Why do many women rush to "define" a relationship? (dating, wife)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
After reading many different threads on this board, thinking of my friends' love lives, and reflecting on my own experiences, I realize how many women like to define what a relationship is very early on.
Why?
Why can't you just run with something and see where it goes? To me it seems very insecure to have to need to label someone as a boyfriend or girlfriend, or to want to have a roadmap for this relationship at its early stages.
For example, I was involved with my female friend and when she stopped seeing me to date some other guy who had better long-term prospect (in her eyes at least), people rushed to say it was because I failed to make it clear for her what we "were" to each other. Some other guy on this forum had the girl do the "us" conversation after one month of dating, and his play-it-safe answer led to their eventual breakup. I mean, come on!
Look, I understand if a woman is in her 30s and looking to get married- she might not want to waste time with dead-end guys. However, I'm in my early 20s and I think romance is best when it runs off on its own and is not negotiated and defined like a contract.
Hopefully, I won't get flak for generalizing too much- I KNOW everyone is not like this.
After reading many different threads on this board, thinking of my friends' love lives, and reflecting on my own experiences, I realize how many women like to define what a relationship is very early on.
Why?
Why can't you just run with something and see where it goes? To me it seems very insecure to have to need to label someone as a boyfriend or girlfriend, or to want to have a roadmap for this relationship at its early stages.
For example, I was involved with my female friend and when she stopped seeing me to date some other guy who had better long-term prospect (in her eyes at least), people rushed to say it was because I failed to make it clear for her what we "were" to each other. Some other guy on this forum had the girl do the "us" conversation after one month of dating, and his play-it-safe answer led to their eventual breakup. I mean, come on!
Look, I understand if a woman is in her 30s and looking to get married- she might not want to waste time with dead-end guys. However, I'm in my early 20s and I think romance is best when it runs off on its own and is not negotiated and defined like a contract.
Hopefully, I won't get flak for generalizing too much- I KNOW everyone is not like this.
Mostly because they want to know what their future holds. If I'm 25 and I just run with it and the relationship goes nowhere in 5 years, I'm 30 and my biological clock is ticking. Truth is, we only have so many years to find a mate if we want children. Now, if you don't want kids, then hey, run with it until you're 95.
Yeah, I hear the clock one all the time, even from college-age women. But how will you know it won't develop into something serious down the road?
If a girl I've been dating for a few months started talking about the future and children that would be a huge alarm bell to the get the hell out. It's not just me being a stereotypical guy- it's also that if someone gets attached so quickly that's not a good sign.
It seems to me that in recent years, if a woman doesn't question the man's intentions early on, she gets taken advantage for just sexual favours. When the man isn't asked by the woman to think about the seriousness of the dates, he usually defaults to an FWB mode. And later on it becomes the woman's fault for not saying that she wanted to be considered as a possible girlfriend rather than just a mere plaything. And with most men, they would never turn away a woman's interest and offered sexual favours. In terms of who they are willing to have a love relationship or marriage with, their standard are higher. But a man will never be honest with a woman and come right out and say that she's a "butterface" and isn't girlfriend material, and only good enough for an FWB.
Some women feel the subtle need to compare themselves to popular notions of what a relationship should be like.
It's mostly the media's fault, and many people are very impressionable, but I believe it's also a gender pressure that we men do not experience or understand. We can screw around with one or more girls and most people wouldn't really care, but a girl who sex with a guy who's not considered her boyfriend by others might be chastised by her peers.
After reading many different threads on this board, thinking of my friends' love lives, and reflecting on my own experiences, I realize how many women like to define what a relationship is very early on.
Because women, by pure biology forced into having much higher stakes in a rel. The specter of pregnancy always looms over, there is no contraception method that gives you the whole of 100% guarantee. It's much easier for a man to walk out of it if it does not work out. I was lucky enough to spend every minute of my wife's pregnancy very close to her, knowing every update first hand, every change, that gave me some idea of just how important this degree of ownership really is. When she first felt "like a butterfly flying inside me" till we disputed what's bulging out now - a head, a butt, a knee or an elbow till that memorable question from the nurse - "do you want to hold him now?"... You never know till you experience it.
Per nature, the men are conditioned to "spread (scatter) the seed", women to gather. Hence the diff. Hence the burning question - where the heck this one goes..
I realize how many women like to define what a relationship is very early on. Why?
Why can't you just run with something and see where it goes? To me it seems very insecure to have to need to label someone as a boyfriend or girlfriend, or to want to have a roadmap for this relationship at its early stages.
