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Okay, I've got a genuine question for those who occasionally have sex "early on." As far as I am aware, accepted wisdom with dating is that it is not exclusive until (1) Some discussion is had on the topic ("are you seeing anyone else?") or (2) You and your date "officially" begin an exclusive bf/gf relationship. Thus, it is not uncommon for people in the early stages of dating to see multiple people - a date on Wednesday and a lunch date with someone else on Saturday, for example. Clearly, when sex is not involved, someone has no right to demand exclusivity after one or even several dates (absent agreement of both parties, obviously )
My question is, does having sex change this formulation? For example, do you demand exclusivity if you have sex with someone on an early date? Do you *assume* exclusivity if you have sex with someone on an early date? If yes to either, do you discuss this with your date before and/or after the sex? And note, I'm not passing judgment on having sex early, I'm genuinely curious!
For arguments sake, a hypothetical:
Stage 1) I meet two girls I think I may be interested in - Sally and Laura. I set up dates with each. I have dinner with Sally on Wednesday. The date goes extremely well, and afterward, Sally and I have sex. On Saturday, I go on a lunch date with Laura. No sex after.
Have I done anything "wrong" in Stage 1?
Stage 2) I continue to date both girls. Over a period of two weeks, Sally and I go out 3 times and have sex each time. I go on a date with Laura twice in the 2 weeks, but don't have sex with her. There is no discussion of exclusivity with either woman. There is no discussion with either woman about whether or not we are seeing other people (she doesn't ask me, I don't ask her, neither of us brings it up).
Have I done anything "wrong" in Stage 2?
Stage 3) A recap: Its now "week 4." I've gone on 4 total dates with Sally and had sex with her 4 times. I've been on 3 dates with Laura and not had sex with her. In week 4, I go out with Sally, and as has become our practice, we have sex. I go out with Laura twice this week, and we finally have sex and we do it after both dates. As before, there is no discussion of exclusivity or whether or not we are seeing other people (she doesn't ask me, I don't ask her, neither of us brings it up).
Have I done anything "wrong" in Stage 3?
Clearly, absent sex, the answer would be "No" to all 3 stages. So, does the sex change things? Do I have a "duty" to bring up the fact I'm seeing other people once sex becomes involved, or do the normal rules of dating pretty much apply?
I think you should be clear to both of them that your situation isn't exclusive, whether there's sex involved or not...
basic courtesy, rather than "right vs. wrong"
I think you should be clear to both of them that your situation isn't exclusive, whether there's sex involved or not...
basic courtesy, rather than "right vs. wrong"
Interesting. In a non-sexual situation, I'd have to disagree honestly. I don't think anyone expects exclusivity when you're just meeting them for effectively the first time on a first date at dinner. I would assume a woman I was meeting for the first time was seeing, or was open to seeing, other guys as well. That being said, I wouldn't particularly want her to say on our first date "by the way, I'm seeing other people too." If she did, I'd take the fact that she felt it necessary to bring it up as code for "I'm not into you, there won't be a second date."
To me, at least in non-sexual situations, non-exclusivity is assumed early on, but its not something that should or needs to be discussed. That's just me though.
Its from the female perspective obviously, but is interesting. It clearly suggests that the same rules apply - absent discussion of exclusivity its not exclusive - BUT, naturally, if asked, you must be honest (which to me is a given).
On your question of the two...Sally is the person who is willing to have any sex any time she is on a date. She was just plain easy and sex minded.
Case in point;
While in college I was the equipment mgr on the football team. Doing my thing in the equipment room next to the locker room and shower room there were these guys (3-5 or more by the voices) discussing a certain girl. One said he had asked her to the fri football game. On mon they were talking about the date and he said that he had sex with her. Another said that he would also ask her for the following fri game. Mon...same thing...2nd male also said he had sex with the girl and they compared notes with the other guys listening in.
Long story is that every one of the guys had sex with the same girl each fri after the ball game. They were discussing and comparing notes so it was all true and no bull.
