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Well, I have to say that I admire you a great deal for being completely honest and admitting you lied. A lot of people would spin this to make themself look victimized.
My first reaction was that you shouldn't be going out with your male friends, period. Unless you can come up with a solution that your husband can feel comfortable with, you shouldn't do something that you know will drive him to check up on you (his call to your friend). Is this any way for him to have to live?
The second reaction is that the fact that you have allowed lying to come into your life is a big deal. Someone once told me that even the Enron executives had to start lying in a little way. It may seem like a little mistruth, but you've given it a foothold in your marriage. If I were your husband, I would want to see that you've rid yourself of any situation that temps you to lie. So, don't be surprised if you need to choose between your husband and your friends.
I know that my views won't be popular with a lot of people. I've always held to the idea that if you stay out of the situation, you won't have the temptation. Even though I'd like to say that I'd never cheat on my husband, I can only be sure if I stay out of places that will put me in the position to have to choose. I just don't want my husband to have to wonder.
So, for advice I recommend that you ask forgiveness (don't say sorry) for what you did. Explain to him what you did wrong so that he knows what you are asking him to forgive. In addition, you should tell him why you did it and that you realize even your motives were wrong. I highly recommend you telling him that you realize being in this situation has caused you to take actions that damaged your marriage and you will no longer hand out with male friends unless your husband is with you.
Lot of peeps are giving advise that in effects acts to start to socially isolate the wife. Never a good thing IMHO. Same with this idea that married peeps should only associate socially with other married couples. Might be the seeds to a lot of problems.
The other problem area I would see here is the excessive sulking by the husband. Get over it, not the end of the Earth. That also would point to me, some danger in saying you are sorry. Peeps that go to GQ over minor stuff, also can take the apology, in the wrong light. Sort of like a debt, you owe me one. Events like this always say to me, deeper problems.
Peeps make mistakes in many ways. Chill, let it go. Lesson learned.
A lot of this type thing sets up exactly what the husband fears most. One example was my old business partner did exactly some of the same things. Wife stayed home, worked the admin part of the business, he essentially isolated her socially. Eventually began to abuse her, I was the one to solve a bunch of their glitches along the way by acting as a mediator. By the time I bailed out of the partnership, things had gotten much worse, both were drinking more than they should have, he was trying some of the same abuse techniques with me in the business aspects. Nothing happened at once, it all progressed over a number of years.
If I have wanted an affair with her I could have had it in a heart beat. I was the only one showing her any form of kindness. I had access to her. She was almost begging me. All I have to do was answer certain phases with the right words, he would have been dead meat.
Sorry, on this one, prime blame for the incident belongs to the wife. He has to quit his immature sulking and grow up. If he really wants his wife, treat her right, show kindness at any point of hurt. Allow her some type of freedom to keep her from being bored. Interact in a manner that always makes her want to be part of it. Rather than build walls, beating with all sorts of sticks, make it all carrots. Lots of ways for things to go wrong in future this is typically not the last blowup over something very minor.
He sounds like his own worse enemy to me. Continue and the right guy will know exactly what to say at exactly the right time. The reasons are all buried along the way. Lot of times the guys that see it best are actually single and might be the ones to be waiting for her.
some men get crazy about other men giving thier wives/partners attention,,,why?? its like why some fathers are so strict with thier daughters,,,they remember very well, when they themselves were a teenage boy,,,they had a "goal" in mind,,that the naive daughter, perceives as being "friendly, and nice".
most men by nature are pigs,,they will undress a woman with thier eyes at first sight,,,,or if she's a looker,,,will "appreciate" her female fruits..
im thinking if the role was reversed,,,she wouldnt like her hubby being one on one with a female,,,now, here's the difference between males and females,,,if foxy's hubby was to see a female one on one,,,the potential "jealousy" depends on how this other woman "looks" how sexy she is. AND how she herself compares to this female friend of her hubby,,,
if the female friend, is unattractive, the wife, ,,,under the guise of being open-minded , will say,,,,go ahead hon,,no problem,,,if she doesnt perceive a threat.
now,,,the hubby,,on the other hand,,knows most men are pigs,,,,and would try to jump his attractive wife,,,given the opportunity.
foxy, here's my suggestion,,,,if you truly love this guy your with,,STOP SEEING THE OTHER GUY,,,NO MATTER HOW YOU JUSTIFY IT!!
apologize to your hubby,,,and tell him it will cease!!
ive seen this scenario snowball,,into broken relationships a hundred times,,
i've also seen,,something "innocent" and "just friends" turn into a love affair,,happens everyday, a thousand times,,,
Well, I have to say that I admire you a great deal for being completely honest and admitting you lied. A lot of people would spin this to make themself look victimized.
My first reaction was that you shouldn't be going out with your male friends, period. Unless you can come up with a solution that your husband can feel comfortable with, you shouldn't do something that you know will drive him to check up on you (his call to your friend). Is this any way for him to have to live?
