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Cremebrulee and Amanda: What about stringing one's spouse along and treating them like crap without cheating on them? Is there an excuse for that? What about breaking your spouse's heart by simply being utterly indifferent? Is there an excuse for that? What about selfishly doing what you want to do without ever considering your partner's feelings -- just short of cheating -- is there an excuse for that?
No excuses for any of that. Like I said- if feelings disappear, it's best to end everything before anyone gets hurt even more.
Being indifferent is, to me, sort of cowardly. Why not confront your partner on these issues instead of avoiding them and not wanting to talk about them? Being passive aggressive never solves anything, and it puts the other person in an awkward situation.
amanda are you a mother and a wife? Could you imagine being ignored emotionally and physically over several years? Would you quickly decide to divide mom and dad. Can you not at least see how it happens?
I don't think anyone here is saying it is the answer or even a good thing to do. Look at all of the posts as a learning experience. Take from it what you can.
I can understand why it happens, but I don't think it's right. I am an unmarried mother (my son's father and I split a long time ago), and the reasons I split with him were similar to what has been said in this thread- I felt unappreciated and unloved, and I told him I was unhappy before he had a chance to cheat on me. At least, I don't think he cheated on me. And not once did I think of staying together for my son's sake. To me, that is a huge mistake. It's better to raise a kid by yourself and be happy than to have to put up with emotional abuse and possible cheating just becuase you want to keep your family whole.
cheating is like lying to, badmouthing or beating your partner. and all that behaviour is unacceptable in a relationship because it shows great disrespect.
how can someone have a fulfilling relationship that is not based on respect?
cheating is not very respectful. we all deserve a partner that respects us.
respect yourself enough to know that.
but cheaters come in all colors shapes and sizes. beware!
I can understand why it happens, but I don't think it's right. I am an unmarried mother (my son's father and I split a long time ago), and the reasons I split with him were similar to what has been said in this thread- I felt unappreciated and unloved, and I told him I was unhappy before he had a chance to cheat on me. At least, I don't think he cheated on me. And not once did I think of staying together for my son's sake. To me, that is a huge mistake. It's better to raise a kid by yourself and be happy than to have to put up with emotional abuse and possible cheating just becuase you want to keep your family whole.
Your right but I know I can not win custody. My wife is a half step from being a bad mother. There is NO way I can leave them in her care just to make my life happier. I would have left years ago if I thought I could win a custody battle.
Cremebrulee and Amanda: What about stringing one's spouse along and treating them like crap without cheating on them? Is there an excuse for that? What about breaking your spouse's heart by simply being utterly indifferent? Is there an excuse for that? What about selfishly doing what you want to do without ever considering your partner's feelings -- just short of cheating -- is there an excuse for that?
Well said. Why aren't the people doing the abandoning running to the courthouse to end the marriage? If you no longer have an interest in living as the husband/wife you commited to being, you have an obligation to communicate that to your spouse and work on it or walk.
It has become the norm to take your spouse/SO for granted. It's ridiculous. There are couples out there who work, have children and crazy schedules who make it a point to make time for one another. People withhold affection and stop communicating and expect the other to live with it in the spirit of "for better or worse". THAT is selfish. Did they think of the kids and the family unit when they stopped being a spouse? They are not victims in this scenario, they are contributors to the failure of their marriage.
I recently read about an amazing social experiment, where personal ads were placed describing average height, weight people ya know nothing special, average income. These ads were written as if married in an unhealthy relationship and looking for a safe sexual venue longterm with no games. These ads got more response than the average single persons ad.
If I had kids with the person who cheated on me, that would change everything. If I did stay, it would only be for the kids.
Book Lover 21,
Did you read my entire post? Where in my post do I assume that every cheater has not made their feelings known? I never said that's always the case. But I do think it happens where the cheater either doesn't make their feelings known or they do it in a passive-aggressive way. In your case, you made your feelings clear to you husband and he made no effort to change. But that still doesn't justify cheating. I can't believe you think divorcing over a lack of sex is silly. A healthy sex life is a vital ingredient to a happy marriage. If your partner isn't making you happy and isn't working to fix things, that's grounds for ending the marriage.
Redisca,
I'll ask you the same question. Did you bother to read my entire post? Where does it say that I assume in ALL cases of abandonment, the person who was abandoned never made their feelings clear? I never said it happens in every instance. But I do think it happens in a lot of marriages. I agree that it's impossible to talk to someone who's shut you out. But that still doesn't justify cheating. I love how you use the word ALWAYS, telling me that I think abandonment is ALWAYS a transient problem. Please don't attribute a generalization to me that I haven't made. And for the marriages where loss of affection went on for years and the person eventually did realize they were neglecting their partner's needs, why was it allowed to go on for that long? If I was married and my wife was ignoring my needs, I wouldn't tolerate it for years. If she refused to listen to me everytime I wanted to talk about it, I'd get out. I make no excuses for emotional abandonment and anyone who's guilty of it deserves to be served with papers. As for why that person doesn't just end the marriage themselves, they should since they're clearly not putting in the effort. But that's a separate issue. His not being able to end the marriage doesn't mean you can't either. These days, people throw in the towel too quickly, but in a lot of cases, it's the right thing to do. But some people are too chicken to do it. The guy who neglects his wife may admit to himself he's a lousy husband. But he's too chicken to end it. Same with the wife who'd rather cheat than declare it over. The only case, THE ONLY CASE, where I would say it's OK to stay with someone like that is if you have kids. But even then, I'm not sure I would. Kids are pretty perceptive. They know when their parents are unhappy. I still don't equate abandonment with cheating. Is it cruel? Absolutely. Is it sometimes done knowingly? Yes. But two wrongs don't make a right. But in answer to your last question about the spouse denying his partner the benefits of intimacy and then insisting that partner not seek them elsewhere, it's not about whether he has the right to ask that. It's about you agreeing to stay in the marriage. You have the option to leave, but you chose to stay, whether it's for your kids or some other reason. But you have to take responsibility for that decision and deal with the consequences. You said that the partner who abandons you and never considers your feelings is selfish. Well, aren't you being just as selfish by running to someone else, potentially making your marriage even worse if you ever got caught? Imagine if your kids found out that their mom was cheating on their dad. Imagine the scars that would leave them with? To risk that, now that's selfish!
That is all easy to say... so ok fine I will spill it.
I tell me wife in year 3 of 11 years married, you are acting different lately. You don't seem to be as involved in our friends or even our toddlers day to day life. I thought maybe this was some kind of lay over post partum or something. She says I am sorry I will work on it. 3 weeks later I have seen one or two instances where she has put forth effort. A week or so maybe a month goes by with hit and miss effort. I say again hey this is still mostly a problem. I get accused of excpecting her to change over night. Ok no problem I let 3 months go by and now it is back to where it was before I mentioned it. I tell her in a different way we need you to be more involved. We need to get you smiling and laughing. She says ok I will work on it. More drama WE get pregnant a second time, I went and had a vasectomy. Second child while she is supposed to be on birth control. She gets promoted her schedule is busy no time to talk another year goes by then another with little shows of effort to placate me and try to do just enough. It is never fast it is always over time.
If that is not a choice on her part I don't know what is. When I told her I was ending an affair she wanted to be like you can't say anything about what I(the wife) have done you cheated on me. Like that made whatever she had done OK.
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