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Codependency
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
Quote:
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependance is reprinted from the website Co-dependents Anonymous with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.
Well it sounds like she didnt lose her virginity to that guy she said. She might have lost it to the whole football team before he ever came along and told you she was a virgin to snag you. Then so you wouldn't find out that she wasn't, she just said she had had sex with only that one guy. Then when she saw that she had you, she stayed all those years because she knew that she had lied to you about everything, so she deserved it more than likely. This made it easier for her to endure. Finally when she left because you were too jealous, she went out and partied like a who** with who knows who. You obviously need more relationships in your life than just her and maybe 1 or 2 before her. You need to experience life and see that people are not all trustworthy honest people. If she wants to party, let her. You need to move on, and stop letting her in. For once, she needs to be the one who's rejected. She caused this problem on herself. You should have left her a long time ago.
I'm sorry for the callousness of my words. I just seen some people do some really sh**ty stuff to others.
Yes, to me the OP has the classic signs of someone who has been emotionally abused by a cheater.
It takes time to recover from that kind of relationship, some people simply cannot remain faithful, it's not in them and no amount of years will cure them.
I don't believe it has to do with her age at all. She sounds more like a "Sex in the City" kind of character who likes the soap opera drama of a dysfunctional love-life.
The OP has to realize you cannot change others, you can change yourself and now after this many years with this person, you must change yourself, rediscover what you once were so you can find a good person the next time.
OMG, you are so on point.. This girl loves drama.. She's an avid fan of Sex-In-The-City, desperate housewives and she gossips with her girlfriends the same way they do on TV.. I keep telling that stuff she sees on TV is going to get to her head soon and it does!!!
And yeah, to the other person who says "She lies down with dogs, she gonna get fleas"... I don't understand her associating with insecure girls.. her cousin cheated and is now unhappily forced to wed her baby daddy.. she cheated on a good guy who gave her everything for 3 years but she was needy/insecure.. and now she weds this guy she's been dating for 6 months cuz she's knocked up..
and this other girl she associates with, she was already straying towards the end of her marriage leading to divorce.. she strayed with a coworker and then she got abused by the coworker (of course the guy is going to treat her like crap after seeing her cheat on her husband).. and now she's unhappy..
they all cling on each other like "girls rule, boys drool" attitude.. its so pathetic sometimes... she's 27 and she tries so hard to be an independent woman but a real woman can use her own head and not get influenced by her girlfriends....
gosh... i hope she realizes this soon cuz deep down inside, i know she doesn't love the life she's living right now but she's forced.. i do still take blame for pushing her away becuase she has shown her loyalty but she can also slip once in awhile..but not to the extreme where she deserves so much jealousy... maybe we'll come around to each other some day but not now..
Maybe. But what if all along, he's loved her more than she loved him? He wanted to be her first lover, but she didn't care. Then I think all along, with her behaviour, she gave him hints that she while she liked him, she wasn't madly in love with him. However, he kept pushing his love agenda on her and she went along with it as long as she could. Also, since they'd been dating since she was only 18 and she didn't have any prior dating experience, I think that it was natural that she ended up growing away from him after 8 years.
Also, he said that he met her when she was entering college and had just moved away from her hometown. It almost sounds like the O.P. didn't go to the same college as she did, and maybe he didn't bother going to college at all... which impacted on him now having low self esteem about being out of work for a while. And if he was working full time while she was in college, he probably spoiled her by paying for everything on their dates. At that point in time, she looked up to him and his adult life experiences. Then she graduated from college, and perhaps now she has a better job than he ever could. But maybe the O.P. could clarify on his educational level and what they now both do for work.
UMM... let me clarify.. She moved down for college.. I was already a JR. while she was a freshman.. she went to the community college and then trasnferred to the same University I did.. we were at the same University for a year and I helped her through school and all... it's been close to 4 years since we've been out of school so thats not really a factor..
We both have our Bachelors so education is not a problem...
I just think that the O.P. was too into the fact that she was a virgin when they met. He wanted to be her first love and lover, but that didn't happen. And 8=1/2 years later, he's still upset that he wasn't her first lover. And with those thoughts, I feel that emotionally, he always approached their relationship as if marriage was going to be the end goal.
Maybe in the last 8-1/2 years, his ex was the only girl he had a crush on that was also a virgin. And that's why I also told him to stop placing such an importance on a woman's virginity as being some special once in a lifetime gift because it's not.
That stupid suicide terrorist reward system of getting to heaven and having 40 virgins to enjoy is such utter nonsense. As a woman, I find that concept so insulting. Men! Grrr...
