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Why does choosing the bachelor's life equate in some people's minds with a hatred of women, or worse, membership or at least some form of identification with an organisation we don't mention (TM)?
Neither are true in my case, and I certainly hope none of my posts here have been mistaken for any kind of gender bashing. I own my choice not to become romantically involved with or commit to anyone, and I have never blamed people of the preferred gender for guiding me towards it. I made the decision off my own back and for my own benefit, as well as that of anyone who may at some point show interest in me.
All too often I hear that because I don't date I must have a problem with the opposite sex. I've even been told that I need to 'address where my hatred of women comes from.' That could be a problem when I have nothing of the kind. I like women tremendously and enjoy their company. What I don't like is the way romantic relationships are perceived and presented in our culture and I'll have no part of it.
Our friend Millennial Urbanist often writes about his concerns surrounding giving up his freedom and hobbies for the sake of a partner. I'm in the same boat, but I don't look at it from a perspective of 'men do x and women do y, and for a relationship to work they must do z.' Rather, I put my own needs and goals ahead of anything a relationship might offer me, and willingly abandon the latter in pursuit of the former.
I will cop to accusations of selfishness because I consider solitude a fair price to pay for it. Anyone who thinks I harbour any ill feeling or resentment towards an entire gender because of a choice I willingly made is mistaken or needs to exercise their grey matter a little more.
Why does choosing the bachelor's life equate in some people's minds with a hatred of women, or worse, membership or at least some form of identification with an organisation we don't mention (TM)?
Neither are true in my case, and I certainly hope none of my posts here have been mistaken for any kind of gender bashing. I own my choice not to become romantically involved with or commit to anyone, and I have never blamed people of the preferred gender for guiding me towards it. I made the decision off my own back and for my own benefit, as well as that of anyone who may at some point show interest in me.
All too often I hear that because I don't date I must have a problem with the opposite sex. I've even been told that I need to 'address where my hatred of women comes from.' That could be a problem when I have nothing of the kind. I like women tremendously and enjoy their company. What I don't like is the way romantic relationships are perceived and presented in our culture and I'll have no part of it.
Our friend Millennial Urbanist often writes about his concerns surrounding giving up his freedom and hobbies for the sake of a partner. I'm in the same boat, but I don't look at it from a perspective of 'men do x and women do y, and for a relationship to work they must do z.' Rather, I put my own needs and goals ahead of anything a relationship might offer me, and willingly abandon the latter in pursuit of the former.
I will cop to accusations of selfishness because I consider solitude a fair price to pay for it. Anyone who thinks I harbour any ill feeling or resentment towards an entire gender because of a choice I willingly made is mistaken or needs to exercise their grey matter a little more.
Pretend you're the person who is responding to your post about your love of bachelorhood. Pretend you're them, accusing you of hatred of women, or whatever. Ask yourself "What would I have to believe about myself or my relationship with this post in order to be responding the way I am?"
Why would someone feel offended by your desire to remain a bachelor and love your solitary life and forsake relationships?
It would be someone who feels threatened at the idea of being single. If it's a female, it might be someone who fears that if they were looking for a mate, or if they are currently looking, that you represent "all the men they can't have, that aren't available". If that makes sense. To a person who has lack and scarcity issues, they cannot help but have an idea that the more of something that exists, the better their chance of getting it. If they want a male mate, and you're male, and reject mating...unconsciously, you are rejecting them and what they want, because you have chosen what you want and it's not what they want.
Let's flip it around. It's why you see many posts from men who are upset that they can't get an attractive woman. They feel it's the women's fault, for being fat or ugly. The idea being..."if so many women weren't fat and ugly, I'd get a good-looking one, because I'd have more good-lookers to choose from." It makes logical sense to them, even though it's not really true...there would just be a different measure of what they can't have, if it weren't fatness or ugliness.
If something is important to someone, and they don't feel secure in their ability to have what they need, then anyone who goes against that feels threatening. It is a real life example of scarcity, and withholding. But this is, in most people, a very unconscious reaction. So they themselves won't even be able to tell you why they think you hate women. They just know you must. This is easier to express than the fear or anger they're really feeling. The hatred in themselves that they believe they need someone else to agree with them in order to get what they want, turned outward rather than inward. Much less painful that way.
The best thing to do is examine in yourself if there's an element of truth to what they are saying. IME, if something someone says bothers me, there's a grain of truth in there somewhere. Otherwise, I never care what people think. If I know I don't hate women (per your example), then if someone accuses me of hating women, I just think they look like they are arguing with themselves into the wind...it has that little effect on me. I see it, but it doesn't cause any kind of uncomfortable reaction within me. But if some part of knows that what they are saying is true, then I'm bothered. Or it might be that I discover I was looking for validation of my choice...approval seeking. Either way, my negative feelings (the fact that I'm bothered) always alerts me to what's really going on. And then I can clear it up and once it's gone...it's gone forever!
l dunno wtf is wrong with people all over the internet . How the hell does everyone even know you don't date ?
l don't date , l've never effg dated in my life, l was married 20 yrs and before that l always had gf's , which is non of anyones effg business anyway.