As to your situation...it only shows that all (most) females are inclined to have any sex after 1-3 dates providing the date goes well.
As to my story...it is true...happened in 1953 in Calif while I was going to college on the GI Bill. Steve
Stage 3) A recap: Its now "week 4." I've gone on 4 total dates with Sally and had sex with her 4 times. I've been on 3 dates with Laura and not had sex with her. In week 4, I go out with Sally, and as has become our practice, we have sex. I go out with Laura twice this week, and we finally have sex and we do it after both dates. As before, there is no discussion of exclusivity or whether or not we are seeing other people (she doesn't ask me, I don't ask her, neither of us brings it up).
Dang, you stud! Keep it up (pun intended)! Forget all the philosophy BS.
Dang, you stud! Keep it up (pun intended)! Forget all the philosophy BS.
LOL dude. HYPOTHETICAL. If I was having that much sex I would not be posting so much here . Actually I'm not even really dating right now... I'm job searching (kill me). This question was one more of curiosity and for future reference .
On your question of the two...Sally is the person who is willing to have any sex any time she is on a date. She was just plain easy and sex minded.
Case in point;
While in college I was the equipment mgr on the football team. Doing my thing in the equipment room next to the locker room and shower room there were these guys (3-5 or more by the voices) discussing a certain girl. One said he had asked her to the fri football game. On mon they were talking about the date and he said that he had sex with her. Another said that he would also ask her for the following fri game. Mon...same thing...2nd male also said he had sex with the girl and they compared notes with the other guys listening in.
Long story is that every one of the guys had sex with the same girl each fri after the ball game. They were discussing and comparing notes so it was all true and no bull.
As to your situation...it only shows that all (most) females are inclined to have any sex after 1-3 dates providing the date goes well.
As to my story...it is true...happened in 1953 in Calif while I was going to college on the GI Bill. Steve
From my experiences, all girls are sluts as long as you pass xyz requirements.
Most of those requirements revolved around money,power, fame, or looks. If you are doctor, you are in. If you are a lawyer, you are in. If you are a football player, you are in. If you work the night shift as a janitor, sorry but YOU have to wait. Everyone else didn't have to go on the 15 dates, spend thousands of dollars but YOU have to. Everyone else got a front of the line pass, except YOU. Remember that guys, don't play her little games. If she isn't into you, move on. It is a red flag.
If the girl is making you wait, generally speaking, she is not really sexually attracted to you. Otherwise she would have made some sort of move.
just talking? not exclusive, don't need to talk about it with anyone I date
just going out? (dinner, movie, no touching except a hug or short kiss) not exclusive, don't need to talk about it with anyone I date
touching and long kissing including sexual touching?
before I have sex with anyone, we have to both agree to monogamy, and that includes not only not sleeping with anyone else, but not dating anyone else either. We both have to agree to be off the dating market entirely.
and I have to know him well enough and trust him well enough that I believe him
if a guy won't agree to monogamy (no dating anyone else, no sleeping with anyone else), i don't sleep with him
if he agrees to monogamy but I don't trust him or believe him, i don't sleep with him
the whole monogamy conversation, is part of the safe sex conversation, which also has to happen before I sleep with him
So if a guy won't go through the safe sex conversation, and the full panel STD testing, and the waiting weeks or months for the test results, and the not sleeping with anyone else while waiting for the test results, and the birth control discussion, and the sexual history, i don't sleep with him either
Sex makes all the difference. to me if your sleeping with one person it should have to be declared that you still want to see other people, instead of sleeping with other people until exclusivity is declared. Ive had personal experience with this and I say its not okay to sleep around just because you haven't technically said its exclusive. Long story short I dated a girl for about 6 months, and right before the end of the semester she decided in a drunken state in the middle of a party to take me aside so we could "talk". she confessed that she had slept with this other guy after we had been seeing each other for over a month. her defense was that I had not made it exclusive yet, my defense was I did not think I had to make a clear declaration just to stop her from sleeping around.
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Forget all the philosophy BS.
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