had both ends of the spectrum.
I thought I'd died and gone to heaven when I married my second husband. I LOVE my MIL. She is sweet and kind and understands when my DH is too busy to call. She calls just to talk to me instead. When he goes on business trips, sometimes she comes to stay to help with the kids (like last week for Halloween when DH was in China.) I feel so lucky to have such a great MIL.
However, I feel I paid my MIL dues because MIL #1 was horrific. She accused me of getting two cats so that she couldn't step foot in our house. She has a true phobia of cats and won't go anywhere near where a cat might be. She never believed me when I said that the cats were 5 years old when I moved in with her son and I'd had them since they were 8 weeks old. She'd just accuse me under her breath (not kidding, but seriously accuse me) of purposefully acquiring cats to keep her away. Also, she decided, about 3 years into that marriage that she couldn't stand anybody who was bigger than a size 4. I am well above a 4. And she'd make pointed comments at any get together about how we (a fellow SIL and me) shouldn't eat certain things. It got to the point where I refused to be anywhere where she would be because she'd say and do things to try to make me feel horrible. When that DH and I decided mutually to separate, she accused me of having an affair which was completely untrue. She was truly awful. I wonder what she says about me to other people or what she used to say as that has been more than 10 years ago now.
So, my deepest sympathy to any DILs or MILs who are having trouble with their in-laws. I've had both ends of the spectrum.
I'm sorry your first MIL was like that....she was very wrong...but your 2nd MIL..wow, that is how my friends are with their DIL's. Your very lucky!!!!!
My first MIL was horrible, my then husband was an only child and spoiled rotten. I loved my FIL, he was wonderful to me and would stand up for me.
She thought when my first son was born, that it was like she thought she was the mother of him, and any wishes I wanted while she would have him
she would never follow. The final straw for me is when she called for the grandchildren to come over for the weekend, my son was 6 and my daughter was 4, well we showed up, the two kids and myself. She looked
at my daughter and said," What are you doing here, I did not want you".
The look at my little girls face was painful to see. I told my MIL" If both of them are not invited then neither one will be here. I picked up and went home.
I learned something from her and it was, that I would never ever treat my dIL that way.
With my second marriage I cannot say the same about this MIL, she is sort of a cold person, but other than that she is fine.
Sassy, you made a wonderful point...I am determined I will never treat my future DIL's the way I have been treated...Silver lining in everything!
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