Why risk a relationship to stay friends with someone who likes you? (wife, boyfriend)
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I've been in a serious relationship for 3 years. We were best friends for 4 years and then it evolved into a relationship. My girlfriend is really outgoing, very social and loves to be around people and meeting new people. Lately, she met this guy, lets call him TOM, that told her he likes her and he asked her out on a date. She told me about it and she told him that she is in a relationship and that they can be friends though. They've been friends for more than 6 months now. I felt uncomfortable about it at the beginning because I went to a party with her and he was there. I saw him check her out so many times when she would walk by him. It was just so uncomfortable for me. I let it go because I trust my girlfriend and I know she wouldn't do anything.
2 weeks ago, we were hanging out on the couch and watching something on her phone.
Suddenly, a message pops up and its her ex-boyfriend and another message pops up and its another guy that I know likes her. She didn't tell me that she wasn't talking to them and I confronted her about it and she said, they texted her and she was just responding and she is sorry. So I let it go, however I lost a little bit trust towards her.
Going Back to Tom, he invites her to every single thing he does. Last week, I was very stressed out and I had an exam to study for. By the way, I'm 25, she's 27. I'm pursuing a masters and working at the same time.
Anyways, she knows how stressed out I was and that I have to study and still asks me if I wanted to go camping with her and Tom and his cousins. She doesn't know anyone except TOM. She told me that because I have to study, she doesn't feel guilty about leaving. Btw, she always plans stuff with her friends, then she asks me if I can come. If I can't, well too bad, she already planned it so she's going. I'm a pretty organized guy, so I always plan my week so that I have time for her and she told that she loves that about me.
Now that she's back from camping, I'm getting a weird vibe. She is usually very sweet and calls me all the time and texts me in the morning. But I'm sensing something different. After I got out of my exam
(really really important exam), which ended at 4pm and she knew it would end at 4, she called me at 11 pm asking me how the exam went. I just feel that she is being distant, and I don't know what to make of it.
Well...IMO, I wouldn't say anything for now. The weird vibe you're feeling MIGHT be in your head. But that said, you've had several instances of red flags, so that should be taken into consideration.
But...we don't know you. Maybe you're the jealous type...and if we heard her side of things, the story would sound different. I'm just sayin. I tend to believe you as you've laid things out...but heck...maybe you're over reacting. (I'm not saying you are, just trying to see both sides.)
But the thing is...you don't trust her. WHOEVER is at fault...you don't trust her. Relationships don't last long when there's no trust.
(For what it's worth, I would NOT be happy if my boyfriend decided to take a girl camping, claiming she's just a friend. Nope. Not happy at all.)
It's naive of her to let this guy in, knowing that he's into her, and going camping with him was just a stupid choice for her to make. You're right to be suspicious. Sorry this is happening.
I'm usually one to argue that people need to trust one another, not snoop electronics, and that women and men can totally be friends and it doesn't have to mean that it's on some path to a cheating event.
But.
I have learned to go a bit further in what I say on that. Yeah, men and women can be friends, even if someone has an attraction...but ONLY when there are really good boundaries there. Mine are usually about not setting up circumstances that facilitate the development of intimacy. Privacy, for one thing. I have tons of male friends, and I know some are attracted to me, and whether or not they've expressed that in some way...I am not alone with them. I see them at social events where tons of people are. My partner is often there, too. I'm not ALONE with them.
I once made an exception to that. A friend was stuck in a city due to car trouble and was staying in the same hotel as me. He begged and pleaded, since he'd have to share a bed with a bandmate, to be permitted to stay in my room, which had 2 beds. I eventually did relent, but I was on high alert the whole time. He did try to crawl in bed with me and I ordered him back to his side of the room. I knew him well enough to know he was not the kind of guy to FORCE himself on a woman who clearly said NO and I kept a very clear NO position the entire time. I didn't flirt, I didn't let him for one second have the idea I might be persuadable. Yet when I told my husband, he still (to this day) thinks we had sex. Oh, well, guess I don't blame him but I don't really care either. I didn't sleep much that night because I was too paranoid about the guy trying something and needing to keep my boundaries up.
But see, that was not planned. I never would have planned that. Planning a camping trip, where you know there will be opportunities, knowing full well your partner might not be able to go and you're totally going anyways... I mean, women usually do have some clue when a guy is into us. Frankly, I would have my suspicions, too. I'm not saying something DID happen on the camping trip, but she sure as heck set it up to be possible!
So either she is open to the idea of infidelity, or she has really bad boundaries. Either way, it's definitely a concern.
ok so I'm not crazy. I've never been a controlling boyfriend or a jealous boyfriend. And now I'm getting these concerns but I guess they're justifiable.
ok so I'm not crazy. I've never been a controlling boyfriend or a jealous boyfriend. And now I'm getting these concerns but I guess they're justifiable.
