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ok my husband and I have been having a lot of trouble finding jobs where we are, and are having a lot of trouble with his family. We are considering moving out of state, and when we told his family, his sister and mother decided they wanted to come too. I'm not sure how i feel about this. I like his family, but didnt want our moving to become a family affair. Right now i think if I set boundaries on how close we will live near each other in a new city, that it will be good enough. But i dont know how i'd ever tell them i dont want them living near us. Especially since they want to move with us so they also get a better chance of jobs. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.
ok my husband and I have been having a lot of trouble finding jobs where we are, and are having a lot of trouble with his family. We are considering moving out of state, and when we told his family, his sister and mother decided they wanted to come too. I'm not sure how i feel about this. I like his family, but didnt want our moving to become a family affair. Right now i think if I set boundaries on how close we will live near each other in a new city, that it will be good enough. But i dont know how i'd ever tell them i dont want them living near us. Especially since they want to move with us so they also get a better chance of jobs. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.
Here's the thing...this is your husband's mother, your best bet is to have HIM deal with it. HE has to be the one to set some boundries and ground rules and he needs to speak up the sooner the better.
This was a big issue with my ex-fiance and I. He tends to be passive-aggressive, and really values his family. Unfortunately, they don't respect his desires or choices, no matter if they're good or not. We'd constantly get into arguments over especially his eldest sister's lack of respect for our relationship. Then again she is the most manipulative psycho cow I've ever met , but he'd never stand up to her and I'm not one to allow people to walk all over me or those I love. I'd of handled it, but I kind of feel like in a relationship, especially when it involves a man's family and friends... he needs to be the one to step up to the plate, and let them have it between the eyes.
Here's the thing...this is your husband's mother, your best bet is to have HIM deal with it. HE has to be the one to set some boundries and ground rules and he needs to speak up the sooner the better.
Yep. If you're the one putting your foot down, it's a no-win situation. Your husband needs to grow a backbone fast.
This isn't The Grapes of Wrath, and you're not the Joads all piling into the truck to California to find work picking lettuce. You're under enough stress in your life without them adding to your current misery.
Here's the thing...this is your husband's mother, your best bet is to have HIM deal with it. HE has to be the one to set some boundries and ground rules and he needs to speak up the sooner the better.
Mountains is right.
You need to speak to your husband and then have him speak to his family and set the boundries.. If you say something to them your going to come off as a B and that wont be good. But if he says something hopefully they will respect his wishes.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I definitly wouldnt say this to the in-laws. I agree that it wouldnt be right if I did. It is his family. It's something that I will have to talk to him about so he knows my position on the matter. I am trying to be understanding, because his family is having a lot of problems lately. I just want to make sure if we live in the same city that their problems don't become our problems. I don't see how I could say "no you can't move to the same city as us". I would never want to cut him off from his family. (Not to say they are right is assuming they can come) But i think if he places some boundaries, we will be able to enjoy being near each other. (or as much as you can with inlaws!)
You do have a good reason for them not to move. He can tell them that there is no guarantee you'll stay in the new area and may have to move again. Would they be willing to move 2-4 additional times? Go with the idea that they shouldn't move until you're settled after at least a year, and then never be fully settled.
First, you need to be honest and upfront ... COMMUNICATE with your husband exactly how this makes you feel, what you're comfortable with, etc. Next, you and your husband have to come up with a COMPROMISE on what will work for both sides. Is he ok with them making the move? Does he want them to? Is he ok with living a ways away from them?
The only to take on inlaws is to be at peace with your SO so that you are standing firm as a unit, not you vs his family.
The biggest concern I would have... how can you and your husband work on the "us" factor of your marriage if there is conflict that creates a wedge?
We made the out of state move away from both of our families. It was the biggest challenge we've ever faced as a couple. It is really, REALLY hard to move out of state - it is an emotional roller coaster. It helps a married couple learn to work together or it kills the marriage entirely. Bringing more into the mix means he might not be there to support you emotionally because he is distracted with them (and the emotional roller coaster they would also be experiencing with the move), and that could create some hostility. I know I personally wouldn't want to make the move with inlaws and I would try to work with my husband to come up with a good compromise we could both be happy with. For instance: "once we're established, you can come out to visit to see if you like the area"
I would say no way because what happens if they don't find jobs in the new place and then what happens? I think it's up to them though if they decide to move some place on their own -- they have that right of course. Including the same city you moved to - but I think the move shouldn't be all together.
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, but he'd never stand up to her and I'm not one to allow people to walk all over me or those I love. I'd of handled it, but I kind of feel like in a relationship, especially when it involves a man's family and friends... he needs to be the one to step up to the plate, and let them have it between the eyes.