I think romance is best when it runs off on its own and is not negotiated and defined like a contract.
because phrases like "run with something and see where it goes" often are "code words" for "sleep with you, dump you, and not have to feel bad about it" or "sleep with you, dump you, and go back to my wife" or "sleep with you, dump you, and not have to tell you I have herpes"
or "sleep with you, dump you, and have no intention of every seeing you again because I really just want someplace to stick it, you or the next girl, it doesn't matter to me" or "sleep with you, dump you, and not have to talk, because all i really want is someone that isn't going to want to TALK can't we just f---"
it's called being honest about your motives, it's called clear communication, it's called getting something out in the open and up front, rather than hiding behind smarmy phrases like "romance is best when it is not negotiated and defined like a contract"
such as are you looking for a one night stand? am I one of 42 women you have slept with in the last year? are you married?
call a gal "insecure" but those things are not really fun, and get really old after awhile. So when someone asks you about your intentions up front, it's actually "maturity" and "responsibility" and "wisdom" to be able to engage in those kinds of conversations. And likewise the aversion to those conversations, generally indicates a glaring and blatant lack of the aforementioned maturity, responsibility, and wisdom.
because phrases like "run with something and see where it goes" often are "code words" for "sleep with you, dump you, and not have to feel bad about it" or "sleep with you, dump you, and go back to my wife" or "sleep with you, dump you, and not have to tell you I have herpes"
or "sleep with you, dump you, and have no intention of every seeing you again because I really just want someplace to stick it, you or the next girl, it doesn't matter to me" or "sleep with you, dump you, and not have to talk, because all i really want is someone that isn't going to want to TALK can't we just f---"
it's called being honest about your motives, it's called clear communication, it's called getting something out in the open and up front, rather than hiding behind smarmy phrases like "romance is best when it is not negotiated and defined like a contract"
such as are you looking for a one night stand? am I one of 42 women you have slept with in the last year? are you married?
call a gal "insecure" but those things are not really fun, and get really old after awhile. So when someone asks you about your intentions up front, it's actually "maturity" and "responsibility" and "wisdom" to be able to engage in those kinds of conversations. And likewise the aversion to those conversations, generally indicates a glaring and blatant lack of the aforementioned maturity, responsibility, and wisdom.
You're making some seriously bold assumptions in your post. I'm nothing like that. You also sound bitter as hell- I'm sorry if some guy screwed you over in the past.
My issue with all of this is, what if after a few months of dating I like the girl and want to see where this goes and how it develops, but I don't love her heads over heels? Suddenly, she drops some serious relationship questions. If I'm honest, I risk the girl leaving if she wants more and doesn't get the answer she wants. Does that mean I have to exaggerate/lie so we can stay together?
You're making some seriously bold assumptions in your post. I'm nothing like that. You also sound bitter as hell- I'm sorry if some guy screwed you over in the past.
My issue with all of this is, what if after a few months of dating I like the girl and want to see where this goes and how it develops, but I don't love her heads over heels? Suddenly, she drops some serious relationship questions. If I'm honest, I risk the girl leaving if she wants more and doesn't get the answer she wants. Does that mean I have to exaggerate/lie so we can stay together?
If after a few months, you haven't fallen in love with this girl and never will, the honorable thing to do would be to break up with her so that she can look for a man that will love her. Why would you keep dating a girl for months and years if you aren't in love with her and have no desire to marry her? Just for the convenience of having a regular date and being able to sleep with her?
As it is, under your scenario, it doesn't sound like you'd ever eventually fall in love with her. If you don't have a crush on her during the first few months, it's not going to happen. So just cut her loose.
If after a few months, you haven't fallen in love with this girl and never will, the honorable thing to do would be to break up with her so that she can look for a man that will love her. Why would you keep dating a girl for months and years if you aren't in love with her and have no desire to marry her? Just for the convenience of having a regular date and being able to sleep with her?
As it is, under your scenario, it doesn't sound like you'd ever eventually fall in love with her. If you don't have a crush on her during the first few months, it's not going to happen. So just cut her loose.
Maybe you desire a girlfriend/boyfriend for mutual affection and companionship? It's not just sex.
Also, I wasn't aware people fall in love so quickly. I've always gone under the whole "a candle that burns too quickly from both ends goes out quicker" thing. How many intense relationships have you seen or heard of where both parties crush early and crush hard and end up fizzling when the spark and lust is gone?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
... You never know till you experience it.