It wasn't necessarily that she was a virgin.. its more of the fact that she put a guy between us... whenever you're dating or courting someone, don't ruin the dynamics by causing a vicious love triangle.. if she never committed such a selfish mistake, i wouldn't have turned out to be a jealous partner... and realize i was wrong for not being able to close the past.. then again, like i said.. she did something else that made me realize she's the type that likes to keep her guy options open.. and when she went on a break (before officially breaking up), I was noticing she was reconnecting with old high school flings again and starting to give her number out to random dudes like she needs guy friends around... like totally trying to rebound right away... im keeping my dignity... i really take blame for causing her identity crisis because although she was a confused insecure girl in the beginning, she's grown to a woman and became loyal but i could've treated her better and now i feel like ive lost her to who she was when she first met me, the side of her that she's not really happy to be... when i met her, she dressed like a single girl wanting attention cuz i knew she just wanted to be loved, then she became very conservative with me and didn't care about partying and became more of a family woman while i became the insecure one.. i know the partying she's doing and all that is becuase she's really hurt and trying to put a major front and i hope we both find it in our heart to forgive each other and start new..
Agreed - it's more about the fact that she cheated on him, than the fact she wasn't a virgin.
Her being a virgin at the time, however, would make it feel like even MORE of a betrayal. Not only did she share something intimate with someone other than the man she was with, she shared it in a way that she will remember forever.
Can you imagine being that guy? Essentially being told, "Not only are you not important enough to me that I wouldn't cheat on you, but I am actively keeping you out of my bank of fondly remembered personal milestones."
RIGHT ON!! My ex doesn't understand the emotional damage she has caused... her excuse was "well, i just met you and i couldn't say i love you yet.." but dang, we were already in the infatuation honeymoon phase and u couldn't give me the benefit of the doubt.. instead, she gave it away to some dude she never had anything official with either and was never ever going to see him again.. talk about a goodbye present.. that guy is married to another girl with children now...
i just hate the fact that she KNOWS how it feels to put a guy between us.... as for us men, it damages our pride and our ego.. i didn't have much pride or an ego but this is first girl to do this to me out of all the girls ive dated but little do i know that this is the girl id be falling in love with as well... she has such a personality but this flaw killed it for me...
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND my jealousy doesn't justify itself being this far out... I've read somewhere regarding jealousy after an affair (or mini affair wahtever you wanna call it), can resurface 8-10 years later..
And it comes at a point where my self esteem as at an all time low... I heard depression can open up all the painful memories of the past no matter how buried they are...
Some people can look at this "cheating" thing to their own perspective.. bottom line is, whenever you lead someone on, don't ever mess up your first impression and change the dynamics by putting someone in between you.. thats the way I see things..
I read an article in Maxim Magazine about cheating hearts.. it says "people put on their best behavior when they start dating people, so if you were cheated on in the beginning, look at that as their best behavior".. boy was I surprised.. I hope thats not her best behaviro because I've seen her change to a much more mature secured beautiful woman.... it was me who was changing for the worse...'
anyway, I've got this reply from someone in another forum and this is the most optimistic and on point one I've seen without having to be so hard on her because I can vouch that she's blossomed into a much more secure woman who was happy.. it was me being jealous and showing signs of unhappiness that broke her apart.. made her become what she was again before she met me..
"My GF sounds a lot like her, and you sound a lot like me. I used to get really jealous over her friendliness with other guys and stuff. But, eventually, I learned to put things in perspective and let crap roll off my back.
I don't think you're being too hard on yourself at all. I think you're the only one that can change you, and if you truly want this girl back (even with the flaws), then you need to change your attitude about the whole thing. You need to work on letting go of the past and not hold onto it like some sort of ammunition for a future fight.
Sounds to me like she was young when she lost her virginity, and the reason she had sex with you afterwards is because she realized that she wanted to share that with you. It sounds as if you may have been more suspicious or controlling than you needed to be, and it finally became the straw that broke the camel's back.
I'm not trying to bag on you. I'm merely telling you what I see. You sound a lot like me, and I went through a similar incident. The thing that helped me was to step back and see where I could change my way of thinking.
Martian - you seem like a kind, articulate person. She seems like a C U Next Tuesday (if you catch my drift ). I know it must be hard, but you need to cut her off, as others have said, as she is toxic to you and your happiness.
I read an article in Maxim Magazine about cheating hearts.. it says "people put on their best behavior when they start dating people, so if you were cheated on in the beginning, look at that as their best behavior".. boy was I surprised.. I hope thats not her best behaviro because I've seen her change to a much more mature secured beautiful woman.... it was me who was changing for the worse...'
Thanks for coming back and updating us, Martian. Glad to hear you're working through this.
As for the Maxim quote - it's nice that you are seeing the best in her, and she may well have grown over time, but I believe that quote is essentially true. But what it should say is, "If you were cheated on in the beginning, look at that as the best behavior they are capable of WITH YOU."
It is possible for cheaters to change, but not if they stay in the relationship they were in when they cheated. That relationship will always be tainted with betrayal, and that person will always feel like they've "gotten away with something." They have to face the consequences of their behavior, not allowed to keep the person they hurt.
Good luck to you in your continued growth and recovery
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). I know it must be hard, but you need to cut her off, as others have said, as she is toxic to you and your happiness.
