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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' 0
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
President George W Bush--I've called you reporters here to the White House today to announce the governments new energy policy. The government is going to build 12 new nuclear power plants around the country.
Reporter---But Mister President. We havent figured out yet what to do with all the nuclear waste we have now. What are we going to do with even more waste if you build these new plants?
Bush--We have thought about this problem and we have decided that once a month we will load all the waste onto a rocket and shoot it up to the sun.
Reporter--BUT MISTER PRESIDENT! The sun is too hot. That rocket wont get anywhere near the sun before it explodes. Showering the atmosphere with nuclear fallout!
Bush--Oh no sir! We've thought about that too. We are only going to shoot the rockets up at night!
I was ridding my Harley about 25 miles out side of town when it broke down. I managed to push it a mile to an old farm house just before it starts to rain real hard . The old farmer said “look young fella this rain is gonna keep up all night , you best stay here till morning and I’ take you in town early tomorrow.â€,. They were real poor folks all he and his young pretty wife had to give me was a piece of corn bread, His wife winked at me and cut me a piece of the best corn bread I’ve ever eaten , and the old guy said “we’ll save the rest for breakfast, we can all bed down here on the floor†the old man said, So the three of us all laid there with one flimsy blanket to keep warm. As soon as the light went out the young pretty wife started to nag the old man about hearing some thing out in the barn . He finally murmured “this is going to be a waste of twenty minutes†and went out to the barn. The pretty wife through off the blanket and winked at me and said “now's your chance†…. So I got up and got me another piece of that corn bread.
Johnny want to have s.x with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me *********."
But the girl said, "NO".
Johnny said, "Ill be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad,what's the big deal?" The man said.
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?" The man said.
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. "Some things you just can't explain."
What is it about people sharing humor that so rankles you? Your posts have been consistently negative, as if laughter is acid corroding your soul.
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Somethings you cant explain