What are you going to do?
You don't have to be controlling, but you also don't have to stand there and be disrespected.
You can't leave any ambiguity about how you feel about this. Is she naive in general, or does she just assume that you're gonna not say anything and "be busy" while she hangs out with this guy she KNOWS is into her?
ok so I'm not crazy. I've never been a controlling boyfriend or a jealous boyfriend. And now I'm getting these concerns but I guess they're justifiable.
So you know where I am coming from...
I've been poly, I'm not averse to open relationships. But HONESTY is everything to me. I'm all about trust.
In your shoes, I'd want a serious sit-down with my partner. MY take would be, "Look...in my book, interest in other people isn't a relationship ending event, but dishonesty really is. I need to know where you stand, and if you have nothing but friendship and intentions of friendship with these guys, I have to tell you that your lack of boundaries with them is really bothering me. And it's not going to stop bothering me. Which means that you are going to have to weigh up in your mind, which is more important...your right to carry on in exactly the manner you've been doing, or consideration of my feelings about this. Only you can say which is more important to you. But if the first is more important than the second, you should know I have the right to my own boundaries, which include not being with someone who makes me feel this way."
See it's important to me, not to be controlling, too. But we ALL have the right to decide what we can and cannot be ok with in a relationship. It isn't an ultimatum. It's a statement that you've got the self worth to choose not to keep putting yourself through something that is hurtful. "You make your choice, and I'll respect your choice, but then I have to make a choice of my own, for myself."
So anyways in other words, I'm not even strictly a monogamist and I find her behavior questionable. You are not jealous or controlling, to have concerns in a situation like this, unless you have seriously misrepresented the events that you described.
when people play around like this while knowing the intentions of those they surround themselves with, it is a time when you should stop taking their word for who they say they are and take their actions as what they are honestly trying to say to the world.
The people you surround yourself with and allow the influences of IS the life you will lead for yourself, It’s the world you create to live within.
You’re seeing this now with the dishonesty on display. It’s time to have a talk and lay everything down on the table with her and see where it leads.
This dude is inviting her out to events alone because she has never set serious boundaries with him for him to know where to stop and start with her. She’s open game as long as she allows him the freedom to keep roaming the hunting grounds.
Last edited by rego00123; 06-25-2019 at 01:00 PM..
I've been in a serious relationship for 3 years. We were best friends for 4 years and then it evolved into a relationship. My girlfriend is really outgoing, very social and loves to be around people and meeting new people. Lately, she met this guy, lets call him TOM, that told her he likes her and he asked her out on a date. She told me about it and she told him that she is in a relationship and that they can be friends though. They've been friends for more than 6 months now. I felt uncomfortable about it at the beginning because I went to a party with her and he was there. I saw him check her out so many times when she would walk by him. It was just so uncomfortable for me. I let it go because I trust my girlfriend and I know she wouldn't do anything.
2 weeks ago, we were hanging out on the couch and watching something on her phone.
Suddenly, a message pops up and its her ex-boyfriend and another message pops up and its another guy that I know likes her. She didn't tell me that she wasn't talking to them and I confronted her about it and she said, they texted her and she was just responding and she is sorry. So I let it go, however I lost a little bit trust towards her.
Going Back to Tom, he invites her to every single thing he does. Last week, I was very stressed out and I had an exam to study for. By the way, I'm 25, she's 27. I'm pursuing a masters and working at the same time.
Anyways, she knows how stressed out I was and that I have to study and still asks me if I wanted to go camping with her and Tom and his cousins. She doesn't know anyone except TOM. She told me that because I have to study, she doesn't feel guilty about leaving. Btw, she always plans stuff with her friends, then she asks me if I can come. If I can't, well too bad, she already planned it so she's going. I'm a pretty organized guy, so I always plan my week so that I have time for her and she told that she loves that about me.
Now that she's back from camping, I'm getting a weird vibe. She is usually very sweet and calls me all the time and texts me in the morning. But I'm sensing something different. After I got out of my exam
(really really important exam), which ended at 4pm and she knew it would end at 4, she called me at 11 pm asking me how the exam went. I just feel that she is being distant, and I don't know what to make of it.
I had an Ex Wife who was like this- notice I said Ex. She had no boundaries at all. Guys sniffing around all the time, and saying they'd be "friends and that was ok", obviously for the chance at more. Sorry- you can't have those people in your life and maintain a good relationship. She's totally disrespecting you.
And there is no way she'd let you go camping with another girl. None.
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