Why do people even date anyway , if your dating you dunno wth you think of her and if you dunno wth you think of her then believe me your wasting your time dating her unless you just want some fun.
As far as what everyone calls you , who effg cares, it's all bs. You can be or live however you please it's no ones business but yours even if you were selfish as they say , so what. Until someone comes along that makes you wanna be different and live as two.
All these labels for guys , for crying out loud. Everyday we read a new one.
The commitment phobe one is the joke of the century . Because we didn't love her and so weren't stupid enough to go marry her, we have some commitment problem .
Live how you wanna live man , until further notice.
Far too many of the (unsolicited) conversations I've had on the subject go something like this:
'Oh, you're single? How come?'
'Because I choose to be.'
'But whhhhyyyyyyy? Everyone wants to be happy, and the only way for a mature adult to be happy is to complicate your life by having someone else in it. If you don't want that you must have had a horrible childhood or be on the autism spectrum. You need therapy.'
I place not a jot of importance on these sorts of opinions, but the same old chorus is getting very old and tiresome. When did everyone turn into armchair psychoanalysts and display such a crippling lack of imagination, and why do my life choices, which harm no-one, so perplex them that they feel obliged to speculate on my reasons for making them?
What puzzles (and I use the word 'puzzles' in the technical sense of 'really, really irritates me') is that for decades it was a total non issue. As I approached and eventually passed forty, everyone thought it was their business to chime in with all sorts of advice designed to help me drink the Kool Aid and get with the programme. Even friends who claim to respect my decisions are at it.
My family mercifully seem to have given up the crusade, although I'm told there was some concern over the lack of 'an appropriate female' at our Christmas table last year. Also, my father recently sent me three volumes of autobiography by Alan Marshall and asked, with a pointed look over the top of his glasses, if I'd reached the end of the second one where 'he feels he should be married.' I changed the subject.
People are effg weird , l suppose to depends where and how you live is a huge part in things like that too and if your around the standard Jones expectations and mentalities.
This countries not bad for stuff like that there's plenty of people live alone or whatever or different, no one bats an eyelid.
Although where l'm living now is mostly married or families, they likely wondering behind my back but hey l came here after being married 20yrs so no one knows shyt about me here anyway.
Family wise l've got 3 single sisters in their 40s and 2 single brothers so , and hey they all live at least 3 hours, bonus.
It's no one's business why someone chooses the bachelor life. Some women are quick to use shaming tactics when a man chooses the bachelor life, such as: Who hurt you? You must hate women, you hate your mother, etc. Those shame tactics don't phase me because all they do is confirm I made the RIGHT decision. Those women are usually jealous because no man would look their way.
Quote:
The best thing to do is examine in yourself if there's an element of truth to what they are saying. IME, if something someone says bothers me, there's a grain of truth in there somewhere. Otherwise, I never care what people think. If I know I don't hate women (per your example), then if someone accuses me of hating women, I just think they look like they are arguing with themselves into the wind...it has that little effect on me. I see it, but it doesn't cause any kind of uncomfortable reaction within me. But if some part of knows that what they are saying is true, then I'm bothered. Or it might be that I discover I was looking for validation of my choice...approval seeking.
People need to mind their business and live/let live. If someone wants to remain single, it doesn't mean they have commitment issues or they're on the "autism spectrum" Maybe they value their peace of mind over having to deal with someone's nonsense. Let's be real, some women just aren't worth the headache.
Maybe they value their peace of mind over having to deal with someone's nonsense.
This is the essence of what I'm trying to say. I keep people, both kinds of people, at arm's length because I want my life to be simple. The biggest concern I have is that a relationship wouldn't allow that, and I'd rather opt out altogether than let someone down.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
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The real question is why the heck people that aren't interested in relationships feel such a strong need to post about relationship forums.
THIS is what makes people understand there is more to the story than just not being interested. If someone truly wasn't just not interested, they wouldn't be talking about it, posting about, harping on it. They'd just go one with their life.
The real question is why the heck people that aren't interested in relationships feel such a strong need to post about relationship forums.
THIS is what makes people understand there is more to the story than just not being interested. If someone truly wasn't just not interested, they wouldn't be talking about it, posting about, harping on it. They'd just go one with their life.
Or perhaps take it to the psychology or even the philosophy forum.
We probably all have our own thoughts about why he keeps reiterating his supposed disinterest here.
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