The second reaction is that the fact that you have allowed lying to come into your life is a big deal. Someone once told me that even the Enron executives had to start lying in a little way. It may seem like a little mistruth, but you've given it a foothold in your marriage. If I were your husband, I would want to see that you've rid yourself of any situation that temps you to lie. So, don't be surprised if you need to choose between your husband and your friends.
I know that my views won't be popular with a lot of people. I've always held to the idea that if you stay out of the situation, you won't have the temptation. Even though I'd like to say that I'd never cheat on my husband, I can only be sure if I stay out of places that will put me in the position to have to choose. I just don't want my husband to have to wonder.
So, for advice I recommend that you ask forgiveness (don't say sorry) for what you did. Explain to him what you did wrong so that he knows what you are asking him to forgive. In addition, you should tell him why you did it and that you realize even your motives were wrong. I highly recommend you telling him that you realize being in this situation has caused you to take actions that damaged your marriage and you will no longer hang out with male friends unless your husband is with you.
JCO, I agree with you totally and it is hard to go out on a limb but saving a marriage is worth it! I do not think Cosmic is right about isolating the wife too much either, thats what girlfriends are for! Men are designed differently and married or single they can easily let the wrong ideas enter their mind (mainebrokerman you're right on the money.) Avoiding the situation is the best way to avoid the temptation for both people. The lying is just the tip of the iceburg and this is not a small thing for the DH to just "get over", foxyfoxy I suggest you fight for your husband and if that means permanenty letting the friendship end, DO IT!
Well I think you do start to finally have the issues in some sort of focus. In the end it might be which poison do you choose.
There is one camp that is saying "Protect the Marriage" whatever that is supposed to mean. But as Mainebrokerman sezs (and correctly so) all men are pigs and the ladies love them that way. Isolating the wife is not a sure fired solution, in fact IMHO leads to much longer term problems.
So it may break out where is your focus, shorter term or longer term?
Plus what are the roots of the real problem? I see it as the husband. Yes, this particular incident is the wife's fault but his reaction too it shows the real longer term problem. The sulking, the immature behavior, the total inability to come to grips with the real issues. He should be explaining his displeasure and trying to ensure she will agree to some boundaries, even if the platonic boyfriend is ditched he has problems. Better the enemy, you know, than the one you do not.
Following the shorter term advice and limiting her social contacts is more a feel good solution. Longer term it will have the effect of making her feel some form of isolation, that causes the mind shift to be actively looking or be available in future for some type of adventure. Especially if her daily on-going treatment is perceived as poor.
They will even go for the quick one nighter hit to relieve the boredom they get into. If she has a wider range of normal activity, depending on the person may be enough to keep her on the reservation; if he is proving and providing all the other emotional support she thinks she needs. All how you attempt to guard the henhouse. This guy I doubt is doing a good job.
Yup, Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, many peeps orbit somewhere around Pluto way too much of the time.
If I have the need and go out looking for a little strange, I definitely want a guy like this. His wife is prime hunting territory. She has been in a form of capture or prison after a while, may have some ongoing issues of ingrained dispute with her SO and be ready for "Another Experience" however brief. All you have to do is engage her in a not direct manner and get in sync with her feelings. He has just created my opportunity and doesn't have a clue.
most men by nature are pigs,,they will undress a woman with thier eyes at first sight,,,,or if she's a looker,,,will "appreciate" her female fruits..
Man that is getting rougher to do that, they got them damn tattoos all over them. Plus way to many of them still want to turn their back after you have their dress off and get to the good part ........... Yep more damn tattoos.
Now it is me with the down cast eyes, resonant quivering voice whispering .......... NOOOooooooo ........ Pleasssse .......... Noooooo more.
foxy, at this point you are not going to able to solve this with a lot of words. Choosing to misrepresent your whereabouts sorta devalued what you may share verbally.
You're at the 'show him....don't tell him' stage.
Treat him as you would wish to be treated in this situation.
Relationships require compromise. Sometimes they seem unfair, but if your husband has issues with this other guy, you may need bend on this one...for awhile. If you find that you are bending over rather than bending, you might want to redefine your own boundaries.
foxy, at this point you are not going to able to solve this with a lot of words. Choosing to misrepresent your whereabouts sorta devalued what you may share verbally.
You're at the 'show him....don't tell him' stage.
Treat him as you would wish to be treated in this situation.
Relationships require compromise. Sometimes they seem unfair, but if your husband has issues with this other guy, you may need bend on this one...for awhile. If you find that you are bending over rather than bending, you might want to redefine your own boundaries.
Very well put for the short term advice. Need to retool longer term. Like that bending over part. Most guys like that.
Yeah, nice assssssets do get to me, the financial conservative.
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Good Advice!
